This season's "After the Final Rose" special features Jillian reuniting with the guys she rejected, Reid getting a giggly offer, and Ed explaining his green shorts.
Hello and welcome to the final recap of the season, in which I'm joined, as always, by my magnificent fiancée. As we all know, the Bachelor/ette post show is often an unnecessary, ratings-driven affair, salvaged only by Chris Harrison's ability to ask anything. And of course by our morbid interest in seeing ex-lovers reunited.
The show begins, for some reason, with the reintroduction of Melissa Rycroft, a lovely young lady some of you may remember from The Bachelor.
Fiancée: How nice of them to bring her back. I always wondered whatever became of her.
It turns out that thanks to her gigs on Dancing with the Stars and Good Morning America, and her new engagement to her best friend, Melissa now thinks Jason did the right thing last season when he dumped her for Molly. So everyone's happy. Except Jason, who's thinking, y'know, maybe I shouldn't have gone for Molly after all. No, not really. Everyone's happy, and good for them.
We move right along to Kiptyn, the twelve-packed runner-up from near San Diego. Bachelorette Jillian, of course, rejected him — and surprise returnee Reid — in favor of Ed, the Chicago businessman.
As Kiptyn steps on the stage we watch a montage of his moments with Jillian, including his telling her that he's never had his heart broken. After the montage, Chris notes the irony of Jillian breaking his heart. In case Kiptyn hadn't thought of that. Jillian comes out to see Kiptyn, but the main thing we learn is that Jillian is "nervous."
On to Reid. The popular Philadelphia real estate guy looks pained as he watches footage of Jillian rejecting his proposal. Chris asks what went through his head as he saw it.
Reid: Huh. The same emotions that were happening then. You're getting denied twice and you're losing someone that you thought loved you and that you loved.
Reid further reveals that to return to the show after Jillian rejected him, he had to call the producers about ten times. And that he brought along an engagement ring he bought all by himself, unlike Kiptyn and Ed, who got theirs from a jeweler who provided them just for the publicity.
Reid: You know, it wasn't the greatest ring in the world.
And so Reid secures his spot as the next Bachelor. Nothing's official, of course, but come on.
Chris says he didn't know how Jillian would react to Reid's return, and that when she saw him he knew their connection was real.
Chris: Do you feel like a piece of you is missing, the love of your life is missing?
Jillian comes out again. And she's nervous again.
Chris: Do you still... love her?
Reid: Of course. Yeah, I do.
Reid asks Jillian if she might have chosen differently had he expressed his feelings sooner. She says no, she realizes now that she's with the right person. She also invites him to ask anything else he wants.
Reid: It's just not right to ask the questions I wanted to ask. ... One of them was about the Fantasy Suite.
Reid: I got nothing. You seem happy, and there's no need to poke and prod. ... I mean, you chose Ed, and I shouldn't even, y'know.
Yeah, w'know. Chris throws it to the audience for another question, and a giggly, nervous girl steps forward.
Giggly, nervous girl: Uh, hi Reid.
Chris, seizing the moment, reaches for a rose and passes it to Reid.
Chris: Here ya go.
Giggly, nervous girl: I was wondering if you've started dating again and if you'd want to go out on a date with me.
Reid: How old are you?
More laughter. Then Reid says he hasn't started dating again. He needs to regroup and spend time with his family. And get an agent and practice walking on the beach, lost in thought. And get ready for even more trips in a helicopter.
Finally, Jillian and Ed make their first public appearance together. Almost as soon as he sits down, she starts brushing off his shoulder. We also notice for the first time the massive height disparity between Ed and Jillian.
Me: He's a giant.
Fiancée: She's a peanut.
Ed says Jillian is going to move in with him in downtown Chicago. They're going to take part in weddings, family reunions, and other "real life" things for the summer, and she'll make the move in September. Ed says they've been together all summer long, except for five or six days. It's satisfying, in this day and age, to see a couple who can still keep the excitement going after all these weeks.
Chris throws it again to the audience. A woman says Ed and Jillian are a lovely couple, but what was up with Ed's green shorts? Chris joins in the attack on the shorts.
Ed: They looked a lot longer —
Jillian: Actually I'm a huge fan of them —
Chris: Wait, wait. Don't act like you like those shorts!
Jillian: I do love them.
Chris: You do not! There's no way.
Another woman asks if things are working out in the bedroom now, a reference to Ed's previous inability to, um...
Fiancée: Just say [filthy euphemism for making sweet love.]
Jillian: I mean the only problem with the bedroom is we can't get enough of the bedroom.
Ed: Um, yeah. Yes!
Okay, gross. And so another season comes to a close. We'd like to thank everyone who took the time to read our silly recap, especially those who weighed in with their own commentary. We read everything everyone wrote, even when you told us to [filthy euphemism for making sweet love] off.
We'll see you back for the next season of The Bachelor, assuming the next Bachelor is either Reid or our personal pick, Jesse's brother Thor.
This season's After the Final Rose special features Jillian reuniting with the guys she rejected, Reid getting a giggly offer, and Ed explaining his green shorts.