Two and a Half Men

2003, TV Show

Full Episodes(243)

Latest Episode: Two And A Half Men - Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Apr 10, 2014 Season 11 Episode 19 watch on CBS (Free)

Walden reconnects with Kate and is sure she's "The One" - that is, until he meets Vivian and becomes convinced she's "The One." Meanwhile, Alan and Gretchen grow closer. Mila Kunis guest stars. (TV-14 D, L)

Does This Smell Funny to You?

May 23, 2005 Season 2 Episode 24

Charlie has sex with a gorgeous young woman, Natalie (Karen Trella), without realizing she's married to an elderly man, Norman (Orson Bean - "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"). At school, Jake is required to give a report to his fifth-grade class about his weekend. He recalls that he was eating breakfast when an old man came to the house looking for his wife. From there, Jake's perspective of the weekend's events departs from what really happened at the Harper home.
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Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

May 16, 2005 Season 2 Episode 23

When Evelyn learns that Jake spent his entire spring vacation with his other grandparents, she pressures Alan into letting Jake stay with her for a night. Concerned that Evelyn will destroy Jake's life the way she destroyed theirs, Alan and Charlie grudgingly take a resentful Jake to Evelyn's home and quickly flee to Charlie's favorite bar. There, amid a bevy of sexy female volleyball players, Alan easily forgets about his son's miserable circumstance.
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That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

May 09, 2005 Season 2 Episode 22

After Evelyn gives Alan a loan so he can purchase a new Porsche, Charlie informs his brother that Alan has sold his soul to the devil. Evelyn proves Charlie is right when she coerces Alan to go on a double date with Trudy (Chloe Webb - "China Beach," "Sid and Nancy")--whose father Evelyn wants as a boyfriend. But Evelyn and Trudy's dad never show up at the restaurant, leaving Alan alone with Trudy. And Alan learns things about his date that he'd rather not know.
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A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

May 02, 2005 Season 2 Episode 21

While scanning the obituaries for potential property listings, Evelyn discovers that her second husband, Harry, has died. Although pleased that Alan agrees to attend the funeral with her, she's furious to hear that he had stayed in contact with Harry over the years. Evelyn then reveals to her sons that she didn't actually leave Harry, but that he left her--for a younger woman. Charlie and Jake also attend the funeral. And Evelyn learns a surprising new detail about her ex-husband.
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I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

Apr 18, 2005 Season 2 Episode 20

Evelyn harasses Charlie for not calling her, and Judith bills Alan for an expensive pair of tennis shoes she bought Jake. Unable to express the anger they have towards the women in their lives, Charlie and Alan lash out at each other. Rose--with her questionable background in behavioral psychology--tries to help the two brothers sort out their feelings.
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A Low Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

Mar 21, 2005 Season 2 Episode 19

While at a coffee shop, Alan and Charlie encounter Sherri (recurring guest star Jeri Ryan - "Boston Public"), a woman who once dated Charlie just so she could have sex with him. Alan is enchanted with her beauty, so Charlie encourages Alan to ignore his memories of teenage rejection and ask her on a date. Alan's befuddled approach is surprisingly successful because Sherri no longer wants shallow, purely sexual relationships and is hoping to experience a deeper, more caring connection. Unfortunately, during his date with Sherri, Alan can't seem to get thoughts of Charlie with Sherri off his mind.
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It Was 'Mame', Mom

Mar 07, 2005 Season 2 Episode 18

Charlie masquerades as a homosexual so that Eric (David Starzyk), the gay owner of an advertising agency, will continue to give Charlie more jingles to write. Charlie convinces Alan to pretend to be his gay partner and attend a party hosted by Eric. At the party, Charlie is immediately attracted to Pamela (Lucy Lawless - "Xena: Warrior Princess")--who is convinced Charlie is gay even after he confesses the truth. But the pressure of trying to prove his heterosexuality to Pamela proves too much for Charlie to overcome.
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Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

Feb 21, 2005 Season 2 Episode 17

While in a precarious position with a woman, Charlie injures his back and won't let Alan--a chiropractor--help him. After Alan drives Charlie to the doctor's office, Charlie is surprised to learn that his physician died four years ago, and a beautiful female, Dr. Michelle Talmadge (Alicia Coppola - "Bull"), has replaced him. Meanwhile, Berta teaches Jake a lesson.
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Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

Feb 14, 2005 Season 2 Episode 16

Judith takes a vacation and leaves Jake with Alan. But then Alan finds out he's being audited by the Internal Revenue Service. Burdened with this last-minute misfortune, he's forced to leave Jake in Charlie's irresponsible hands and hopes that his brother can get Jake to school.
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Smell the Umbrella Stand

Feb 07, 2005 Season 2 Episode 15

On a boring, rainy weekend, Charlie convinces Alan to ride with Jake and him to Las Vegas. Apprehensive about his upcoming colonoscopy, Alan agrees that the diversion will be good for him. After Alan packs numerous suitcases, and the guys are ready to leave, Jake becomes physically ill. Judith visits the house and then forbids Alan to take Jake anywhere without her permission. Alan and Charlie want to defy Judith, but when Jake becomes ill again, the two brothers realize they must be responsible adults and stay home.
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Those Big Pink Things With Coconut

Jan 31, 2005 Season 2 Episode 14

After Evelyn undermines Jake's confidence by belittling his hard-earned high grade on a test, Alan decides to cut her out of their lives. When Charlie and Alan receive news that Evelyn is in the hospital, they realize it's a ploy for her to get back into their lives. They decide to play along, pretending to schedule her for heart surgery, but they don't realize that Evelyn is still one step ahead of them.
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Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

Jan 17, 2005 Season 2 Episode 13

When an earthquake causes plumbing damage in Judith's home, Alan allows her to move into the beach house temporarily--much to Charlie's displeasure. After a few days, Charlie and Jake can no longer bear Judith's presence, and though he pretends otherwise, Alan is jealous when Judith goes on a date with another man. He gets so upset that he goes to stay at Judith's house until Charlie arranges a date for Alan with a very beautiful and very young woman. Seeing Alan with this sexy girl, Judith quickly packs her belongings and returns to her own home. But unfortunately for Charlie, he's going to have to keep paying the young lady big money because Alan really likes her.
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A Lungful of Alan

Jan 03, 2005 Season 2 Episode 12

Jamie (Paget Brewster - "Huff," "Friends"), Alan's close high school friend, visits Alan at the house. Charlie used to make fun of Jamie when they were teenagers, but when the two brothers see how attractive she is now, they both vie for her affections. However, Jamie has a plan of her own.
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Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

Dec 13, 2004 Season 2 Episode 11

Charlie is surprised when a woman, Gail (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe - "Nash Bridges"), with whom he flirts in a bar, rejects his overtures and tells him that women around town have been comparing notes on his philandering. Later, Jake mentions that he did an Internet search on Charlie's name and found something interesting. When Charlie logs on, he finds out that he's the subject of a very uncomplimentary new website called www.charlieharpersucks.com.
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The Salmon Under My Sweater

Nov 29, 2004 Season 2 Episode 10

Charlie writes the theme song for a new cartoon based on one of Jake's favorite comics, but Jake hates the song. Realizing that Jake knows the comic better than he does, Charlie enlists his nephew's help. Meanwhile, Rose invites Alan to a movie and surprises him with her intellect.
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Yes, Monsignor

Nov 22, 2004 Season 2 Episode 9

Charlie encounters Lisa (recurring guest star Denise Richards, series star Charlie Sheen's real-life wife), the woman he thought was "the one" until she informed him of her engagement another man. He's thrilled to learn that her marriage did not work out, even though there's now a new wrinkle in their potential relationship--a baby (played by Sheen and Richards' daughter, Sam, in her first screen appearance).
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Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

Nov 15, 2004 Season 2 Episode 8

Alan's expectations for a first date with Nancy (Kelley West ), a woman he met while shopping for groceries, are far exceeded when she introduces him to a world of sex he never knew existed. Charlie is happy that his brother is getting to experience the kind of sex life he's always enjoyed, but he's not thrilled to take responsibility for Jake while Alan has his every fantasy fulfilled. When Alan starts thinking he loves this woman, Charlie realizes he must take action.
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A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out In Fontana

Nov 08, 2004 Season 2 Episode 7

In order to serve as a good example to Jake, who has been disrespectful lately to his mother, Charlie and Alan begrudgingly agree to give their own mother a party to celebrate her real estate achievements. Berta suggests they hire her sister, Daisy (Camryn Manheim - "The Practice"), who owns a catering company. But having recently split from her husband, an emotionally unhinged Daisy throws a party that is unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.
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The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

Oct 25, 2004 Season 2 Episode 6

When Evelyn tells Jake that Alan shoplifted a toy as a child, Alan denies the charge, as he has ever since the incident took place. He finally admits to Charlie his theory that maybe there is a "Bad Alan"--an evil side of him that stole the toy--which the good side of him works daily to suppress. Charlie feels guilty and admits to planting the toy on him, destroying the brothers' relationship--until Evelyn offers to get involved.
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Bad News from the Clinic?

Oct 18, 2004 Season 2 Episode 5

Charlie dates a woman, Sherri (Jeri Ryan - "Boston Public," "Star Trek: Voyager"), who is a self-centered, manipulative narcissist--a female Charlie. But Charlie doesn't like the way Sherri treats him. Meanwhile, Alan tries to instill some discipline in Jake to improve his son's homework habits.
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Go Get Mommy's Bra

Oct 11, 2004 Season 2 Episode 4

Jake adores Judith's rich, new boyfriend because the man has a boat and a pool, and he promises to teach Jake how to snorkel and scuba dive. Feeling inadequate, Alan teaches his 11-year-old son how to drive a car. But when Judith's boyfriend ends the relationship, Jake becomes furious at his mother. Now it's Judith's turn to feel inadequate, and Alan does something he may regret.
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A Bag Full of Jawea

Oct 04, 2004 Season 2 Episode 3

Jake thinks he's dreaming late one night when he sees the teacher who tried to get him suspended, Miss Pasternak (Missi Pyle - "Bringing Down the House"), practically naked in Charlie's kitchen. When Jake refuses to go to school the next day, Charlie agrees to end the relationship with Miss Pasternak. Unfortunately, she gets upset, and Charlie and Jake both suffer.
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Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

Sep 27, 2004 Season 2 Episode 2

At Charlie's urging, Alan decides to put his past behind him and returns a ceramic giraffe he vindictively took from Judith during the divorce. However, Judith does not remember the keepsake, and more importantly she has an attentive new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick (Ryan Stiles - "The Drew Carey Show," "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"), who is Jake's pediatrician. Alan becomes even more depressed until Charlie reminds him that if Judith remarries, Alan won't have to pay alimony anymore. So, Alan awkwardly tries to encourage the relationship. Meanwhile, Evelyn questions an extremely uncomfortable Charlie as to why he hates her. Soon, Rose and Berta join the interrogation.
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Back Off Mary Poppins

Sep 20, 2004 Season 2 Episode 1

Charlie Harper (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the garage and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle was interrupted when his tightly wound brother, Alan (series star JON CRYER), and Alan's young son, Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES), came to stay with him. Complicating matters further are Charlie and Alan's narcissistic, emotionally toxic mother, Evelyn (series star HOLLAND TAYLOR--not appearing in this episode); Alan's deeply neurotic ex-wife, Judith (series star MARIN HINKLE); Charlie's domineering, unapologetically blue-collar housekeeper, Berta (series star CONCHATA FERRELL--not appearing in this episode); and Rose (series star MELANIE LYNSKEY), a brilliantly manipulative and vaguely crazy neighbor who had a brief fling with Charlie, remains obsessed with him and is determined to stay in his life by whatever means necessary. Despite the complexities of their lives and their own strained relationship, Charlie and Alan have one thing in common: They both love Jake and want what's best for him. As a result, they manage to create a little family unit that promises to make each one of them a better man.Alan feels hurt when Charlie asks him to stay out of the house while Charlie's buddies come over. Then Alan is further rejected when he learns that his old friends aren't available because they're all at his ex-wife Judith's house for a get-together. Charlie's stalker, Rose, attempts to cheer up lonely, brooding Alan, but only an invitation to join Charlie's elite male support group will make him feel better.Oscar and Golden Globe Award winner SEAN PENN ("Mystic River"), Grammy Award winner ELVIS COSTELLO, SAG Award nominee HARRY DEAN STANTON ("The Green Mile") and BOBBY COOPER ("I Am Sam") guest star as themselves (Charlie's support group).
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Two and a Half Men Clips & Interviews collapse view

Sneak Peek: Nangnangnangnang
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