Hey, kids! It's American Idol winner Carrie Underwood, but she's 15 pounds heavier and workin' on a farm! You, too, can go from modest farm-livin' to Hollywood superstardom — Carrie's livin' proof, ya hear?
We happen to be in St. Louis, the city in which Carrie was discovered. At first I got confused, because I didn't realize there were farms in St. Louis, but then I remembered that only approximately 5 percent of the people who try out in each state are actually from that state (Carrie's from Oklahoma. It all makes sense now).
It is here that we meet Johnny Keyser, a 22-year-old raised on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by a single father. He sings "A Change is Gonna Come." "You know you're gonna be a star, right?" says J.Lo. "Keep singing!" the judges command him. The voice (and face) on this kid...I can't handle it! I haven't a single ounce of snark to write about this guy. He's that good (-looking).
Next up, we have Madison and her mommy Rachelle "my ex ripped my dreams away" Lamb. She sings an ironic tune for an embittered woman, called "Find Somebody New." Is this déjà vu? Because I'm pretty sure the exact same thing happened last night. The judges are impressed with her country twang, and she goes to Hollywood.
Next up is Reis Kloeckener, who was bullied all his life until the hand of God touched him in the form of high school choir. He sings "Lean on Me," and he's pretty good — as in, probably best-in-the-choir good — but (and I hate to say it) I think he'll crumble under the pressure when push comes to shove.
We take a mini-Idol break for Steven to go out and give everyone a strange pep talk. Then, he takes a few 20-year-old girls into a bathroom and gives them a pep talk too. But a different kind.
Back at auditions we meet Ethan Jones, a kid who dropped out of school to be in a band with his family, but then his dad got all caught up in drugs and alcohol (as not-so-famous rock stars also tend to do) and had to go to rehab. "I can relate to that," says Steven, who smoked crack with Ethan's dad on tour one time. Ethan sings the only good song that random guy Edwin McCain ever came out with, called "I'll Be," and goes to Hollywood.
Things get weird when a hotel employee auditions. His name is Mark Ingram, but I could swear he was a contestant on The Glee Project under the name Alex Newell. Anyone else? He is profoundly untalented, but unfortunately for Alex, this is the least of his problems. SOMEONE GET THIS GUY A PAIR OF LARGER, NON-PINSTRIPED PANTS FROM BIG & TALL THAT DO NOT HUG HIS CROTCH. And I'll leave it at that.
Lauren Gray and her family are pretty much royalty in Hardy, Ark. They run a "one-stop-shop" wedding venue, where she sings at the weddings with her father Ozzy Osbourne. Her audition song is an Adele number, which is always a bold move, but she ain't half bad! But truly, she ain't good either. She goes to Hollywood, because standards are now at an all-time low.
That's it! Next week we hit Hollywood. And you know what? I'm nervous. Because honestly...I'm not sure that we've met the next American Idol. Do you?
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Hey, kids! It's American Idol winner Carrie Underwood, but she's 15 pounds heavier and workin' on a farm! You, too, can go from modest farm-livin' to Hollywood superstardom — Carrie's livin' proof, ya hear?
We happen to be in St. Louis, the city in which Carrie was discovered. At first I got confused, because I didn't realize there were farms in St. Louis, but then I remembered that only approximately 5 percent of the people who try out in each state are actually from that state (Carrie's from Oklahoma. It all makes sense now).
It is here that we meet Johnny Keyser, a 22-year-old raised on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by a...
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