Hey gang, today you're getting a special treat, two for one recaps! First up ("Never the Bride") is the episode that will go down as the one that was supposed to make Mary look "hot," but ended up making her look like a caricature of a Vegas stripper. I'm not quite sure if we're supposed to think she looks ridiculous... she's clearly out of her comfort zone in this Brandi-inspired getup, but suddenly every male in the episode loses the ability to speak once they sees Mary's magical boobs. Calling hair and makeup! Time for a do-over! She looked more like a hooker than someone who's had a "hot" makeover. She was more of a "hot mess." I'm sorry to go on about this, but it did bug me.
On to the show! We start off in Hawaii, six months ago with a couple making out in a hammock.
Missy Pyle (how awesome is she!) plays a newly married wife who begs her husband to stop his "deals" while on their honeymoon, and forever after. She says it's immoral and dangerous and she doesn't care about the money. All she wants is to be with her hubby. He promises to stop and she rewards him by hopping on top of him and taking off her skirt. Heh.
Later, we see the "deals" are illegal diamond sales. The hubby meets with a South African dealer and the arrangements are made. The wife (we don't know her name yet), takes the diamonds to the housekeeping room and pays the maid to give her a suitcase to take off with the loot. That little harpy! She's conning her new hubby, who "trusts" her. Luckily for him, she's busted by the FBI on her way out. She's smart enough to say that she knows where 20 million in illegal diamonds are along with the men conspiring to sell them if they're willing to cut her a deal.
Cut to: Her new WITSEC I.D. as Treena Morris. She's in the witness room schmoozing up the FBI agent who nabbed her. This girl is a class-A manipulator and we can already tell that Mary loathes her. Stan doesn't get why the FBI guy, Bob, would care. Mary rolls her eyes and says, "Want me to draw you a picture?"
Trying, but not succeeding in hiding her contempt for Treena, Mary tells her that this is her shot at a "do-over," but that it will only work if she tries to be a better person than she was before. That she has to allow the possibility for something greater than herself. Mary says dryly, "I've seen even bigger scumbags than you make it stick." Heh! Treena doesn't seem to budge at all, and Mary says that she wants to know where the other 10 million in diamonds are... as if Treena would tell. Treena can see Mary hates her and tries the "you're very pretty approach." Then she ruins it by touching Bob's hand and saying, "How would I look as a blonde?" Mary looks like she wants to punch Bob out and tells him to get home to his wife and kids. Mary gives Treena six months before she screws up and goes to prison.
Cut to: Present Day six months later.
Mary, Marshall and Brandi are poolside reading the paper (Brandi's just eying the pool boy) and Marshall says the paper predicts Raph's ascension to the big leagues. Now we know he's a baseball player! I guess I missed that before. Even though he handed the youth club leader 20 tickets to a ball game in the Pilot, I guess they sorta dropped the ball on telling us they were tickets to his game! Anyhoo, Mary basically says, good for Raph, sounding like a sourpuss. "And, he's not my boyfriend!" Apparently, Mary is 13 when it comes to relationships. Mary gets up to go drop her car at the shop before her massage, until she sees Treena's picture in the paper... she's getting married!?
Mary's voice over tells us that she hates con-artists more than murderers because they leave their victims feeling foolish and break their hearts... because it isn't enough to just con them out of worldy possessions and money. She enters a huge estate and goes straight to the large backyard pool. Treena, now blonde, hangs out with a new beau Mark and his mother Deandra (the awesome
Joanna Cassidy). Deandra says, "Call me Dee, only my son's whores are required to call me Deandra." Instead of being defensive or hurt, Treena bumps fists with her soon-to-be mother-in-law. So it's that kind of family! Treena tells the gang that Mary is her best friend and maid of honor. Mary's face looks horrified, I think more by the maid of honor thing than the "best friend" lie. Heh.
Mary drags Treena outside flaming pissed. She tells her she's violated her security by being in the paper, put Mary and others in danger by outing her as a Marshal so she's outta New Mexico for good. Treena freaks, and says she loves Mark and doesn't want to go. Mary scoffs and says, "just like your last five husbands?" Mary tells Treena there's no way she'll let Treena ruin another man's life on her watch.
Mary gets a call from Raph; he's been called to the Majors! He asks her to come by after work. Mary seems excited, but not thrilled.
Marshall is in the background Mambo-ing which is such a random character thing, and gets more random (it's supposed to be funny, but seems silly to me) when Stan basically tells Marshall to man up when he dances "the peacock struts!"
Mary arrives at Raph's and he looks yummy. She's very excited for his new gig, but he seems distracted. Uh-oh. When he hands Mary a cupcake and tells her to take a bite we all know where this is headed. What a dingus, Raph! He clearly doesn't know Mary at all if he thinks she'll want to marry him! After he finds the ring himself and proposes, Mary flips out and tosses the ring across the room. That was kinda uncalled for, but he must have seen that coming! She bolts leaving him very hurt.
Mary is at a bridesmaid dress shop wearing one of the most heinous gowns I've ever seen, when someone starts taking pictures of the bride from outside. Mary, in gown and heels, runs to catch the guy who tries to run her over, forcing her into a heap of garbage. She badgers Treena about who that man could have been. She denies any conning so Mary assumes it's about the stolen diamonds (which Treena continues to deny she has in her possession). In one of the best lines of the show, (after Mary asks for her "mother-humping clothes"), Treena says, "You're dangerously close to being kicked out of the wedding party." Such a crazy bride thing to say!
As Mary tries to find something to wear to Treena's frou frou slut-fest (aka bachelorette party), Brandi thanks Mary for letting her stay at her house and wants to know if Mary can help her get her life back on track. Mary's touched, and Brandi helps her find the appropriate outfit. Brandi declares, "Jesus, you look hot," and Mary stares in disbelief and says, "I look like a whore." Have to agree with Mary on this one.
On the way into the party, Mary stops to talk to Marshall, who now has lost his powers of speech due to Mary being dressed like a hooker. It's ridiculous, yet Marshall is really funny, so I forgive it. He does report that Treena's would-be assassins are all pretty much accounted for and not in any danger of harming her at the moment.
Once inside, Treena tells a horrifying fake story about Mary and her college days flashing one of their professors in order to get an "A." Then, the un-sexiest stripper, complete with man boobs and a jiggle butt starts the party rockin'. Mary pulls Treena aside to yell at her some more, but Treena tells Mary off about being a hypocrite... Mary hides behind her job all the time. Mary has no comeback because it rings true.
Mary complains to the stripper about how hard it is to balance work and relationships, but then Marshall tells her Dershowitz is here to see her. He wants to know how the photographer who took the pictures of Mary in the bridesmaid shop ended up with a bullet in his head. He was working for South Africans based on his cell records, and Dershowitz has already put together that Treena is one of Mary's witnesses. Mary tells Marshall to lock down the party, and tells Treena the wedding is off because the Africans are back in town. Treena refuses because she really does love Mark, and that she realized that she needed to stop being a coward and take on that crazy thing called love. This is buggin' Mary since she just crushed Raph's heart into a thousand pieces.
Treena gets a call from Mark; he's being held hostage by the Africans who want their 10 million in diamonds back! Treena has to tell Deandra, who surprises us all by being sweet as pie about the situation. Treena tells Mary to find the diamonds in her condo in a jar of frozen spaghetti. The diamonds aren't there, and Treena has ditched the party to save Mark by herself. Idiot. Mary and Marshall find Treena and the Africans in a stable outside of town using a cell phone signal. Mary grabs Marshall's face to smear lipstick all over his face to make it look like they were making out, but Marshall gets all hot and bothered and kisses her back. HA! That was great. She says, "What are you doing?" He says "What are YOU doing?" Love it. Of course, Mary plays the sitch off like she's Treena's friend who was having some fun in the stables with her boyfriend. The bad guys grab the diamonds and try to take off, but Mary slaps the horse's behind so he'll run them over. She nails the boss and tackles him so that his face is in a pile of horse poop. Awesome. The other guy hopped on the getaway horse (Really?).
Mary finds Mark and releases him from the trunk of a car, and what do you know! He's not pissed at Treena at all! Love these NM peeps.
Mary calls Marshall on his attempt to "throw down" with her in the barn with his best friend. All he can say, hilariously, is "I'm a guy! That's what we do!" Dershowitz, and I'm not joking here, rides by on the horse with the other bad guy lassoed behind him. Heh.
Treena and Mark have a lovely wedding day, and she opts out of WITSEC to go live her life anew. Mary finally gets in touch with Raph and tells him not to leave on his plane to Miami until she gets there. Try as she may, even avoiding a train at full speed as her crap ass car stalled on the tracks (she pushed it off herself, cuz that's the kinda bad ass she is!), she can't make it to the airport on time.
What did you think? Was Mary a total beyotch to Raph about his proposal? Did you love the Marshall/Mary kiss?
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Hey gang, today you're getting a special treat, two for one recaps! First up ("Never the Bride") is the episode that will go down as the one that was supposed to make Mary look "hot," but ended up making her look like a caricature of a Vegas stripper. I'm not quite sure if we're supposed to think she looks ridiculous... she's clearly out of her comfort zone in this Brandi-inspired getup, but suddenly every male in the episode loses the ability to speak once they sees Mary's magical boobs. Calling hair and makeup! Time for a do-over! She looked more like a hooker than someone who's had a "hot" makeover. She was more of a "hot mess." I'm sorry to go on about this, but it did bug me. On to the show! We start off in Hawaii, six months ago with a couple making out in a hammock. Missy Pyle (how awesome is she!) plays a newly married wife who begs her husband to stop his "deals" while on their honeymoon, and forever after. She says it's immoral and dangerous and she doesn't care about the ...