Two and a Half Men

2003, TV Show

Full Episodes(246)

Latest Episode: Oh, Wald-E, Good Times Ahead

May 08, 2014 Season 11 Episode 22 watch on (Paid)

Alan confesses his true identity to Larry and has to face the consequences on the Season Eleven Finale. Guest star Kimberly Williams-Paisley returns as Alan's fiancée Gretchen, alongside her real-life husband BRAD PAISLEY who makes a cameo appearance.

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

May 22, 2006 Season 3 Episode 24

With Charlie and Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier) arranging their wedding, their families meet, and things immediately begin to fall apart. Rose takes Charlie's engagement news hard and makes some interesting plans of her own. There is also the question of where Alan and Jake will live after Charlie and Mia get married. Ultimately, Charlie and his bride-to-be end up deciding on a small ceremony in Vegas--but the surprises don't end there.
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Arguments for the Quickie

May 15, 2006 Season 3 Episode 23

When Charlie finds out that his ex-girlfriend, Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier), is in town with her dance troupe and wants him to come to her performance, he opts not to go and tries to behave as if he were no longer attracted to her. After surprising Alan--and himself--by showing up at the dance performance, Charlie gets another surprise when Mia explains that she wants something personal from him: his sperm. Shockingly, commitment-phobic Charlie responds by asking Mia for something as well.
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Just Once With Aunt Sophie

May 08, 2006 Season 3 Episode 22

When a cute girl from Jake's school invites Jake to a party, Charlie butts in on Alan's milestone moment with his son by offering his own words of wisdom on women. While Alan feels somewhat jealous that Charlie is taking over, he realizes he also feels envious that his son is receiving some solid advice on scoring with women that he wishes his brother had taught him.
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And the Plot Moistens

May 01, 2006 Season 3 Episode 21

Jake's teacher, Francine (Julia Campbell), calls Alan and Judith into her classroom to discuss Jake's lack of interest in school. Desperate to communicate with someone intelligent while continuing to see his airhead girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby), Alan falls for Francine--in a platonic way. Meanwhile, after Alan and Judith force Jake to try out for the school musical, Charlie helps him prepare.
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Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

Apr 24, 2006 Season 3 Episode 20

Charlie is now dating Kandi's (recurring guest star April Bowlby) mother, Mandi (recurring guest star Gail O'Grady). Meanwhile, Alan is depressed because Kandi has left him and is staying with bitter Judith, who brainwashed her against him. At Mandi's urging, Alan goes to Judith's place to try to win Kandi back. Also, Kandi introduces Judith to Kandi's father, Andy (Kevin Sorbo - "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys," "Andromeda").
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Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

Apr 10, 2006 Season 3 Episode 19

Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby) moves in with Alan and Charlie, causing tension in the house. Charlie's not happy to learn of the new arrangement, considering he himself has been having a dry spell with women. Things begin to look up for Charlie, however, when Judith befriends Kandi, and a special visitor comes knocking on his door. Recurring guest star Gail O'Grady (""Hot Properties,"" ""American Dreams,"" ""NYPD Blue"") appears as Kandi's mother, Mandi.
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The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Mar 20, 2006 Season 3 Episode 18

Alan gets into financial trouble because he keeps paying the expenses of his young girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby). When Kandi's old car breaks down, Alan leases a new one for her. Charlie warns him to break up with her, but Alan spends his last dime on Kandi's root canal and can't pay alimony to Judith, forcing Charlie to cover for him.
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The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

Mar 13, 2006 Season 3 Episode 17

When he is nominated for an advertising award, Charlie boycotts the banquet, having lost several years in a row to his cocky competitor, Archie (Jon Lovitz - "Saturday Night Live," "Happiness"). After devising a ploy to get him to attend, Alan, Evelyn and Jake accompany Charlie for support--but then they get to know Archie. Meanwhile, Rose talks Charlie into giving relationship advice to her new beau.
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Ergo, the Booty Call

Mar 06, 2006 Season 3 Episode 16

Concerned that he is dating a woman half his age--and mortified to introduce her to Evelyn--Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby), to Jake's birthday party. Meanwhile, Rose continues her passive-aggressive pursuit of Charlie.
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My Tongue Is Meat

Feb 27, 2006 Season 3 Episode 15

Charlie's lifestyle causes tension with Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier). Charlie can't keep pace with the healthy routine that Mia has introduced into their relationship, so he sneaks cigars and beers in the garage and enlists Rose to deliver burgers to him on the sly. When Mia catches him lying, Charlie has to figure out if he is truly in love with her.
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Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

Feb 06, 2006 Season 3 Episode 14

After a month and a half of abstinence, Charlie is quite eager to consummate his relationship with Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier). Unfortunately, there are still a few roadblocks, including Charlie's oversexed ex-girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby), and Mia's parents. When the big day finally comes, Charlie worries that he may not be at the top of his game. Meanwhile, Alan discovers the joys of dating Kandi, although intellectually she may have more in common with Jake.
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Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

Jan 23, 2006 Season 3 Episode 13

No one believes Charlie when he says that his relationship with Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier) is getting serious, and everyone really thinks he's lying when he confesses that he and Mia have been dating for more than a month and haven't consummated the relationship. After a continuing series of chaste dates--walking on the beach, visiting an art gallery, going bowling--that end with Charlie frustrated at Mia's doorstep, he makes a proposal that threatens their burgeoning romance.
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That Special Tug

Jan 09, 2006 Season 3 Episode 12

Charlie and Alan take Jake to a friend's house and go out for some sibling bonding at the movies, but their night is ruined when Alan freaks out after convincing himself that Jake was too eager to spend the weekend away from him. Recognizing that desperate times call for desperate measures, Charlie begins seeing a psychiatrist, Dr. Linda Freeman (Jane Lynch -- "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), ostensibly to learn how to cope with his brother's ever-increasing emotional instability.
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Santa's Village of the Damned

Dec 19, 2005 Season 3 Episode 11

When Alan dates a cooking instructor, Sandy (Josie Davis - "Beverly Hills 90210"), both he and Charlie gain weight. But even as it becomes clear that Sandy is mentally unstable, Charlie refuses to allow Alan to break up with her, fearing the loss of her fabulous meals. Meanwhile, as usual, the brothers agonize over whether or not to visit their mother for Christmas.
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Something Salty and Twisted

Nov 28, 2005 Season 3 Episode 10

Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate the publication of a newspaper article that describes him as a "good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy," but he's crushed when his mother, Evelyn, isn't impressed. After getting drunk, Alan experiences a life-changing epiphany and vows to a skeptical Charlie that he is no longer going to grovel for validation from his mother and the other women in his life.
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Madame and Her Special Friend

Nov 21, 2005 Season 3 Episode 9

A wealthy, elderly woman named Norma (Academy Award and multiple Emmy Award winner Cloris Leachman - "Malcolm in the Middle," "Spanglish") is romantically interested in Alan.
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That Voodoo That I Do

Nov 14, 2005 Season 3 Episode 8

After Charlie's romantic overtures towards Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier - "Smallville," "One Tree Hill," "Saw II"), an attractive ballet teacher, are rejected, Charlie tries to prove to Alan that he can persuade Mia to go on a date with him. Charlie cons Jake into taking her ballet class so Charlie can get close to her, but his plan is derailed when Jake becomes infatuated with her.
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Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Nov 07, 2005 Season 3 Episode 7

Charlie finds himself in a compromising position after getting drunk and spending the evening with his stalker, Rose, celebrating her birthday. He ends up being confronted by her father, Harvey (Golden Globe and Emmy Award winner Martin Sheen - "The West Wing"), who demands to know Charlie's intentions towards Rose.
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Hi, Mr. Horned One

Oct 24, 2005 Season 3 Episode 6

Charlie is thrilled that he's dating Isabella (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe - "Nash Bridges"), a wild, sexually uninhibited woman--until Alan points out that she's a spooky Satan worshiper. Charlie is unfazed by Alan's warnings until Isabella threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
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We Called It Mr. Pinky

Oct 17, 2005 Season 3 Episode 5

After a woman Charlie has been having sex with professes her love for him, he responds inappropriately and suffers from impotence. Later, Rose explains that Charlie's inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother. Meanwhile, much to Alan's chagrin, Jake approaches Charlie for relationship advice regarding a girl at school who likes him.
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Your Dismissive Attitude Towards Boobs

Oct 10, 2005 Season 3 Episode 4

Alan infuriates Charlie when he gives Berta permission to move into the beach house for a couple of days. Charlie reprimands Alan and informs him that he's just a houseguest and doesn't have the right to allow Berta to stay with them. Hurt by Charlie's reaction, Alan decides that he and Jake need to move into their own place. But after he returns from apartment hunting with their mother, Alan begs Charlie to let him and Jake remain. Neither man realizes that Berta goaded the brothers into the argument so she could permanently move in with Charlie.
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Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Oct 03, 2005 Season 3 Episode 3

Charlie is dismayed to learn that Alan's recent dating spree has been with Alan's ex-wife, Judith. Charlie fears he will rarely get to see Jake if Alan and Judith reconcile. So Charlie does everything in his power--including trying to distract Alan with beautiful women (Former Playboy Playmates Sandy and Mandy Bentley)--to keep the two apart. As it turns out, Charlie underestimates his brother's ability to screw things up on his own.
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Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Sep 26, 2005 Season 3 Episode 2

When Jake's school principal demands to meet immediately with Alan concerning a picture Jake drew of a large-breasted schoolmate, Alan leaves a phone message asking Charlie to help, but Charlie doesn't respond. After Alan accuses him of "not being there for him," Charlie agrees to answer phones at Alan's chiropractic office, where Charlie proceeds to hire a "masseuse" to help out with the practice. Meanwhile, before the principal determines Jake's fate, she makes Alan meet the classmate's mother--whom Alan tries hard not to offend.
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Weekend In Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

Sep 19, 2005 Season 3 Episode 1

Charlie Harper (series star Charlie Sheen) is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Mercedes in the garage and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle was interrupted when his tightly wound brother, Alan (series star Jon Cryer), and Alan's young son, Jake (series star Angus T. Jones), came to stay with him a couple of years ago. Complicating matters further are Charlie and Alan's narcissistic, emotionally toxic mother, Evelyn (series star Holland Taylor); Alan's deeply neurotic ex-wife, Judith (series star Marin Hinkle); Charlie's domineering, unapologetically blue-collar housekeeper, Berta (series star Conchata Ferrell--not appearing in this episode); and Rose (series star Melanie Lynskey--not appearing in this episode), a brilliantly manipulative and vaguely crazy neighbor who had a brief fling with Charlie, remains obsessed with him and is determined to stay in his life by whatever means necessary. Despite the complexities of their lives and their own strained relationship, Charlie and Alan have one thing in common: They both love Jake and want what's best for him. As a result, they manage to create a little family unit that promises to make each one of them a better man. After Alan falls off the roof trying to fix the satellite dish, Charlie volunteers to take care of Jake for the weekend. While Charlie initially looks forward to watching his nephew, he quickly realizes that Jake's idea of fun--going out for fast food and renting video games--doesn't quite coincide with his own. Alan finally convinces Charlie that the situation will be more peaceful if Charlie simply agrees to Jake's demands. A power struggle ensues, with Jake initially winning--until he sabotages a potential date for Charlie. Meanwhile, Evelyn insists on arranging a blind date for Alan.
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