Julie looks very Valley of the Dolls (big hair, front-zip-up powder blue dress) as she tells us that for the first time this season, a veteran will be sent packing. Evel Dick doesn't count, I guess? Or did he send himself packing? Already I'm feeling oppressed by Julie's semantics.
But first: It's Day 34 in the Big Brother house and all of Daniele's Big Brother dreams have come true. She thinks Brendon is leaving. Though Jordan is on the block, she's widely considered a pawn by those in the know. Jordan says that she's confident of this as well and that she bought an eviction dress and she'd be really mad if she were evicted without getting to wear it. That's a white-girl problem if ever there was one.
Rachel gives the first of what will obviously be a string of teary confessionals as her man is on the brink of bye-bye. Hearing her whine is annoying, but hearing her punctuate every sentence with nervous laughter is worse and so I say: suffer little veteran. She goes into the Have-Nots room and cries. She knows Brendon's leaving. He's not so sure. Who's worse? As always, it's an impossible call. He's still so proud of himself that he "dropped the bomb" of taking Rachel off the block instead of himself, as if everyone didn't see that coming days ago. Oh well, we should all be so lucky as to love ourselves that much — especially Rachel, who's now in perpetual need of a pep talk.
There's much more assessing of the situation. This includes Jeff openly fearing the extent of Rachel's whining sans Brendon and Daniele's threatening demand that Kalia win HOH. Oh, and more wallowing on Rachel's part. How novel. Brendon knows he has to keep the newbies on his side. Porsche seems to be there. Rachel promises Elf Adam that he'll be safe all summer if he keeps in Brendon. Shelly, meanwhile, is "riding both sides of the house" like a Harley. Those last three are not her words, but I can't imagine Shelly riding in any other way. That is a compliment, as I genuinely enjoy her making-up-for-lost-Rock-of-Love-time swag.
Daniele talks to Adam, but the metal elf is as yet undecided. Then, she hosts Porsche in the HOH room. Porsche wants to be there for Rachel as a friend. Great idea. That will definitely work out so that everyone's happy. Daniele explains as much to Porsche regarding Rachel and Brendon's capacity to manipulate. And then Rachel walks in and interrupts and makes things awkward in a way that is signature Rachel. And then she leaves to go hang out with Brendon. And stay out! Rachel screams in confessional that the idea of Porsche, her closest friend in the house, switching sides and voting out Brendon drives her insane. She should say, "More insane," but she doesn't because she's insane, obviously.
Outside, Porsche tells Rachel to stop with the sad thing because it's making people uncomfortable. That's an understatement. Her insanity is contagious. Brendon jumps in and Rachel runs off because she doesn't like hearing...anything, I guess? "I'm going to lay in the hammock!" she whines as Brendon tries to stop her. Brendon reprimands Porsche. Brendon really has no bones about getting lippy with women when Rachel is involved. It's troubling.
Rachel cries in the hammock, "Nobody cares about anybody in this game but themselves!" Is it irony or stupidity that she's saying this for the sake of self-pity? I'm going with a little from Column A, a little from Column B. I really think that Rachel is the worst person in the history of reality TV. She's a member of the very modern club of villainy that despises villainy. In my day, a-------s owned their s---. Brendon asks her if he made a mistake by taking himself off the block. She says he did and that he also made a mistake by asking her to marry him. Oh, look! A moment of clarity. Whoops. She didn't mean that at all. She maybe backpedals or breast strokes or something and says she messes up everything and then whines that when she gets out of the house, everyone's going to hate her more. I guarantee you, they already do. Ha ha! "I'm not going to ever get a job! I'm not even that smart! Brendon, you can't marry me. I'm crazy!" she whines. Ugh, go home, or at least go far from a microphone that's being beamed into living rooms around the country, lady. Brendon is very supportive and reassuring. Normally, this would make him look like suuuuch a good guy, but it really only makes him look like suuuuch a chump. He's being confronted with his hysterical future and he's stroking its hair.
Julie interviews the contestants. She asks Adam if he'll ever be able to live down dressing like an elf amongst his metal-head friends. Yes, because he'll say, "I did it for $500,000," and everyone will understand. But he doesn't say that. Instead, he music-nerds about preserving the tradition of Ronnie James Dio, who was in a band called Elf, and then he does an elf dance. It is not funny and particularly not metal. Not even with the post-dance "Rawwr!" Julie asks Rachel what Brendon's gesture of salvation means to her. Rachel says NOTHING while using the words "special," "priceless" and "it means so much." But will it in three weeks? No. It will not.
But then, a message from Evel Dick. He says things would have gone differently were he still in the house. For one thing, he never would have let Daniele play the game this badly. That's assuming they would have broken their supposed stony silence, though. I never really bought that they weren't talking upon entering this season, for the record. Seemed like too much of an angle. We see a montage of the previous Dick-Daniele alliance. Then we flash forward to the present to hear Dick ragging on his daughter more. He criticizes her showmance with Dom and says she's repeating what she did in Season 8. Another montage confirms this. Dick says she could have waited till the Final 8 to start breaking up the couples. Dick does concede that Daniele is a competitor and that she does have a shot at winning, but without him it will be very hard. Well, that was self-serving in every way. Nature of the beast, I guess.
Julie talks to Daniele in the HOH room privately by CCTV. Does she regret trying to break the couples up? Daniele just thinks it was two weeks early. She's here to make big moves and she's here to take risks. This makes her the most easy-to-watch player in the game, for real! Daniele is excitement in a petite frame! Julie asks Daniele what she thinks her father would say about her game play and Daniele accurately predicts that he'd say she was insane. But he's insane so that cancels his criticism out. Daniele is clearly a lifelong sifter of Dick's crap. Is it possible to mend fences with Rachel? No. Rachel's taking everything personally and will continue to do so. Forever and ever, amen.
We cut back to the living room. Brendon's final words are choked through tears. He uses the phrase "Big Brother husband" which is a great way of describing the nature and function of his relationship with Rachel. Jordan urges people to vote for whoever will get them further in the game. This is proof that not everyone in the house thinks for themselves ... or is it?
Jeff is up first. He votes to evict Brendon. Rachel tearily votes to evict Jordan. Kalia votes to evict Brendon, of course. Adam votes to evict Brendon. Porsche "regretfully" votes to evict Jordan. Lawon votes to evict Brendon. Brendon's going home! But let's see how Shelly votes: it's to evict Brendon. Fire up that Harley!
It's announced that Brendon is going home. "I've got a gorgeous finacee," he says. Rachel clings to him like one of those little plush monkeys with the clip as its arms that you'd put on your bookbag when you were in first grade. Inside the house, Rachel is consoled by some and laughed at by all (internally).
Brendon's exit interview is said through tears. It is so boring and not at all illuminating. He loves Rachel, that's his story and he's sticking to it. Take that as you will.
Brendon's goodbye package starts out hilariously with Kalia telling him, "There are a lot of things easier than rocket science. Apparently, getting you out of this house is one of them." Is this show called Big Brother or Big Zinger? I've momentarily forgotten. Jordan says Brendon is getting a good wedding gift from Jeff's $10,000. Daniele says that what goes around comes around. Rachel whines and wails. "Our babies will always see our love story on DVD," she says, as if that's something to be proud of. Their babies will also have their parents' sex life at their fingertips via a simple Internet search. Awww!
But then: A new twist. Julie gathers the houseguests into the living room and says that the next evicted houseguest will have a chance to get back into the game. See, what the houseguests don't know is that the four previously eliminated contestants have been held in isolation. One of them will battle next week's evicted houseguest live. The winner gets back into the house. And we get to vote. I did. For Dominic. He's cute and I want Daniele to win. It was the easiest decision I've made all year.
Then: The HOH competition. It's called "Check Mate," and it involves answering questions based on the first three evicted houseguests. Two face off and whoever answers incorrectly is eliminated until they get down to the Final 2. They're in front of a giant chessboard, which doesn't make sense, but it's a nice decoration and invocative of Alice in Wonderland so whatever. Kalia gets the first question right before Julie can even ask it. Rachel gets the second. Kalia gets the third. Porsche gets the fourth because Rachel answers it wrong and then curses on live television ("Houseguests let's keep it clean!" scolds Julie). Shelly gets the next one. Kalia and Porsche face off. Kalia gets it. The final question is upon us: Shelly vs. Kalia. Kalia gets it and she is the new HOH. Yes! She cries but not harder than I do! Things are looking really good for Daniele right now and that's all that matters to me in my life. Sad, but hey, it's the summer offseason. What am I going to do, feel really strongly about Shark Week?
Are you glad Brendon's gone? Happy Kalia won HOH? Which evictee do you hope comes back? Share your thoughts in the comments.