The Bachelorette Episodes

2003, TV Show

The Bachelorette Episode: "The Bachelorette"

Season 5, Episode 3
Episode Synopsis: Jillian rappels down the exterior of L.A.'s Bonaventure Hotel with one bachelor, gives another a ride in a Ferrari and escorts 11 others to a movie set, where they attend a wrap party for a Western (and one guy lassos himself a date rose). There's also some late-night canoodling at the mansion and a confrontation between two guys just before the rose ceremony. In the end, 13 men remain standing.
Original Air Date: Jun 1, 2009

The Bachelorette Episode Recap: June 1, 2009 Season 5, Episode 3

In this week's episode, the guys film a Western, crazy David confronts calculating Juan, and Wes somehow manages to yet again work in the song he wrote for Jillian.

Welcome back to the Bachelorette recap. With me as always is my lovely and opinionated fiancée, whose enthusiasm for the show is waning, because this week's episode was so long and kind of boring. So, to begin:

The episode begins with a typical Bachelorette one-on-one date (helicopter, rappelling from a skyscraper, hot tub, booze) that ends with Jillian giving Ed a rose. Then a bunch of the guys go on a group date that requires them to film a Western with Jillian.

We have to assume her suitors include a lot of good actors — you know, guys pretending they want to win the Bachelorette when they actually just want to be the next Bachelor — but you can't tell from their performances in the Western. Some highlights:

— The script calls for Jillian to kiss lots of the guys. Michael describes Brad and Jillian's kiss as "one of the most awkward tings I've seen two people do together."

— Robby the bartender says he hasn't had a girlfriend in two years and hasn't kissed a girl in a long time, thus earning the second official nickname of the Bachelorette recap.

Fiancée: What a Prudence Merriweather.

The first nickname, of course, belongs to Daniel Plainview. For an explanation click here.

Prudence and Jillian share a kiss. On a scale of 1 to 10, he ranks it a 50. (As an aside, if you're going to ignore the scale, why not go for 60? Or even 70? Jillian says her kiss with Prudence was the one sincere kiss of the day.)

Country singer Wes steals Jillian away and says he doesn't want to watch her kiss other guys. "Not that you're cheating. I mean you sort of are," he says, accusing her of cheating before they're even together for the second time in the season's three episodes. Jillian says it's sweet that Wes is a little bit jealous.

Next, everyone goes to a typical Bachelorette party. (Rooftop, hot tub, booze.) Reid hangs out with Jillian and isn't sure whether to kiss her. Just as he tries, Juan shows up. The show plays Matador music. Get it? Because his name's Juan. Muy racista!

Juan talks to Jillian. Cut to David saying he'd like to kill Juan. What? On a 1 to 10 scale of craziness, this merits a 50. Or, heck. A 60.

Fiancée: Ohmigod, David would like kidnap her and throw her in a shed.

Me: Wes's possessiveness is okay, but David's is scary?

Fiancée: Sure. Wes wrote her a song. That excuses everything.

Everyone hangs out in a hot tub on the rooftop. Tanner P., the foot fetishist, goes off on how great Jillian's feet are. He starts kissing them. Later, in a supposedly unrelated development, Jillian and Prudence get out of the hot tub. The other 30 or so guys hang out in the hot tub together as she gives Prudence a rose. Then Jillian plays the guys the film of the Western they've filmed, saying it seems like some of them forgot they were on camera during filming.

Jill, I promise: None of these potential Bachelors ever forget they're on camera.

Next, Daniel Plainview gets a one-on-one date. He wins the best mixed metaphor of the night by saying he considers himself a wolf. Most people stay "in line," he says, while he's "always looking for that mythical unicorn." Here are some of the reasons this is a ridiculous thing to say:

— Wolves are pack animals, known for never hunting alone.

— Unicorns, as Daniel Plainview notes, are not real.

— Even if unicorns were real, there is no mythology that involves then being hunted by wolves; additionally, no one fantasizes about being hunted and disemboweled by their partner. Unless they're dating crazy David.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Wes notes that he has more on the line than the other guys because he's written Jillian a song. This is a great point that totally helps him make the case that he isn't just here to help his music career. No it doesn't.

Next, Daniel Plainview takes pictures of Jillian at an automotive museum. She stretches out across the cars in her bare feet. Tanner P., if he really is a foot fetish and isn't just using a middle-of-the-road fetish to differentiate himself and become the next Bachelor, must be soooooo mad right now. Daniel Plainview reveals he was in a tragic accident several years ago: He flew out the window of a truck that later landed on him.

Jillian: That's crazy!

Fiancée: Jillian's eyes are glazing over, and I can't tell if it's because she's bored or because she's drunk.

Jillian insists she was very moved by Plainview's tragedy.

Fiancée: Do you think she's ejecting him or he's staying?

Me: Staying out of pity.

Jillian: [Daniel Plainview] is a great person.

Fiancée: See? He's going home.

Plainview says he's told three ladies in his life that he's loved them, twice in high school and once in college. Then he brings up the mythical unicorn again.

Me: Jillian, please! You're from Canada. You know about wolves not hunting unicorns —

Jillian: That next chapter [in life] is so profound and so huge, it's like going out and finding a unicorn —

Fiancée: There's no way she's down with the unicorn thing. I would bet my life that she cuts him. She looks as bored as I would be if I had to date this guy.

Again back at the house, Wes plays all the guys the song he wrote for Jillian. The guys are extremely unenthusiastic. One or two other guys play some songs as well.

Tanner P: The guys playing guitar, I'm not sure what their agendas are. Are they here to win over Jillian or win over America?

Either way, the song has won over my fiancée.

Me: Does it bother you that the song only has a beginning, not a middle or ending, and that he just keeps singing the first line?

Fiancée: They don't have time for him to play the whole song. The show is only nine hours.

Back at the museum, Plainview talks about Jillian mothering his children and Jillian decides it's time to send him home.

Jillian: I wish I could be that unicorn he's looking for, but I'm not.

Props, Jillian! She sends him home — on a bus. And so Daniel Plainview becomes the first guy to go on a one-on-one date and not get a rose.

And then: Oh boy. When everyone is asleep, Wes goes and stands under Jillian's bedroom window and again sings her the beginning of his song.

Fiancée: Why is he performing in the terrible fleece? He's fine. Sing it bare-chested!

Jillian invites Wes upstairs to finish the song. If it has an ending. He goes upstairs.

Wes: I'm gonna play it again.

Me: See? He has to just start over again and again and open he's conveniently interrupted.  

Fiancée: I'm liking this song. I think my favorite part is the beginning.

Later, Jillian and the guys get together for a cocktail party. Jillian pulls aside David for a long-awaited heart-to-heart, and then Juan appears to pull her away.

Fiancée: Juan is such a [expletive] [expletive]

Me: Okay, fine, but David's nuts.

Juan teaches Jillian to say "I think you're marvelous" in Spanish. Jillian says Juan seems to be on the show for her, and not the wrong reasons, which is code for "to promote a music career." She says Juan is always a gentleman and attentive.

Later, she talks to Tanner P., who talks about his love of feet, and tells Jillian that he, unlike the other guys, is there for the right reasons. Jillian says she feels comfortable with Tanner P. despite his foot fetish.

David complains about how much he dislikes Juan, which freaks everyone else out.

Ed: Dave's a little unstable right now.

Reid: He looks like he's about to kill someone.

David tells Brad that Juan is here for the "wrong reasons" — secret code for, "maybe you don't have one-third of a song to promote, but you are trying to be the next Bachelor or something."

Standing outside, David challenges other guys to tell Jillian that Juan is terrible. Juan walks into the conversation, and David tells him to go inside, because he's talking about him. Juan turns and leaves, like a non-wolf. No unicorns for you.

Fiancée: Juan is kind of a wuss. But I think more than that he's smart. Because those other guys, particularly Dave, are drunk and delusional.

Juan appears outside again, sans Matador music. David tells him to go back inside.

David: You're 35 years old, bro. Stop being a cheese ass and be yourself.

Juan looks stunned. Sweet bartender Prudence says he agrees with David "about a 100 percent." Wait, is David right? Prudence's support lends David some credibility.

Me: David is the only interesting part of the show.

Fiancée: I like that he might legitimately kill someone. That's compelling television.

Jillian, talking to the great Chris Harrison, says she thinks Juan is a bit more "calculating" than the other guys. Then the guys line up, and Jillian gives roses to:

Jake, Prudence, Mark, Jesse, Tanner P, Wes, Juan, Michael, Kiptyn, Mike —

Chris: Gentemen, it's the final rose tonight —

And it goes to David.

Me: So good for the show.

Fiancée: I hope the producers are only milking the Juan-David dispute (along with Wes' supposed jealousy and Tanner P.'s rather pedestrian fetish) to lend excitement to an otherwise boring show and that Juan isn't in real danger.

David hugs Jillian.

Fiancée: His reaction's cute! He actually likes her.

Tanner F. and Brad go home. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, we rank this episode a 5. No need to go off the scale, thanks.

Next week: Someone claims other dudes on the show have girlfriends.

 

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In this week's episode, the guys film a Western, crazy David confronts calculating Juan, and Wes somehow manages to yet again work in the song he wrote for Jillian.
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Premiered: January 08, 2003, on ABC
Rating: TV-14
User Rating: (701 ratings)
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Premise: A rose-wielding single woman looks for Mr. Right among a passel of hunky men, just like on 'The Bachelor' but with the gender roles reversed. Original 'Bachelor' runner-up Trista Rehn was the first bachelorette, and her selection of Colorado firefighter Ryan Sutter culminated in the three-part special 'Trista and Ryan's Wedding.'

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