On Sunday's episode of Desperate Housewives, there was a lot of arguing on Wisteria Lane. Susan and Bree clashed over the latter's infidelity. Gaby and Lynette clashed over the latter's pregnancy. Mike and Katherine clashed over the latter's insanity. And what could possibly have made Angie Bolen consider leaving Fairview altogether?
The world is a dangerous place, Mary Alice tells us in voiceover, and we must learn to defend ourselves against those who would hurt us. Who's hurting whom? Read on:
Karl's plan is to get Orson to break his parole by consorting with known felons, so off Bree goes to find one. She visits with Lamar, who was in jail with Orson. Lamar reports that they called the former dentist Flossy because he nagged all the inmates to floss all the time. Heh. Bree pays him $600 to visit Orson. She emphasizes to Karl that she has no intention of turning him in; she just wants to blackmail him to get her divorce.
Julie is still in a post-attack funk: If someone wants to get you, they will, she tells her mom and her friends, who are planning to take a self-defense class at the hospital. Susan thinks, in the wake of Emily's murder, that Julie should tell the police about her married ex-boyfriend, just in case. "Why would he attack me and then want to get back together?" Julie lets slip, which does not put Susan at ease.
Meanwhile, Karl goes to see Julie because Susan tells him that she's still upset. He suggests that they should switch cars for a while, since Julie is nervous that the attacker knows where she lives and what car she drives, so she can't even go to the library. It sounds like a good idea.
Until... Susan sees Julie's car at the no-tell motel, and, assuming it's Julie, calls her. She's at the library, "diving into an old favorite." "And vice versa, I'm sure," Susan snarks.
And that's how Susan eavesdrops and figures out that Bree and Karl are shacking up in a no-tell motel room. Naturally, she's upset.
BREE and SUSAN
At the aforementioned self-defense class at the hospital, Susan and Bree are, naturally, paired up for attack role play. Susan gets a little too vigorously into character, and ends up putting Bree in a chokehold and telling her that she knows about her affair with Karl. Bree storms off before they can actually hash it out, apparently satisfied with the peace of mind that her pearl-handled .38 Special provides.
After the dust settles, Susan confronts Bree and Karl in a surprisingly level-headed manner. "Are you drinking again?" Susan asks, searching for an explanation of any sort for why she might be in love (yes, love) with Karl. Ultimately though, Susan gives them her blessing. It's unclear if that means that Susan will keep their little secret, but for now she is not an obstacle.
LYNETTE and GABY
Tom buys a bottle of pricy bourbon and tells Lynette to give it to Carlos as a "sorry-I-didn't-tell-you-I'm-pregnant" gift. Lynette insists that Carlos was just overreacting and that he'll be fine now that he's calmed down. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Not only did Carlos tell the staff that Lynette was taking the job in Florida, he also moved her out of her office and into a closet.
Initially, Gaby says she can't get involved, but eventually she encourages Carlos to forgive Lynette, if only because the Scavos gave them a sausage-of-the-month club membership last Christmas. While the Solises talk of forgiveness, Lynette has lawyered up. She's suing Carlos, and the papers will be served the next day.
"I'm sorry — here's some crap to prove it," Gaby says the next morning as she presents Lynette with flowers, candy and a baby gift. Gaby and Lynette exchange a big hug, just as Lynette's papers are being served to Carlos. Gaby sees this as a betrayal, and boy, does this story line stink! Putting aside the legality of Carlos forcing Lynette out of the company because he found out she was pregnant, the Solises and Scavos have been friends for 15 years — how could things have realistically devolved this far?
Later, Carlos, accompanied by a company lawyer, asks Lynette to complete a two-day job by the next morning. It's an impossible task, but she has no choice but to agree. But later that evening, Lynette's maternal instincts kick in and she goes to Penny's Christmas pageant instead of finishing the project. Carlos fires her, and Lynette says she won't go quietly.
KATHERINE and MIKE
A forlorn Katherine tells M.J. about her relationship woes, including that Susan stole Mike from Katherine, which makes M.J.'s mommy a bad person. Mike confronts her and tells her that she's never seen him angry, but she will if she ever gets anywhere near M.J. again.
Apparently, Katherine saw this as a challenge, as the next day she picks up M.J. from a birthday party. She doesn't hurt him, but when Mike shows up, she again repeats that she had to tell M.J. that Susan is a liar. Mike realizes that he has no choice but to be cruel. He tells her that every moment he was with her, he was thinking, "God, I wish you were Susan." "If you mean it, then please kill me. It would be less painful," Katherine replies. "I don't care enough about you to kill you," Mike says coldly.
But apparently Katherine cares enough because after Mike leaves, she calls 911 for an ambulance and then turns the knife on herself.
ANGIE and NICK
While you'd think we'd get more answers about who killed poor Emily Portsmouth, the coffeehouse girl, last week, we don't. Instead, her death prompts Nick to tell Angie that he might have been in the vicinity of the crime scene, which might make the cops come knockin' again and they might want to run his fingerprints. As a result, Nick thinks they should leave Fairview; Angie, who likes her new life on Wisteria Lane, refuses.
Nick also tells Angie that he "called in," which is what we witnessed last week, but that the call won't be traceable. Angie is not pleased about this revelation, underscoring the importance of their anonymity by expositing that she killed a man. "I had to run, but you didn't," Angie says. "You gave up a hell of a lot just so I wouldn't be alone." She seems grateful to Nick, but as resolute as ever that they maintain the status quo.
While the Bolens try to make lemonade from the lemons of their life, Danny puckers up as his love life sours. Julie tells him she can't hang out with him. "It's because you slept with my dad, isn't it?" he asked. (Um, yeah!) No sweat, he says, he's forgiven her. His sweet, misguided attempt at winning her back fails though, as Julie — who is clearly a bundle of neuroses these days — shuts him down.
Cut to Angie walking in on Danny, who's taken a bunch of pills and is unconscious on his bed.
When he wakes in the hospital, Mona, a nurse who is also a neighbor, tells Danny that they're going to take good care of him. "It's not Dan; my name is Tyler," he says groggily, and I'm seriously praying for a cover-blowing amnesia story line coming up.
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