OK, the titles are getting a little too pun-tastic for me now. For those of you who are too young to get the pun (*gasp*), the title refers to arguably, the most famous and most watched episode of TV: The "Who Shot J.R.?" episode of
Dallas. Just Google it.
Anyhoo, we start out in an art gallery workshop with a couple arguing. Don't know the dude, but the wifey is none other than monotone
Sherry Stringfield from
ER! I guess her name is Marci, and she yelling at her husband (Jay) to stop seeing his mistress. What a pig. Mr. Sensitivity tells Marci that he will stop, but she's the publicity director for the museum and their paths will cross, so just "grow up." What an ouche-day ag-bay (my attempt at phonetic Pig Latin). Marci shifts gears and asks Jay what he's up to (by boxing up paintings in containers). He says he getting ready to ship some paintings he acquired from a private collection to overseas buyers. Marci asks astutely, "By acquired, you mean stole?" Heh. Atta girl... I can see where this is headed now. Can you say "sting operation?" He tells her to get over the whole theft thing; that the art is worth 2.5 mill and they'll get ten percent of that cut. So, says Douchey McGee, he needs to hurry up and get them ready to go or bad, bad things will happen to him. Just then, the FBI bursts in, and Marci reveals she's wearing a wire. How do you like her now, b*tch!
Cut to: Their WITSEC ID screen. They are now "The Arnsteins."
In the WITSEC briefing room, Mary, Stan and Marshall ask Marci and Jay if they have any questions about their new lives in witness protection land. Jay looks pouty and distracted while Marci is all smiley and, "Thanks for saving our lives!" When Marci leaves for a minute, Jay asks when Kay (his mistress) will get there. Mary almost has a coronary over the fact that Stan is allowing this a-hole to secretly have his mistress in the program as well. Mary doesn't want to lie to Marci, who thinks she's getting a fresh start with Jay (who she tells to "shut his hole." Ha!). Mary swears she'll quit before she plays a part in this game... until she realizes she has a mortgage to pay. Darn.
At Mary's house, Raph is on the couch with a busted ACL and Mary is wrapping his knee with ice. He insists he won't be there long, he doesn't want to impose. She says he's not, and he should stay, after all, it's just a temporary setback. He says, no, he'll be gone soon because "this is as far as we go." Oh Raph, don't go there. Mary says the same thing, and that she can only deal with his injury or their relationship, but not both at the same time. Mary makes me tired sometimes. She's a little too drama sometimes. But, she does give Raph a smooch before she leaves. Enter Brandi (thank goodness we get a reprieve from Jinx!), who asks what the hell "he's" doing here. Mary looks exasperated as she tells whiney brat Brandi that Raph is welcome to stay as long as he wants. She counters with, "What, now we're a nursing home for washed up Mexican pitchers?" He says he's a Dominican short-stop. Heh.
At the J. Arnstein Gallery, Mary spots Marshall and says, "Wow, look at you all upright and not dead." Ha! He does look spiffy. Marshall admires the art which is painted on wood from the late 19th century. Mary wants to bolt after they say hello to Marci and Jay, to which Marshall retorts, "What exactly is your problem with humanity." Hee.
Mary says hello to Marci who looks like a new woman. She's super happy and says her old Jay is back. When she leaves, Jay tells Mary that he's happier and healthier than ever and wants Kay out of the program because he wants to make things right with Marci. Wow, didn't see that coming. Mary is just as shocked.
Mary tells Jay he's nuts and that getting rid of Kay is not that simple. They're interrupted when Jay spots his "patron saint" Margaret. I guess that means she's financing this gallery. Then some man, who I shall now dub "Swarthy," makes a scene by smoking a cigarette indoors, and Jay tells him to get the hell out. He looks very sinister... I bet he's up to no good! Kidding, I have no idea. Mary asks how Jay knows Margaret. He says these paintings are from her collection and have been in her family for years. Mary says it must be hard to part with them, but Margaret surprises us by saying that she thought they were pedestrian early American crap. Mary is relieved she's not the only one who had that thought.
Back with the Raph and Brandi show, Brandi is hogging the TV and won't move. Raph tries to get some water but falls, so Brandi grudgingly gets him one and a beer for herself. She does offer to re-wrap his ace bandage, although Raph looks slightly terrified about that idea.
At the gallery, Mary and Marshall tell Jay that if they move Kay, then he and Marci will have to be relocated too. Of course, Jay thinks that's unfair, but Marshall reminds him that a woman scorned may give Jay's name to the guys who want him dead. Point taken. And, Marshall, or as I like to call him in this episode, the Wood Whisperer, informs Jay that the art is painted on Cottonwood and not Poplar.
Enter the drunken mistress. Marci punches her, which is awesome, but punching Jay is doubly awesome. He tells Kay to get lost after Marci runs out on the party. Kay looks devastated. I think they both should dump his ass. He's not even cute. Who's with me?
Mary calls Stan and leaves a sarcastic message about how they couldn't possibly have seen this mess coming. Heh. Mary and Marshall share some pie over a discussion about the morality of the situation. As Marshall says, pie makes everything better. Just as the pie soothes their souls, they get a call; Jay has been shot.
At the hospital, Mary tries to get Jay to tell her who shot him before he goes into surgery, but gets nada.
At the police station, Dershowitz (Let's just call him D.) has been keeping an eye on Kay. Mary pulls D. aside and asks where Marci is, but D. won't give her anything unless she gives him some details about her witnesses. Of course, she won't, so D. tells Mary to talk to Marci (she's in a holding room) about the shooting. Marci's in shock and pissed at Mary for bringing Kay into the program. Mary tells her that if the police suspect her for the shooting, Mary is the best friend she has. So, Marci tells her she was in the back of the gallery, heard a shot and found Jay on the ground. Mary asks about Swarthy, but Marci has no idea who that is. That was a pointless meeting. Mary tells D. that she's taking Kay and Marci into protective custody.
Marshall takes Kay to a cheesy motel, so she punishes him by making him fetch every allergy remedy known to man. Mary settles Marci into her room and asks for the keys to the gallery. Mary admits to Marci that she feels awful about lying about Kay. Marci basically tells her to eff off.
Back at Mary's house, Brandi is having fun rifling through Raph's overnight back. Of course, she finds the mother load in a little velvet box: the infamous engagement ring. Raph admits he asked Mary and she said no. Brandi musters up a "Poor Chico!"
Mary runs home early the next morning to change and finds Raph awake. He tells her Brandi has been very nurturing. Mary is as shocked as we are... although, we kinda knew she wasn't going to be a bitch forever. He's too hot for that. Which leads me to say, "Don't even think about it, Brandi!"
Marshall brings Kay her allergy crap and says, "I hope this fills the void." She goes insane from his "enigmatic" comment and starts screaming, "What void!?"
Mary breaks into the crime scene/gallery to nose around and finds a digital picture card. Surprise! D. is also there trying to find something the crime peeps missed. Mary finds some naked drawings, including Swarthy! What's he doing in a drawing? Just then, we hear a crash, and see a massive fire break out. Mary and D. barely get out thanks to the locked door.
Back at Mary's house, Brandi busts in on Mary showering because she wants to know the story behind the ring. Of course, that goes over well. Brandi says she's gotten to know Raph better and he's "not totally terrible." What a sweetheart. Mary says thanks for helping out but to keep her nose out of it. Brandi warns her that someone as good as Raph won't wait around long.
Marshall drops off a sandwich to Kay, who asks him to explain about "the void." Oh boy Marshall, what have you gotten yourself into?
Mary and D. bust into an art class that Swarthy is teaching. There's a nude model - so let the big penis jokes begin! ("Find it, I almost tripped on it!" "Does he charge by the hour or the foot?") Heh. Swarthy tells them to leave, but they have lots o' questions. Swarthy reveals that he and Marci were having an affair. The plot thickens! It's only broth thick right now... but wait! The wood columns in his room are made of Cottonwood! Now we're getting to béchamel-level thickening!
Marshall paces in the motel room as Kay cries about how there should be a possibility of her and Jay together. Marshall says no way, Jose. Then, Mary calls to confirm that Cottonwood paintings would mean they were fakes. Somewhere between Kay crying and this phone call, Kay has an epiphany that she should never have interfered in Jay and Marci's marriage. So, she decides to try to sleep with Marshall. Ugh.
Mary talks to Marci about the affair, and she explains the affair was a low point, but she still would never hurt Jay. Too late, because D. enters and arrests her for shooting Jay.
At the police station, D. questions Swarthy and tries to get him to confess to conspiring with Marci to kill Jay and split the money from the fake paintings. He says he'd never do that, but Mary says she knows he painted the fakes because they were on Cottonwood. He says, "I'd never dirty my brushes with that pedestrian early American crap." Hmm. Where have we heard that before?
D. pulls Mary outside to yell at her, but Mary cuts him off. She knows Marci didn't do it because the person who created the fakes needed access to the originals. She makes a phone call to the "suspect" and tells her to come by the hospital now that Jay is awake. Enter... wait for it... Patron Saint Margaret! Complete with a syringe full of poison to finish off her original plan. But, Mary walks in with D. and foils her scheme.
Back at the hotel, Kay jumps into the pool to cleanse herself of her self-involved life, and opts out of the program with Marshall looking on.
Mary looks at the picture card she found at the gallery and sees pics from the opening as well as shots Jay took of Marci having her affair with Swarthy. Mary realizes that Jay needed to see Marci with someone else to realize what he'd lost. Mary visits Jay in the hospital and slips him the card so Marci will never know that he knows about her affair. The last scene is Mary with Raph asleep on her lap. Brandi walks in and sees the moment and looks either jealous or displaced. Maybe both. Either way, "Keep your hands to yourself, Brandi!"
What did you think of the episode?
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OK, the titles are getting a little too pun-tastic for me now. For those of you who are too young to get the pun (*gasp*), the title refers to arguably, the most famous and most watched episode of TV: The "Who Shot J.R.?" episode of Dallas. Just Google it.Anyhoo, we start out in an art gallery workshop with a couple arguing. Don't know the dude, but the wifey is none other than monotone Sherry Stringfield from ER! I guess her name is Marci, and she yelling at her husband (Jay) to stop seeing his mistress. What a pig. Mr. Sensitivity tells Marci that he will stop, but she's the publicity director for the museum and their paths will cross, so just "grow up." What an ouche-day ag-bay (my attempt at phonetic Pig Latin). Marci shifts gears and asks Jay what he's up to (by boxing up paintings in containers). He says he getting ready to ship some paintings he acquired from a private collection to overseas buyers. Marci asks astutely, "By acquired, you mean stole?" Heh. Atta girl... I can s...