In The Bachelor's season finale, Jason introduces his family to the two remaining women, Molly and Melissa, and proposes to one of them. Then something crazy happens.
This week's episode unfolds against the backdrop of Internet claims about the crazy thing. I won't elaborate yet in case you've been protecting yourself from spoilers. Once again, I am joined in this recap by my lovely fiancée, who will offer her adorable and often intemperate remarks.
The episode starts with Jason reuniting with his 3-year-old son, Ty, on a New Zealand beach. Ty is growing up fast and doing all kinds of grown-up things: playing tackle football, golfing, and helping his father select his future stepmom. He meets Melissa, a sales representative in normal life, who sells herself to Ty by telling some pretty good little kid jokes. Jason produces a lamb for Ty and Melissa alike — which turns out to be the highlight of the entire season.
Me: A lamby!
Fiancée: Ohmigod! Look how f--g cute he is!
Jason takes Melissa to meet his family. They're protective of him given his divorce and dumping by DeAnna last season, and apprehensive about her parents refusing to meet Jason on camera. But by the end, Jason's mom is convinced that Melissa truly loves Jason.
Next, Jason takes Molly to meet Ty. He initially refuses to greet her or give her a high five. She finally breaks the ice by complimenting his throwing arm and tossing him a Frisbee. Then Jason, Ty and Molly run on the beach, splashing through the tide.
Fiancée: But he didn't present her with a lamb. Whatdoesitmean?
Jason takes Molly to meet the family. Jason concludes that Molly is more career-oriented than Melissa. Her job: Department store buyer. Jason says he can't imagine letting either of the women go. Is this foreshadowing? Foreshadowing of the crazy thing?
In a last-ditch effort to get her parents to at least talk to Jason, Melissa calls her mom and tearfully tells her she's in love. Her parents agree to talk to Jason on the phone, and then Jason and Melissa go for a boat ride, on stormy seas. More foreshadowing?
Melissa: I really, really hope that there's an 'I love you' coming from him pretty soon.
Me: Oh geez. If he doesn't pick her — heartbreaking.
Fiancée: Why hasn't there been one smart girl on the show who says, 'I want to get to know you better' when the guy proposes?
Me: Thank God for women who don't think it through before saying yes.
Because of rain, Molly and Jason have to go back to Molly's place for their final date.
Wearing a swimsuit, she straddles him while rubbing his shoulders and chest and eww. They exchange lines too hokey for porn.
Jason: Why didn't we do this before?
Molly: You need to put me in charge of dates more often.
Molly presents Jason with a fairytale she's written, dedicated to Jason: "The Love of My Life!!!"
Yeah. Three exclamation points.
Next, Jason prepares to call Melissa's parents for what's sure to be an awkward call: Hi, I'm super into your daughter, but also this other girl who gives me porn-dialogue rubdowns. So I may marry your daughter, or I may dump her, but either way it'll all be resolved by the end of the week. So bye, future mom- and dad-in-law, or parents of some chick I'm about to send packing.
We don't get to see much of the call, but Jason says it's satisfied a lot of his concerns.
And then, suddenly, DeAnna returns. She tells Jason she made a mistake when she dumped him last season and picked Jesse instead. They broke up soon after.
Jason tells DeAnna that in Melissa and Molly he has a choice between a safe choice and a wild card. Presumably Melissa's the safe choice and Molly's the wild card. DeAnna says she chose Jesse, the wild card, and was wrong. She wishes she had chosen differently.
Jason says thanks but no thanks. He's moved on. DeAnna takes it really well, and tells him to look beyond which woman is more fun. So, Jason says, he should follow his heart.
"I wouldn't say follow your heart. I would say lead it," DeAnna says. "I followed my heart."
Jason picks out an engagement ring, then gets ready, tearfully.
"Being in love with two women sucks," he says. "I never thought I'd be sitting her feeling so hurt."
Then he teaches Ty to wear a tie. Next: law school.
Jason waits at yet another beautiful New Zealand scenic point to wait for the women. We all know whoever arrives first is going home. The car pulls up, and Chris Harrison opens the door to reveal the first woman to be... Molly. Jason smiles at her, sadly, as she walks toward him in a purple dress. She has a prepared speech, saying she wouldn't take back a minute of anything that's happened.
Jason: I don't know how I could ever let you go. ... But I have to.
Molly: I think you've made a mistake. A big one.
They walk to the car, still holding hands. A weird thing given that he's just broken up with her and is about to propose to someone else.
Jason: Everything was real.
There are only two cool things you can say in a breakup, and this is one of them. The other comes in a few paragraphs.
Jason cries on the balcony — yes, the infamous balcony cry the show has teased us with in previews since the first episode. He's taking this really hard. Foreshadowing? Snaky guitar music plays as Jason keeps crying. This is maybe the most depressing fairy tale ever.
Melissa arrives and Jason says he's completely in love with her. He gets down on one knee, again proclaims his love, and the camera zooms in on the name of the jeweler in a really slick bit of product placement. Jason asks Melissa if she'll marry him. She asks for one second, turns, and makes a squealing sound. Happy guitar music plays. That's a yes.
Melissa and Jason and Ty jump in a pool together. Because that's what people do when they get engaged. Wait, no it's not.
We cut to After the Final Rose. Six weeks have passed.
Harrison says normally on After the Final Rose, the show celebrates the couple's love. But not this time. There's no studio audience out of respect for the people involved. All that possible foreshadowing? Yeah, that was foreshadowing.
Jason comes out looking very serious. He tells Chris it's been "a crazy time" with Melissa and starts crying again.
"Since this all ended, things have been different," Jason says. "We're not right for each other."
He also says he hasn't been able to stop thinking about Molly.
So, basically, this is like almost every other Bachelor or Bachelorette, except that the relationship has collapsed a little faster than usual. Props, by the way, to Reality Steve, who predicted weeks ago that this crazy thing would happen.
Melissa comes out, looking unusually great, perhaps aware of what's about to transpire and already staking her claim to be the next Bachelorette. It's kind of the least the producers can do at this point.
Jason says goodbye to Melissa, who says he should have talked to her and tried to work out their issues, because a ring is forever. Jason says he fell in love with Melissa and Molly at the same time.
Melissa: You're such a bastard.
Fiancée: He's a total scumbag.
Me: Once again I am forced to condemn your intemperate —
Fiancée: You're just saying that because you have to interview Jason and Molly in two days. They don't read your recap. No one does.
"Don't call me, and don't text me anymore," Melissa tells Jason. "Leave me alone, please. Thank you."
This, if you haven't guessed, is the other cool thing you can say in a breakup.
Molly comes out, Jason tells her what's happened, and he asks her if they can give it another go. We cut to a promo of Jimmy Kimmel interviewing Jason.
Jimmy Kimmel: I hope that you do get married and it works out beautifully, but I'm pretty confident that you won't.
Molly says yes, she'll give it another go.
Fiancée: Three-and-a-half months.