Welcome to the recap of The Bachelor: After the Final Rose. Part Two. Lord, when will it end? This is an extra hour of The Bachelor, which comes after last night's extra hour, in which Jason dumped Melissa, the woman he proposed to in the last episode of the show, and started something up with Molly, the woman he dumped in the last episode.
In this episode, Jason answers a bunch of questions about his six-week-old relationship with Molly, and we meet the next Bachelorette. In case all those viewers who say they'll never watch the Bachelor/ette again after this season are lying.
I'm here again with my lovely fiancée, under duress, because we are so, so tired of this show. Maybe the reason they need all these extra hours is that the first 10 minutes of every show are recaps of what's already happened? Anyway, the same is true tonight.
Chris Harrison welcomes us back from the commercial to note that Jason's decision has been "controversial." Meaning, everyone hates him. Chris then welcomes back a bunch of the contestants who escaped before the start of our long, national nightmare.
Stephanie, the single-mom widow and audience favorite, says she thinks Jason and Molly can last. Naomi, the one with the wacky family, says she wanted to put a fist through the screen when Jason ditched her girl Melissa. Erica, who got kicked off the show so long ago neither my fiancée nor I remember her, keeps talking about stuff.
Fiancée: Want to bet dinner on who the next Bachelorette is?
Me: Okay — I say Melissa.
Fiancée: No way. Jillian.
Chris asks people in the studio audience for their opinions. One woman who's been married for 21 years is disappointed Jason would put Melissa through what he did. A Molly fan says he did the right thing.
"Who's really mad?" Chris asks.
A nice-seeming woman says she's angry Jason didn't decide what he wanted sooner. But she doesn't seem that angry. Because really, how angry can anyone be? A show based on a ridiculous premise — that you can meet the love of your life on a TV show — has ended ridiculously.
Next, a guy appears. A guy is there!
"I would never propose to somebody if I had that reaction to somebody else," The Guy says.
Fiancée: Can you imagine bawling your eyes out about one girl and then proposing to me?
Me: Am I on a TV show and are you someone I've only known for a couple weeks? Just kidding. I only cry while watching Wall-E.
Jason comes out on stage.
The audience applauds politely. Chris asks Jason what reaction he was expecting.
Jason says he didn't handle things in the classiest possible way, but he did what he had to do, and Oh my God they're replaying another clip.
Half an hour has passed, and really nothing has happened. It's hard to build a clip show around events that we all saw a mere 24 hours ago.
Oh wait, Jason might cry again. He's doing that shaky voice thing I do when Wall-E gives Eve the plant. But he recovers.
"It was just honest," Jason says of the ridiculous thing he did.
Chris reminds Jason that many people across America are very, very angry.
Fiancée: It's so funny how personally people take this.
Me: No it's not. This is very important.
Chris asks Jason if he can tell his son Ty what he did. Jason says yes.
Fiancée: If you had a son, would you show him video of you crying like a sissy man on a balcony?
Fiancée: I'm going to tape you watching Wall-E.
Melissa, Chris says, has declined to appear tonight —
— but she says through Chris that she's doing really well.
Molly walks out.
Me: Why Jellyfish?
Fiancée: She has no spine.
We cut to yet another clip of something that happened 24 hours ago: Molly agreeing to start things up with Jason again just moments after he's dumped Melissa.
Fiancée: She is such a bad example for women. She's such a sucker.
Me: If you had to choose: sucker or a jellyfish?
Fiancée: A jellyfish. She seems desperate. She's willing to accept this no-good guy who already dumped her on national television. The engagement ring is still fresh off the other girl's finger.
Molly says people keep making unfair judgments about her character, and that they don't realize the characters on the show are real human beings. "These people who say these things don't realize the damage their words can do," Molly says.
Chris brings Jason back to the stage. Jason kisses Molly and sits with his arm around her. They say their relationship is much stronger because of all they've been through.
"We've become best friends, and partners in crime," Jason says. "The passion's still there, and the fun's still there."
Way to keep it interesting after six weeks, kids.
Jason and Molly say they talk on the phone a lot and have seen each other on a few weekends. Molly says she plans to move to Seattle, and the audience applauds, because they obviously want to see her make a terrible decision.
Chris asks them when they knew they were in love. Neither has an answer. Chris presents them with the tent where they went to first base (according to Jason) early in the show.
Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: Chris introduces the new Bachelorette: Jillian. My fiancée gets a dinner I probably would have bought her anyway. Because she's not a jellyfish.
Welcome to the recap of The Bachelor: After the Final Rose. Part Two. Lord, when will it end? This is an extra hour of The Bachelor, which comes after last night's extra hour, in which Jason dumped Melissa, the woman he proposed to in the last episode of the show, and started something up with Molly, the woman he dumped in the last episode...