On Sunday's episode of Desperate Housewives, Bree confronted her feelings about her new contractor, Keith. The burden of lying to Mike weighed on Susan. Paul's new wife revealed a secret. Bob and Lee revealed their own relationship woes. Renee began her Godzilla-in-the-sandbox impression on Wisteria Lane, starting with the Scavos' marriage. And Carlos finally told Gaby the truth about Juanita.
Bree must have been listening to 2 Live Crew this week, because she so horny. She likes Keith's cheese-grating abs and his natural man scent so much that she's positively flustered. She's so busy checking out Keith's posterior as she's backing out of the driveway that she runs into Juanita.
At the hospital, Andrew tells Bree that he caught her checking out Keith's, well, you know. "Watch your mouth, this isn't one of your homosexual dance clubs," she replies.
"What's wrong with you people?" Gaby asks Bree and Andrew. "First, you take out my mother-in-law and now you go after my daughter?" She forgives them, mostly because she wasn't so fond of her mother-in-law and Juanita is going to be OK, but she warns them to "learn to swerve."
Later that day, Keith is working inside the house shirtless, which makes putting away the groceries kind of difficult for Bree, aka Mrs. Van de Butterfingers. "It's just been a very stressful day," she explains. "I think I know what you need," Keith says, and he gives her a big hug. So, she fires him.
Mrs. McCluskey is also impressed with Keith's genetic gifts. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I still like my men..." she says before Bree interrupts her. Bree explains that her track record — two men dead, one in a wheelchair — has made her a little gun shy when it comes to love. (Um, also, she just signed the divorce papers six days ago, McCluskey. Give the woman some time with her General Foods International coffee. Jeez.) Nevertheless, McCluskey tells her not to have regrets.
This advice is enough for Bree to set foot inside a dirty pool hall to ask Keith to come back to work. Using a car analogy, Keith says he thinks she's high-maintenance. "I need you," she tells him, and though she insists that it's just to fix her house, it's clear her life could use some fixing too. But he's going to pass.
Out in the parking lot, her head swimming, she again backs out of a parking space without looking and hits Keith. "It'd be a shame if we didn't finish what we started," he says suggestively. "Are you sure? It's a big job and the boss is kind of nutty," she flirts back. "I love a challenge," he says. Oh, you two!
Maxine thinks Susan's webcam shows are boring, so she shows her some moves, including the old clean-the-tabletop-with-your-breasts gambit. It's weird, but it works, and business picks up. Mike comes home and sees his wife in her lingerie in front of the computer, which is now fitted with a webcam. Since Mike is exceedingly simple, he doesn't think, "Is my wife having cybersex?" Instead, he remembers the 2 Live Crew cassette he was jamming to in the truck and thinks, "Me so horny."
And the cash is rolling in. Susan pays the car payment without telling Mike. He tells her he feels lucky to have such a talented jewelry designer for a wife, which only compounds her guilt. "You're getting good at this," Maxine tells Susan. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," Susan says.
Tom's not feeling well, so he goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with post-partum depression, according to a pamphlet hilariously titled "The Bitter Seed." Needless to say, harried mom Lynette is not sympathetic, but surprisingly, Renee is. She even stays up all night listening to Tom's plaintive song about how hard it is to be a later-in-life dad.
The next day, Lynette comes home, saddled with groceries, but Tom and Renee have gone out to dinner at a French restaurant. Lynette meets them and tells Renee that her involvement is not welcome. "You need a project, and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," she says, foreshadowing the entire season.
But Renee's meddling forces the Scavos to talk, and Lynette's confrontation forces Renee to realize that it's time to move out. So she rents Edie's old house, which has a certain symmetry to it.
But Tom isn't so happy about Renee's plan, and Renee knows why. "That was a million years ago," Renee says, shrugging off their unsaid past. "She can never know what happened between us," Tom says.
Paul shows up at the hospital after Juanita's accident and asks his neighbors to pray with him. They're all like, "Um, OK, sure," and they grasp hands with him like he just finished scaling a fish.
Things get weirder when Paul's wife Beth (Emily Bergl) shows up, and she's kind of a mess. Over a tense dinner, Paul says he can't believe there's no Plexiglas separating them, but it seems like Beth might miss it. While Paul was checking out 2 Live Crew videos earlier on YouTube, he had an idea. But Beth says she doesn't want to rush into sex. In fact, I think it's fair to say that she's not feeling so hot about her whole marry-a-murderer plan.
But Paul isn't catching on. He brings Beth some lingerie, hoping it puts her in the mood. "How could you possibly think I would wear something like this?" she asks him. He then presents her with the sexually charged letters she sent him in jail. "It was a fantasy; I never thought it would be real," she blurts out. "I thought you would stay in prison."
This does not sit well with Paul, who lets us see the creepy guy we remember from the days of his tanglings with Felicia Tilman. He tells his wife he's going to be patient, but not that patient.
BOB and LEE
Hey, look, there's Bob and Lee! But oh no, they're fighting. My gut tells me that this scene is meant to foreshadow their departure from the Lane, either together or — gulp — separately.
The nurse at the hospital asks Gaby innocently how old Juanita was when the Solises adopted her. Gaby is confused... and insulted. Nursey explains that since both Carlos and Gaby have Type O blood, it's a medical impossibility that Juanita, who is Type A, is their biological daughter. Or at least they can't both be her biological parents.
This news gets the hamster wheels in Gaby's scheming brain turning. She calls for Susan to come to the hospital, because she's hoping that she'll be able to fill in the gaps about Gaby's infidelity history. It seems that Gaby and Susan went on a ski weekend eight years ago and had dinner with a Frenchman who Gaby nicknamed Le Package. (Oh, behave, Gaby.) She got a little tipsy on champagne and, well, she doesn't really remember what happened.
While it's true that Juanita's blood type is a disturbing discovery, only Gaby would immediately jump to the conclusion that she might have accidentally cheated on her husband. But she does. So to cover for her forgotten infidelity, she tells Carlos she has sexomnia, a (fake) condition in which one has sex in his or her sleep. Carlos knows Gaby really well, so he kind of laughs it off.
That is, until the next day when the same nurse tells Carlos about Gaby's little freakout. Carlos takes the bull by the horns, pulls Gaby aside and tells her the truth. She is, naturally, very upset by the news. The fact that her discovery of the truth is coming this early in the season means that perhaps this story isn't about Juanita not being theirs, but about finding the child that is. I can't wait to meet mini-Gaby, can you?
What did you think of "You Must Meet My Wife"? Are you buying Bree and Keith's flirtation? Who will Renee set her sights on next now that she's a full-time resident of Wisteria Lane? Would you tune into one of Susan's shows? Do you think Paul will ever have a happy marriage? And how do you think Juanita's story will play out?
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