Aspen. Doesn't it make you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Or maybe that's just Ryan Seacrest. In any event, we're here for another round of auditions featuring questionably talented people, very few of which will actually be from Aspen.
We start out with a bisexual music teacher who, like every other young girl thus far, wants to bone Steven Tyler. Jenni Schick sings Pat Benatar, lives her dream of kissing the washed-up Aerosmith front-man, and then goes through to Hollywood. Next, something really weird happens and one of the waitresses from Two Broke Girls tries out. (I knew it was her because of her yellow apron uniform). Her name is Tealana Hedgespeth — what a mouthful! — and Randy tells her, "You're funny, man." Which is to say...you suck.
She may live in a log cabin in the middle of the prairie, but freckled hippie-child Haley Smith has serious star power. And she sure as hell has the need to succeed: she's a vegetarian and works in the meat department of someplace terrible, presumably. Literally — chick makes sausage for a living! Kathy Griffin's blonde sister who claims to be 22 but is really 47 auditions next. And you know what? She sounds exactly how you would envision Kathy Griffin's sister would sound as a singer. So you can draw your own conclusion from that.
Next, a sweet girl named Karrey Tweten shares her struggles with bipolar disorder, and wows the judges with her raspy-toned voice. Steven stares at her creepily and longingly, and then sends her to Hollywood. Jairon Jackson, who failed to unclip his Zack Morris-sized cellular phone from his belt-loop for this tryout, sings an original ballad. He, too, impresses the judges and is sent through to Hollywood. J.Lo tells him he has something special.
Then comes Angie Zeiderman, another glaring example of a disorder many Idol hopefuls suffer from called "celebrity similarity dysmorphia." CSD-sufferers see themselves as extremely similar to a celebrity that they share no resemblance to whatsoever. Angie thinks she's like Lady Gaga. She acquires a Russian accent, sings (and rolls around on the floor to) a number from The Producers, and then the judges almost find the nearest ski-lift and jump off of it. When she stands still to sing "Blue Bayou," however, she changes Randy's mind and gets put through to Hollywood. We end the night on the lowest possible note with a man who says his name is Magic Cyclops but I'm still convinced he's Sacha Baron Cohen.
An all-time high of horrible performers on tonight's episode, don't you think? We were doing so well up until this point! What did you think about Aspen? Weigh in below!
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Aspen. Doesn't it make you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Or maybe that's just Ryan Seacrest. In any event, we're here for another round of auditions featuring questionably talented people, very few of which will actually be from Aspen.
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