Preferred alternative title: "This Is
Not from a Bottle"
Allison is not herself and is speaking French! Her name is Sandra. What? Once again, the writers have outdone themselves: They had a fantastic premise, in which the soul of a dead person inhabiting Allison's matronly body to turn it into a sexy, trash-talking, gym-suit-wearing one.
Some fantastic lines in this episode included the following charmers with Allison-as-Sandra to Joe:
"Turn around; this isn't cable."
"Nice wardrobe. Who does your styling? Homer Simpson?"
Now them's just fighting words, little Miss Whosey-Whatsit. We all love Joe's blue boxers. She even has the nerve to refer to our lord and savior, Joe, as he who may wipe the bottom (but may not be written hence).
All the while Bridge is having a breakdown... only later do we find out, "We are completely out of toilet paper in here!" Once again the reference to bottoms in need of wiping. Lots of potty jokes tonight.
In other words, the show in which Joe finally gets his moment in the sun! Two hips, hooray. It was about time. This talented actor puts his all into every week, I truly believe, but he generally plays second fiddle to Patricia's major fifth. I think we should have more shows that spotlight one or more actors. This is by no means meant to infer that I don't like to see Patricia strutting her psychic stuff all over the place. It just means one week Joe, maybe another week of Scanlon. Then back again to Joe, Scanlon. Couldn't hurt, could it?
The girls even get a little more action this week with Ariel taunting Bridge like only an older sister can. Bridgette's grade-school popularity is warranted, as far as I'm concerned.
Bridge has seven boyfriends this year for Valentine's Day.
And then the melodic and dulcet tones of Ms. Corinne Bailey Rae provide a sweet refrain.
Now if I can just go ahead and toot Ms. Arquette's horn for a second, was she not fabulous as this other woman, Sandra O'Bannon? She even
looked different to me. She definitely sounded different, and it was almost creepy. Plus, how cute did she look with that haircut and that little jumpsuit? More proof of this show's copious talent from both cast and crew.
Furthermore, Allison-as-Sandra's turn as the mother of "The Children" was hysterical. When she turned to them and waved like the queen mum, not wanting to get close, I was beside myself. Then she calls the girls Arianna, Belinda and Cherie. When Joe corrected her, she replied, "Maybe I'll just call 'em 'girls.'"
Great Joe lines:
"Not while you're wearing my wife."
"She was perfectly lucid, just like someone else."
"We have three kids; that's plenty of excitement."
"You take the bridge side."
But the winner for best-father and husband-of-the-year award goes to Joe for saying, and actually believing, the following:
"Being with Allison is the party... and there's no better place to have a party than at home with the kids."
Joe gets to run through a rainbow of emotions, kind of like the Lucky Charms of feelings. Joe is verklempt. Joe is angry. Joe is sad. Joe is scared. Joe is fighting for his wife. Joe is torn up. Joe is mad. Joe is frustrated, frazzled and bedazzled. (Did you see "Sandra" in that Valentine's Day dress? Ooh, la la.) Joe is showcased in the very dramatic half-lighting. Then Joe stands with the golden lights behind him. All very Polish cinema, if you ask me.
Scanlon and his soft speak had a couple of good lines, but my favorite was to Joe:
"Look on the bright side, at least you didn't wake up as Mr. O'Bannon."
And D.A. Devalos is on my poop list tonight for not pulling enough strings to keep Allison out of jail and sending her to a mental institution. For all that woman has done for you and the city of Phoenix, couldn't you show her just a modicum of respect? Huh? I'm expecting at least a dozen long-stemmed roses and a box of chocolates to consider letting you out of the doghouse, Mr. By-the-Book.
As for Ariel, aka the Littlest Detective... perhaps she could start working with Scanlon to bring his crime-busting rating up. She also gets told she's the boss. If this were the '80s, Tony Danza would be out of a job.
Thomas and his hooker, oh sorry, his wife, had a fight in the car. They have a fantastic relationship: She hates him and I am pretty sure he feels the same way about her. Nothing worse than the cigarette flung out the window that somehow magically reappears on the floor of the backseat where no one can reach it without wrenching their bodies out of whack. Fortunately, this leads to Tom driving into a tree; we'll be better off without either of them. But soon we find out it was all planned. Bad man with a good line: "Son-of-a-b--ch, that hurt." After Tom learns his wife is still alive, he hits her with the shovel and the crunching sound is just gross. Tom was a plastic surgeon who made his lover look like his wife so they could kill said wife and get away with it and her gazillions of dollars. Look, people, these plans never work. Didn't they read the small print on the bottom of the screen? "Do not try this at home."
Sandra finally left Allison when she saw herself dead, and thank goodness, because I wasn't sure by that point if I could take the affected accept for a moment longer. But then Joe fell apart when he heard Allison's voice for the first time in days. And again, the heart, it broke a little.
The call Joe left for Allison to wish her, wherever she is, a Happy Valentine's Day was heart-wrenching: "You know I gotta tell you, hearing the message, the one before the beep, that was the highlight of my day. At least I know that that's you. Good god almighty, Allison, where are you? I miss you."
Joe tells Allison he didn't get her anything for V-day.... But she says she got it, she just checked her voicemail. She left him one, too. He listens to his, "That woman is a mind reader." Too true, Joe, too true. (Anyone want to guess what she said?)
OK, I'm going to have to put my foot down. I like
Corinne Bailey Rae as much as the next person, but this show used snippets of her song "Like a Star" on 12 separate occasions. The first time was lovely, the second very nice, by the third I thought, "So who is the music supervisor on this show, Corinne's manager?" By the fifth time, I was thinking it was her record company, but by the 12th time I was sure it was her mother. I am all for creative uses of songs in TV shows, and appreciate that if you use one song throughout, it is cheaper than 12 different ones, but by the end I was begging for anything, even heavy metal or Paul Anka.
Happy Valentine's Day, folks. Hope your day was full of chocolates and... more chocolates. What more do you need, really?
Preferred alternative title This Is Not from a BottleAllison is not herself and is speaking French Her name is Sandra What Once again the writers have outdone themselves They had a fantastic premise in which the soul of a dead person inhabiting Allisons matronly body to turn it into a sexy trash-talking gym-suit-wearing one Some fantastic lines in this episode included the following charmers with Allison-as-Sandra to Joe Turn around this isnt cableNice wardrobe Who does your styling Homer SimpsonNow thems just fighting words little Miss Whosey-Whatsit We all love Joes blue boxers She even has the nerve to refer to our lord and savior Joe as he who may wipe the bottom but may not be written hence All the while Bridge is having a breakdown only later do we find out We are completely out of toilet paper in here Once again the reference to bottoms in need of wiping Lots of potty jokes tonightIn