Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Episodes

2003, TV Show

Seasons:

1
- Can You Feel My Finger? (Original Airdate May 24, 2004)
- Just Like Buffalo (Original Airdate May 17, 2004)
- My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet (Original Airdate May 10, 2004)
- No Sniffing, No Wowing (Original Airdate May 3, 2004)
- Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark? (Original Airdate Apr 19, 2004)
- I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (Original Airdate Mar 22, 2004)
- An Old Flame With a New Wick (Original Airdate Mar 1, 2004)
- Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (Original Airdate Feb 23, 2004)
- That Was Saliva, Alan (Original Airdate Feb 16, 2004)
- Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Original Airdate Feb 9, 2004)
- I Can't Afford Hyenas (Original Airdate Feb 2, 2004)
- Sarah Like Puny Alan (Original Airdate Jan 12, 2004)
- Camel Filters and Pheromones (Original Airdate Jan 5, 2004)
- Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (Original Airdate Dec 15, 2003)
- Merry Thanksgiving (Original Airdate Nov 24, 2003)
- Phase One, Complete (Original Airdate Nov 17, 2003)
- Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-ful (Original Airdate Nov 10, 2003)
- If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake (Original Airdate Nov 3, 2003)
- Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? (Original Airdate Oct 27, 2003)
- The Last Thing You Want to Do Is Wind Up With a Hump (Original Airdate Oct 20, 2003)
- If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap (Original Airdate Oct 13, 2003)
- Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (Original Airdate Oct 6, 2003)
- Big Flappy Bastards (Original Airdate Sep 29, 2003)
- Pilot Episode (Original Airdate Sep 22, 2003)
2
- Does This Smell Funny to You? (Original Airdate May 23, 2005)
- Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (Original Airdate May 16, 2005)
- That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother (Original Airdate May 9, 2005)
- A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (Original Airdate May 2, 2005)
- I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (Original Airdate Apr 18, 2005)
- A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise (Original Airdate Mar 21, 2005)
- It Was 'Mame,' Mom (Original Airdate Mar 7, 2005)
- Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! (Original Airdate Feb 21, 2005)
- Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? (Original Airdate Feb 14, 2005)
- Smell the Umbrella Stand (Original Airdate Feb 7, 2005)
- Those Big Pink Things With Coconut (Original Airdate Jan 31, 2005)
- Zejdz zmoich wlosow (Get Off My Hair) (Original Airdate Jan 17, 2005)
- A Lungful of Alan (Original Airdate Jan 3, 2005)
- Last Chance to See Those Tattoos (Original Airdate Dec 13, 2004)
- The Salmon Under My Sweater (Original Airdate Nov 29, 2004)
- Yes, Monsignor (Original Airdate Nov 22, 2004)
- Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (Original Airdate Nov 15, 2004)
- A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (Original Airdate Nov 8, 2004)
- The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (Original Airdate Oct 25, 2004)
- Bad News From the Clinic? (Original Airdate Oct 18, 2004)
- Go Get Mommy's Bra (Original Airdate Oct 11, 2004)
- A Bag Full of Jawea (Original Airdate Oct 4, 2004)
- Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (Original Airdate Sep 27, 2004)
- Back Off, Mary Poppins (Original Airdate Sep 20, 2004)
3
- That Pistol-packin' Hermaphrodite (Original Airdate May 22, 2006)
- Arguments for the Quickie (Original Airdate May 15, 2006)
- Just Once With Aunt Sophie (Original Airdate May 8, 2006)
- And the Plot Moistens (Original Airdate May 1, 2006)
- Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (Original Airdate Apr 24, 2006)
- Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (Original Airdate Apr 10, 2006)
- The Spit-Covered Cobbler (Original Airdate Mar 20, 2006)
- The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer (Original Airdate Mar 13, 2006)
- Ergo, the Booty Call (Original Airdate Mar 6, 2006)
- My Tongue Is Meat (Original Airdate Feb 27, 2006)
- Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded (Original Airdate Feb 6, 2006)
- Humiliation Is a Visual Medium (Original Airdate Jan 23, 2006)
- That Special Tug (Original Airdate Jan 9, 2006)
- Santa's Village of the Damned (Original Airdate Dec 19, 2005)
- Something Salty and Twisted (Original Airdate Nov 28, 2005)
- Madame and Her Special Friend (Original Airdate Nov 21, 2005)
- That Voodoo That I Do Do (Original Airdate Nov 14, 2005)
- Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (Original Airdate Nov 7, 2005)
- Hi, Mr. Horned One (Original Airdate Oct 24, 2005)
- We Call It Mr. Pinky (Original Airdate Oct 17, 2005)
- Your Dismissive Attitude Towards Boobs (Original Airdate Oct 10, 2005)
- Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark (Original Airdate Oct 3, 2005)
- Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (Original Airdate Sep 26, 2005)
- Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts (Original Airdate Sep 19, 2005)
4
- Prostitutes and Gelato (Original Airdate May 14, 2007)
- Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin (Original Airdate May 7, 2007)
- Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (Original Airdate Apr 30, 2007)
- Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (Original Airdate Apr 23, 2007)
- Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (Original Airdate Apr 16, 2007)
- Smooth as a Ken Doll (Original Airdate Apr 9, 2007)
- It Never Rains in Hooterville (Original Airdate Mar 19, 2007)
- I Merely Slept With a Commie (Original Airdate Feb 26, 2007)
- Young People Have Phlegm Too (Original Airdate Feb 19, 2007)
- My Damn Stalker (Original Airdate Feb 12, 2007)
- That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (Original Airdate Feb 5, 2007)
- Don't Worry, Speed Racer (Original Airdate Jan 22, 2007)
- Castrating Sheep in Montana (Original Airdate Jan 8, 2007)
- Walnuts and Demerol (Original Airdate Dec 11, 2006)
- Kissing Abraham Lincoln (Original Airdate Nov 27, 2006)
- Corey's Been Dead for an Hour (Original Airdate Nov 20, 2006)
- Release the Dogs (Original Airdate Nov 13, 2006)
- Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (Original Airdate Nov 6, 2006)
- Apologies for the Frivolity (Original Airdate Oct 23, 2006)
- A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (Original Airdate Oct 16, 2006)
- A Pot-Smoking Monkey (Original Airdate Oct 9, 2006)
- The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (Original Airdate Oct 2, 2006)
- Who's Vod Kanockers? (Original Airdate Sep 25, 2006)
- Working for Caligula (Original Airdate Sep 18, 2006)
5
- Waiting for the Right Snapper (Original Airdate May 19, 2008)
- If My Hole Could Talk (Original Airdate May 12, 2008)
- Fish in a Drawer (Original Airdate May 5, 2008)
- Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty (Original Airdate Apr 28, 2008)
- Rough Night in Hump Junction (Original Airdate Apr 21, 2008)
- Winky-Dink Time (Original Airdate Apr 14, 2008)
- The Soil Is Moist (Original Airdate Mar 31, 2008)
- A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh (Original Airdate Mar 24, 2008)
- Meander to Your Dander (Original Airdate Mar 17, 2008)
- Kinda Like Necrophilia (Original Airdate Nov 27, 2007)
- Tight's Good (Original Airdate Nov 19, 2007)
- Is There a Mrs. Waffles? (Original Airdate Nov 12, 2007)
- The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (Original Airdate Nov 6, 2007)
- Help Daddy Find His Toenail (Original Airdate Oct 29, 2007)
- Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (Original Airdate Oct 22, 2007)
- City of Great Racks (Original Airdate Oct 15, 2007)
- Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo (Original Airdate Oct 8, 2007)
- Media Room Slash Dungeon (Original Airdate Oct 1, 2007)
- Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (Original Airdate Sep 24, 2007)
6
- Baseball Was Better With Steroids (Original Airdate May 18, 2009)
- Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth (Original Airdate May 11, 2009)
- Sir Lancelot's Litter Box (Original Airdate May 4, 2009)
- Above Exalted Cyclops (Original Airdate Apr 27, 2009)
- Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau (Original Airdate Apr 13, 2009)
- The Two Finger Rule (Original Airdate Mar 30, 2009)
- My Son's Enormous Head (Original Airdate Mar 16, 2009)
- The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? (Original Airdate Mar 9, 2009)
- She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime (Original Airdate Mar 2, 2009)
- I'd Like to Start With the Cat (Original Airdate Feb 9, 2009)
- David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie (Original Airdate Feb 2, 2009)
- I Think You Offended Don (Original Airdate Jan 19, 2009)
- Thank God for Scoliosis (Original Airdate Jan 12, 2009)
- The Devil's Lube (Original Airdate Dec 15, 2008)
- He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited (Original Airdate Dec 8, 2008)
- The Mooch at the Boo (Original Airdate Nov 24, 2008)
- Pinocchio's Mouth (Original Airdate Nov 17, 2008)
- Best H.O. Money Can Buy (Original Airdate Nov 10, 2008)
- It's Always Nazi Week (Original Airdate Nov 3, 2008)
- A Jock Strap in Hell (Original Airdate Oct 20, 2008)
- The Flavin' and the Mavin' (Original Airdate Oct 13, 2008)
- Damn You, Eggs Benedict (Original Airdate Oct 6, 2008)
- Pie Hole, Herb (Original Airdate Sep 29, 2008)
- Taterhead Is Our Love Child (Original Airdate Sep 22, 2008)
7
- This Is Not Gonna End Well (Original Airdate May 24, 2010)
- Gumby with a Pokey (Original Airdate May 17, 2010)
- I Called Him Magoo (Original Airdate May 10, 2010)
- Keith Moon is Vomiting in His Grave (Original Airdate Apr 12, 2010)
- Ixnay on the Oggie Day (Original Airdate Mar 22, 2010)
- I Found Your Moustache (Original Airdate Mar 8, 2010)
- Tinkle Like a Princess (Original Airdate Mar 1, 2010)
- Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (Original Airdate Feb 8, 2010)
- Crude and Uncalled For (Original Airdate Feb 1, 2010)
- Yay, No Polyps! (Original Airdate Jan 18, 2010)
- Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (Original Airdate Jan 11, 2010)
- Warning, It's Dirty (Original Airdate Dec 14, 2009)
- That's Why They Call It Ball Room (Original Airdate Dec 7, 2009)
- Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (Original Airdate Nov 23, 2009)
- Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle (Original Airdate Nov 16, 2009)
- Untainted by Filth (Original Airdate Nov 9, 2009)
- Give Me Your Thumb (Original Airdate Nov 2, 2009)
- For the Sake of the Child (Original Airdate Oct 19, 2009)
- Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator (Original Airdate Oct 12, 2009)
- Mmm, Fish. Yum (Original Airdate Oct 5, 2009)
- Whipped Unto the Third Generation (Original Airdate Sep 28, 2009)
- 818-jlkpuzo (Original Airdate Sep 21, 2009)
8
- That Darn Priest (Original Airdate Feb 14, 2011)
- Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak (Original Airdate Feb 7, 2011)
- Lookin' for Japanese Subs (Original Airdate Jan 17, 2011)
- Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup (Original Airdate Jan 3, 2011)
- Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead (Original Airdate Dec 13, 2010)
- Dead from the Waist Down (Original Airdate Dec 6, 2010)
- Ow, Ow Don't Stop (Original Airdate Nov 22, 2010)
- A Good Time in Central Africa (Original Airdate Nov 15, 2010)
- Springtime on a Stick (Original Airdate Nov 8, 2010)
- The Crazy Bitch Gazette (Original Airdate Nov 1, 2010)
- Twanging Your Magic Clanger (Original Airdate Oct 25, 2010)
- The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel (Original Airdate Oct 18, 2010)
- Hookers, Hookers, Hookers (Original Airdate Oct 11, 2010)
- A Pudding-Filled Cactus (Original Airdate Oct 4, 2010)
- A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer (Original Airdate Sep 27, 2010)
- Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud (Original Airdate Sep 20, 2010)
9
- Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! (Original Airdate May 14, 2012)
- The Straw in My Donut Hole (Original Airdate May 7, 2012)
- Why We Gave Up Women (Original Airdate Apr 30, 2012)
- Mr. Hose Says "Yes" (Original Airdate Apr 16, 2012)
- Grandma's Pie (Original Airdate Apr 9, 2012)
- Palmdale, Ech (Original Airdate Mar 19, 2012)
- The War Against Gingivitis (Original Airdate Feb 27, 2012)
- Not In My Mouth! (Original Airdate Feb 20, 2012)
- Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy (Original Airdate Feb 13, 2012)
- The Duchess of Dull-In-Sack (Original Airdate Feb 6, 2012)
- Slowly and in a Circular Fashion (Original Airdate Jan 2, 2012)
- One False Move, Zimbabwe! (Original Airdate Dec 12, 2011)
- What A Lovely Landing Strip (Original Airdate Dec 5, 2011)
- Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes (Original Airdate Nov 21, 2011)
- Frodo's Headshots (Original Airdate Nov 14, 2011)
- Thanks for the Intercourse (Original Airdate Nov 7, 2011)
- Those Fancy Japanese Toilets (Original Airdate Oct 31, 2011)
- The Squat and the Hover (Original Airdate Oct 24, 2011)
- Giant Cat Holding Churro (Original Airdate Oct 17, 2011)
- Nine Magic Fingers (Original Airdate Oct 10, 2011)
- Big Girls Don't Throw Food (Original Airdate Oct 3, 2011)
- People Who Love Peepholes (Original Airdate Sep 26, 2011)
- Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (Original Airdate Sep 19, 2011)
10
- Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped (Original Airdate May 9, 2013)
- My Bodacious Vidalia (Original Airdate May 2, 2013)
- Another Night With Neil Diamond (Original Airdate Apr 25, 2013)
- Bazinga! That's From a TV Show (Original Airdate Apr 4, 2013)
- Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon (Original Airdate Mar 14, 2013)
- The 9:04 From Pemberton (Original Airdate Mar 7, 2013)
- Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries (Original Airdate Feb 21, 2013)
- Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby (Original Airdate Feb 14, 2013)
- Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (Original Airdate Feb 7, 2013)
- Run, Steven Staven! Run! (Original Airdate Jan 31, 2013)
- Grab a Feather and Get in Line (Original Airdate Jan 10, 2013)
- Welcome to Alancrest (Original Airdate Jan 3, 2013)
- Give Santa a Tail-Hole (Original Airdate Dec 13, 2012)
- One Nut Johnson (Original Airdate Dec 6, 2012)
- I Scream When I Pee (Original Airdate Nov 29, 2012)
- Something My Gynecologist Said (Original Airdate Nov 15, 2012)
- Avoid the Chinese Mustard (Original Airdate Nov 8, 2012)
- Ferrets, Attack! (Original Airdate Nov 1, 2012)
- That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam (Original Airdate Oct 25, 2012)
- You Do Know What the Lollipop's For (Original Airdate Oct 18, 2012)
- Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt (Original Airdate Oct 11, 2012)
- A Big Bag of Dog (Original Airdate Oct 4, 2012)
- I Changed My Mind About the Milk (Original Airdate Sep 27, 2012)
11
- Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead (Original Airdate May 8, 2014)
- Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot (Original Airdate May 1, 2014)
- Lotta Delis in Little Armenia (Original Airdate Apr 24, 2014)
- Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang (Original Airdate Apr 10, 2014)
- West Side Story (Original Airdate Apr 3, 2014)
- Welcome Home, Jake (Original Airdate Mar 13, 2014)
- How to Get Rid of Alan Harper (Original Airdate Mar 6, 2014)
- Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin (Original Airdate Feb 27, 2014)
- Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe (Original Airdate Feb 6, 2014)
- Bite Me, Supreme Court (Original Airdate Jan 30, 2014)
- Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. (Original Airdate Jan 9, 2014)
- Tazed in the Lady Nuts (Original Airdate Jan 2, 2014)
- On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer! (Original Airdate Dec 12, 2013)
- Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer (Original Airdate Dec 5, 2013)
- Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. (Original Airdate Nov 21, 2013)
- Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie (Original Airdate Nov 14, 2013)
- Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants (Original Airdate Nov 7, 2013)
- Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 (Original Airdate Oct 24, 2013)
- Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank (Original Airdate Oct 17, 2013)
- This Unblessed Biscuit (Original Airdate Oct 10, 2013)
- I Think I Banged Lucille Ball (Original Airdate Oct 3, 2013)
- Nangnangnangnang (Original Airdate Sep 26, 2013)

Two and a Half Men Episode: "If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake"

Season 1, Episode 7

Episode Synopsis: Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer (Kristin Datillo) who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends. Judith: Marin Hinkle. Jake: Angus T. Jones. Alan: Jon Cryer.

Original Air Date: Nov 3, 2003

Guest Cast Kristin Datillo: Cindy

Full Episode

If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake

Season 1, Episode 7
Paid | iTunes
Length: 21:28
Aired: 11/3/2003
Also available on Amazon Instant Video and VUDU
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Premiered: September 22, 2003, on CBS

Rating: TV-PG

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Premise: A hit sitcom built on often-raunchy material, starring Charlie Sheen and, later, Ashton Kutcher begins with the premise of a Malibu bachelor (Sheen) whose life is disrupted when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move in with him. In the ninth season, Kutcher replaces Sheen, playing a billionaire with a broken heart. Briskly written and performed, the sitcom had fun spoofing Charlie Sheen's bad-boy reputation (which ultimately led to his exit from the series) and Jon Cryer's nervous energy.

Cast
Ashton Kutcher Walden Schmidt	Jon Cryer Alan Harper
Amber Tamblyn Jenny	Angus T. Jones Jake Harper
Holland Taylor Evelyn Harper	Conchata Ferrell Berta

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Two and a Half Men Episodes

2003, TV Show

Two and a Half Men Episodes

2003, TV Show

Two and a Half Men Episode: "If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake"

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