As I've been quite verbal about in the
past, I was a huge
Knots Landing fan. So after reading about this episode and then seeing the coming attractions last week, I was, needless to say, excited. I mean, how could I not be?
Donna Mills was portraying a rich Beverly Hills socialite named Lulu Grandiron and she and her friends married wealthy high-powered execs, "divorced them and then took all their money." And adding to a true
Knots fan's delight, one of those friends (Annette) was played by
Joan Van Ark. All they needed was
Michele Lee and it would've been more of a complete set. But I'm thinking that Michele was asked but declined since the four rich women were all plastic surgery fanatics and maybe Michele didn't want to admit she's had work done? Those two other roles were filled by women who co-starred on other prime-time soaps in the '80s:
Shari Belafonte (she's dropped the "Harper") from
Hotel played Catherine in the really bad wig and
Deborah Shelton from
Dallas was Marla with the large breasts. Not only was I anxious to see the four of them appear as new clients of McNamara/Troy, but what made me most psyched was the plot involving Lulu coming to Christian for a very unique and radical procedure. She wanted him to make her look like her cat!
Last week's coming attractions smartly did not include a shot of Donna/Lulu with her new cat face. But they did show Joan's character dropping her champagne glass after the big reveal and frighteningly proclaiming to Christian: "Jesus Christ! What did you do to her?!" I wanted to scream: "Jesus Christ, Joan! What did
you do to
your face?!" Can we all say together: "Mommy, mommy, my pigtails are too tight"? Yikes.
Obviously, this plot was inspired by Jocelyn Wildenstein, the real "cat lady" who will perhaps go down in history as having the worst plastic surgery
ever. So I must commend the
Nip/Tuck makeup department (or would it be the special effects people?) for a job well done. And by "well" I mean horrible, just like poor Jocelyn, so kudos! I thought Donna did a superb job as bipolar Lulu, both before and after she was "off her meds." First of all, she certainly has had the best work done of all four actresses, so seeing her turn into a cat lady was unfortunate, but hilarious. At least we can say that
Donna didn't have to participate in any sleazy
Nip/Tuck sex scenes. Speaking of which, did we ever think we'd see Joan Van Ark in such a...
compromising position as Annette riding Christian like he was a horse? And how about some of those lines of her's? Joan (as Annette, who hasn't "had a carb since '87"): "Last year, when I had my vagina tightened, it was my girls here who pulled me through." Poor Val, I mean, Joan. Donna, please give Joan the contact info for
your plastic surgeon. Stat.
Meanwhile, back at the
crazy ranch, Sean finally got to see what a loon Colleen (
Sharon Gless) is. But first, Eden got her own evidence when Colleen gave Eden the "Eden bear" she made for her and lied to Eden telling her Sean and Aidan had been calling Eden a whore in front of the whole crew. Eden: "You're totally in love with Sean" and "you're a liar." I absolutely love that it was Bliss (the awesome
Leslie Grossman) who exposed Colleen to Sean. I knew it was going to be good when Bliss called Sean and said: "You have to meet me at Hollywood & Highland - your career and your reputation depend on it!" I was dying during that scene with the two of them walking at H&H since that's the exact same area where I walk every weekday when I leave the parking lot under the Kodak Theatre and walk to the TV Guide building. So I kept thinking: "When did they shoot this? I could've joined Bliss in making fun of Colleen!" Oh yes, Dave...it's just a TV show, so back to it: How mortified did Colleen look when she was caught working behind a teddy bear kiosk? Not only did she have "another" job, she didn't really have the "other" job. As we expected, Colleen is no talent agent - she's a stalker. Nice try, Colleen (trying to grin and
bear it): "It's my niece's kiosk. I was just filling in while she's sick." But Bliss blissfully pre-checked with mall security to prove that Colleen pretty much works there full-time.
How many of you thought that when Sean came home at the end and saw the trail of blood, followed by what looked like the back of Colleen walking away, that we were going to see that Colleen had just murdered either Bliss or Eden? All throughout the episode, I kept thinking that she was going to kill either or both of them, especially Eden since Colleen witnessed Sean caring for Eden in the hospital room. But what we saw in the closing scene was Colleen sitting on the couch with blood all over both of her arms, wrists and hands. Either she slit her wrists or was attempting to, or she'd just murdered one of her enemies.
While I'm mentioning Eden, it wasn't a big shocker to find out she was joining Kimber and Ram in their world of porn. Just when I thought I disliked the Eden character enough, there she was begging Kimber to punch her during their climactic and "very art-ty" scene of "Inside Kimber Henry": "Hit me! I'm a little whore and you need to hit me." Cut to Kimber willingly smacking the sh-t out of Eden. Kimber: "You've got to make an impression." Then cut to Eden and Kimber asking Sean to fix Eden's injury. Sean, not Christian. Kimber: "Stars flock to stars." Christian was certainly getting dissed throughout the hour. Even Colleen called him a bad actor. So it made sense that Christian took up the task of "filling the needs" of all those rich women and turning into Michelangelo, an "artist, not a mechanic."
I must mention that one of TV Guide Network's own,
Lawrence Zarian, co-host of our show
The Fashion Team, fabulously played one of those twin Berkowitz doctors at Lulu's dinner party and made me jealous. Lawrence's twin brother Gregory played the other Berkowitz twin.
Other items I'd like to point out:
- Best line of the entire episode was Christian to Lulu when he showed up at her doorstep and she was holding her cat: "Nice p-ssy."
- I laughed out loud and had to rewind a few times to hear the sound effect when Christian pulled out his, umm, "resume" and placed it on Lulu's dinner table for all to see: "You wanna see
my resume?" I loved the gasp-filled looks of the women and the penis-envy facial expressions of the men.
- One of the many great Bliss-to-Colleen insults was Bliss referring to Colleen as having "Chardonnay breath" and wearing "an ill-fitting ensemble from Chico's."
- Another reason why I'd want Bliss as a friend of mine: she recommended to Colleen to "just get him a gift certificate from Burke Williams. It always makes
me feel better." Same here, but the actual visit, not the certificate purchase.
- Best line of Sean's was when he finally said something of substance to Eden: "I'm old enough to be your father." Ding-ding-ding!
- Thankfully, Liz was her usual voice-of-reason self (to Christian, as he was preparing Lulu's
catastrophic surgery): "What are you doing?" Christian: "Making my client happy." Liz: "By turning her into Garfield?" Then, Liz to Christian (after the surgery's done): "She'll look like the side of a Hello Kitty lunchbox." I knew Christian was into p-ssy, but this was ridiculous. Yes, I just typed that.
- This week's brilliant song choices included "Cat Scratch Fever" by
Ted Nugent played while Christian was having sex with Annette, Marla and Catherine. Two other doozies were "What's New Pussycat" by
Tom Jones heard during Lulu's cat transformation surgery and "Maneater" by
Hall & Oates played right before the unvealing.
- Adding to the '80s TV nostalgia was
John Schneider back as Ram Peters. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the man has aged well. Ram's an excellent businessman, getting Sean to give Ram's older porn actresses corrective surgery pro bono in exchange for releasing Eden from her contract. But is Eden really done being reborn via porn? You knew something was bothering Kimber when she was poppin' pills in bed with Ram towards the end. Oh, yes. Perhaps it was because the younger slut version of herself, Eden, was also in bed with them. Ram: "How's my baby doing? Welcome to the family." The three of them look like triplets - they all have the exact same hair.
- I liked that Sean and Christian admitted to each other that they both had made errors in judgment: Sean with trusting Colleen and Christian thinking he was Michelangelo.
So what did
you think? Do you think Colleen is dead or will she be back to further stalk Sean? Was the blood on her hands and arms her own or the blood of the person she may have just murdered, such as, perhaps Eden? Yes, I know Eden was shown in next week's previews but maybe that was a flashback? A man can dream. I know there are a good amount of you who actually
like Eden. Hey, to each his own, right? Only two new episodes left. At least until the writers strike gets resolved.
You can check out
Nip/Tuck-related videos in our
Online Video Guide.
As Ive been quite verbal about in the past I was a huge Knots Landing fan So after reading about this episode and then seeing the coming attractions last week I was needless to say excited I mean how could I not be Donna Mills was portraying a rich Beverly Hills socialite named Lulu Grandiron and she and her friends married wealthy high-powered execs divorced them and then took all their money And adding to a true Knots fans delight one of those friends Annette was played by Joan Van Ark All they needed was Michele Lee and it wouldve been more of a complete set But Im thinking that Michele was asked but declined since the four rich women were all plastic surgery fanatics and maybe Michele didnt want to admit shes had work done Those two other roles were filled by women who co-starred on other prime-time soaps in the 80s Shari Belafonte shes dropped the Harper from Hotel played Catherine in the really bad wig and Deborah Shelton from Dallas was Marla wi