The Bachelorette Episodes

2003, TV Show

The Bachelorette Episode: "The Bachelorette"

Season 5, Episode 2
Episode Synopsis: After the 20 cocktail-party survivors settle into their "animal house," one accompanies Jillian to Hollywood's House of Blues, where they're serenaded by Martina McBride. Another dines with Jillian in a bank vault. Group dates include a trip to Venice Beach, where guys play basketball with the Harlem Globetrotters; and a pool party, followed by a race across L.A. Come elimination time there's a new wrinkle: The men vote on whom they'd like to see go, and after Jillian weighs in 16 are left.
Original Air Date: May 25, 2009
Guest Cast Harlem Globetrotters Martina McBride

The Bachelorette Episode Recap: May 25, 2009 Season 5, Episode 2

On this week's episode of The Bachelorette, one guy gets a little demanding of Jillian's time, a rivalry emerges, the Harlem Globetrotters and Martina McBride swing by for some reason, and four guys go home. Hi, and welcome back to our recap. With me as always is my lovely fiancée, who will contribute her thoughtful, incisive, and occasionally intemperate remarks.

This week's episode begins with the twenty remaining dudes introduced to their new sleeping quarters: side-by-side single beds in a no-frills, wood-paneled room. Fortunately, there's lots of beer there, so no one seems that upset. Then, Jillian invites eight guys (Michael, Brian, Brad, Daniel Plainview, Tanner P., country singer Wes, Ed, and Mathue) to a pool party that turns into a race around Los Angeles, during which they're supposed to find clues that will lead them to four necklaces and a bank vault where one of them will end up dining (and drinking) with Jillian.

An aside: While the Bachelorette recap is typically produced with the aid of copious amounts of tequila, this week, as an experiment, we decided to view the show with the sober analysis it so richly deserves. Also, we just got back from a wedding out of town and were too tired to make margs. (Also, congratulations, Mike and Natasha! May your union be as different from the ones on the Bachelor/ette as possible.)

Chris explains that though the eight competitors will be divided into four teams, only one man will get to spend the night with Jillian.

Fiancée: And shtupp her.

Me: Is that necessary? Must I condemn your intemperate remarks?

Fiancée: This show is a million times better with margs.

Long story short, Wes and Brad's team wins the race. Brad credits himself with the win, saying he's not only the brains in the operation, but "the only brain in the operation." So he's hoping that he, and not his song-croonin' teammate, will get to be the part of the operation that gets to eat with Jillian in the vault. (Why a vault? This is never explained. Even in our complete sobriety, we find ourselves at a loss.)

Jillian chooses Wes for dinner.

Fiancée: I like him. He has the same hair as you.

Me: I like him too. His hair is... magnificent.

They eat and drink in the vault and Jillian reveals perhaps too much: If her friends were watching, they would think Wes was a catch. A bunch of other guys arrive, including Ed.

Fiancée: He's cute. He looks like Ed from the show Ed. I saw Ed at the JFK airport. He was with his little daughter. I'd hook up with him. (Pause.) If not for you. Lisa Loeb was at the airport too.

Me: Was she cute?

Fiancée: She was okay.

Me: I'd hook up with her. If not for you.

Fiancée: Because of the glasses?

Me: Yeah, and "Stay" is a pretty good song. And I like the song where she's wearing a silver dress in the video. But yeah, mostly the glasses.

Fiancée: They're totally gonna shtupp in the bank vault.

Me: What? Who?

Fiancée: Jillian and Wes, the country singer.

Back in the vault, Wes says at 32, he's had three girlfriends in his whole life. Jillian says there must have been "a lot of girls in-between." Wes concedes there have been "a few."

Jillian lists the things she likes about Wes — "I love that he plays country music, I love that he's good looking, he's from Austin" — yet she feels the need to protect herself.  Jillian and Wes share the first smooch of the show.

Fiancée: She seems like she's had a few.

At this moment, the camera focuses on Jillian's wine glass. She tells Wes she's a little nervous that he might be a "bad boy," but she isn't ready to let him go. She gives him a rose, and he's allowed to stay in the house — though she explicitly says he'll get his own bedroom.

Fiancée: Oh please. They shtupp.

Me: What? Who are you?

Fiancée: That's the reason they're in the house, right? So she can make sure they're sexually compatible?

Me: I am forced once again to condemn your intemperate remarks.

Next, Jillian takes Jake the pilot to try on Western wear, the first part of what she promises will be "the coolest date in the world."

Fiancée: Wow... when he takes his shirt off you can see the actual indentation of each specific ab.

Me: Well, okay. But his hair —

Fiancée: And I like how his eyes crease when he smiles, and — whoa, his abs are amazing.

Me: No, okay, I'm just saying Wes' hair is better, because...

Jillian takes Jake to dinner, where they two-step. He says she could be his soul mate.

Me: Barf. And his hair is just kind of whatever. I mean —

Fiancée: His body is slammin'! And his dancing —

Me: You know who else is slammin'? Lisa Loeb.

Jillian and Jake talk about how much they like spontaneity. He asks why she's on the show and she says the same thing she said all through The Bachelor: To find her best friend.

Wow, that was exactly what he'd hoped she would say. Apparently he's seen The Bachelor.

Jake: Would you get married out of this?

Jillian:
Absolutely!

Fiancée: She's hammered!

Me: Once again I am forced to con—

Fiancée: Shhh — they're kissing. It sucks that she won't remember this tomorrow.

Jillian, who I'm sure is completely sober, springs a surprise appearance from Martina McBride. Jillian and Jake dance, and he gets a rose, becoming the second Texan of the night to do so.

Next, a bunch of the guys play basketball with the Harlem Globetrotters. David initially says he's the most athletic in the house, but gets a little less cocky and a little more racial-stereotype oriented when the Globetrotters arrive: "We're a bunch of white guys that played on an eight-and-a-half foot rim back at the house for a couple days."

Soccer coach Simon says he's terrible at basketball, despite being extremely tall, and Jesse says he considers Juan the least athletic guy on the show because he's mostly into "architecture and art, poetry and intellectual stuff." Seconds later, Juan is accused of dropping Jillian after lifting her up on the court.

Juan: I didn't drop her. I set her down like a gentle butterfly.

See? So poetic. David later volunteers that he'd like to hit Juan, making the first of many weirdly hostile threats.

Moving on: The Globetrotters tear our guys to pieces. To be fair, on their first basket they're kind of traveling. At one point they leave Jillian hanging from the rim, and only Juan is thoughtful enough to help her down. Then the Globetrotters endorse David as their favorite of the guys. So Juan and David have a nice little rivalry going.

Later, at the beach, Mike scores points with Jillian by running into the water in a Speedo.
Then they all go to a hotel bar, where Simon scores points with David by bringing a round of shots.

David: That's my dawg.

Moments later, Juan scores with Jillian by demonstrating more of his gift for a poetic turn of phrase:

Juan: Today when we were at the beach, you were standing on the sand looking at the — ocean and stuff? You know, the sun was really low and pretty? Your eyes were like soooo green and piercing.

Meanwhile, David tells the other guys that Juan poured his shot out without drinking it. Even though it looks like Juan did indeed drink the shot.

David: People like that drive me insane... guys like that get beat up. There's no reason we shouldn't tie him to a tree.

Later, Mike gets the rose for the Speedo routine, making him, Wes and Jake are safe for the rose ceremony.

During the cocktail party before the ceremony, bartender Robby, who hasn't gotten any alone time with Jillian, makes her his ludicrous drink, the Rosmo — half Robert, half Cosmo. But he soon wins our sympathy: As he tries to talk to Jillian, a surly Wes cuts in. Even though he has a rose.

Wes: (to Jillian) You cheatin' on me already? Is that what's goin' on here?

Jillian: Sort of... I'll be honest, there are a few other guys in the picture.

Good one, Jill!

Everyone's annoyed at Wes, because he has a rose already.

Reid the realtor thinks Wes is just here to promote his music.

David: He's a fake... he's here for the wrong reasons.

Robert confronts Wes, saying in a polite way that he wishes Wes had let him talk to Jillian a bit longer.

Wes: I didn't come here to date you, y'know, at all. Just because I have a rose doesn't mean I'm gonna slow down. If anything, you need to step it up.

Jillian: I thought he was a nice guy. He is indeed a bad boy.

Me: Right, his hair is great though —

Chris arrives and tells the guys he wants them to vote on the guy they most want to send home. Everyone talks about who they're voting for. Tanner P wants to send David away because he's maybe bonkers. David wants to send Juan away for repeatedly breaking "man code."

Brian, hoping "to differentiate myself," takes his clothes off and jumps in the pool.

It's been done, dude. Tanner P. rather cattily says Brian suffered from "shrinkage."

Juan gets the most go-home votes, followed by David. Jillian can save Juan by giving him a rose, which she does. She then gives the remaining roses to Jesse, David, Ed, Daniel Plainview, Mark, Michael, Tanner P, Kiptyn, Reid, Robby (despite his lack of face time), Tanner F., and Brad.

Going home are Julien, Got-naked-for-nothing Brian ("I'm fairly confident when I stripped it off I was pretty much hung like a light switch, so maybe that killed it"), Simon, and Mathue.

And so we set down another edition of The Bachelorette, like a gentle butterfly, and turn to the music of our country's pre-eminent singer-songwriter, Lisa Loeb, who, on further reflection, is much less slammin' than my fiancée. Whose contributions to this recap are invaluable.

Next week: Wes finishes singing a song he supposedly wrote for Jillian, and David confronts Juan. See you then.

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On this week's episode of The Bachelorette, one guy gets a little demanding of Jillian's time, a rivalry emerges, the Harlem Globetrotters and Martina McBride swing by for some reason, and four guys go home. Hi, and welcome back to our recap. With me as always is my lovely fiancée, who will contribute her thoughtful, incisive, and occasionally intemperate remarks.

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Premiered: January 08, 2003, on ABC
Rating: TV-14
User Rating: (720 ratings)
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Premise: A rose-wielding single woman looks for Mr. Right among a passel of hunky men, just like on 'The Bachelor' but with the gender roles reversed. Original 'Bachelor' runner-up Trista Rehn was the first bachelorette, and her selection of Colorado firefighter Ryan Sutter culminated in the three-part special 'Trista and Ryan's Wedding.'

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