American Idol Episodes

2002, TV Show

American Idol Episode: "Auditions #6: Portland, OR"

Season 11, Episode 6
Episode Synopsis: Preliminary auditions continue in Portland, Ore.
Original Air Date: Feb 1, 2012

American Idol Auditions: Portland Has Exactly Zero Talented Singers Season 11, Episode 6

Welcome to Portland, the city that's known for its cloudy skies... and now, also known for its insufferably terrible singers! Are you just dying to go to Oregon, or what?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had sexy dreams about Sara Bareilles and made up a lie about getting pulled onstage at a Sara Bareilles concert (we saw no photographic evidence to serve as proof). We'll call this girl "Tripster the Hipster" because she has a fondness for falling, and thinks thick-rimmed glasses are ironic (truth: they are not). Anyway, as an obsessed Sara Bareilles fan she ideally wanted to try out for The Sing-Off, that other singing-competition show, on which Sara is a judge. But as the story goes, Tripster the Hipster was so annoying that no one would be her acapella partner. So she settled for lame 'ol American Idol, sang a second-rate Brandy Carlile song, and got sent through to Hollywood. Her real name is Brittany Zika but that's not important because she was not great.

Then we meet her friend, the chronically sick/compulsive nose-blowing red-head Ben Purdom. Sadly, his illness bought him no sympathy from the judges.  Will there be any talent in Portland? Why yes! If it isn't Jermaine 'The Giant' Jones, whose audition provides us with a brief moment of salvation. Speaking of salvation... dude's so nervous he's sweating like a whore in church, but I guess when you're 6'8 ½  (don't take away his half!), s--- happens. He sings "Superstar" by Luther Vandross and the judges send him through, but they suggest he loosen up a bit.

A sweet blonde named Brittnee Kellogg (two e's, two l's, two g's) tells her sob story of being married to a two-timing basketball player with whom she has two kids. She chooses to sing "You're No Good," (har har har!) and Steven tells her she has a beautiful sense of humor. The judges like the raspy tone in her voice and how passionate she is about her a--hole of an ex-husband.

Up next is Sam Gershman a "motivational dancer" (see also: stripper) who is probably the understudy's understudy in the worst Broadway show to ever exist. She screeches for an unbearable 30 seconds or so, and after giving her the big N-O, J.Lo encourages her to persevere. "We're not saying don't do this," Lopez explains. Which is to say... please, Sam. Don't do this.

As if we haven't been tortured enough, fast food employee David Weed decides to pour a salt, lemon juice, and hot sauce concoction on our painful open wounds. "Please, just leave us to die!" thinks every person in America. "Let us bleed until we've nothing left!" And for the record, NO WE DO NOT WANT FRIES WITH THAT.

Just as we're about to see the white light red gate of hell, in walks Romeo Diahn, a refugee from Ghana who sings a beautifully unique rendition of Bob Marley's "Is This Love." Like J. Lo, I wonder how much range he'll have, but he gets sent through despite her hesitations. 

Naomi Gillies sings an Aerosmith song and it's good enough to get her to Hollywood. Then comes cherubic-faced Ben Harrison, who manages to give The Tripster Hipster a run for her money in a competition based on who is more intolerable.

Finally, we end the evening with Jessica Phillips, who sings "Again" by Faith Evans. Jessica is experiencing a real-life version of The Vow (or at least what I envision The Vow to be about) — her boyfriend suffered a stroke and didn't remember who she was when he woke up. The sad thing, really, is that she's just OK — but goes to Hollywood anyway. After that story, who could say no?

Sorry for the brutal honesty and negativity tonight, you guys. But it must be said: these people all sucked! Yes, even the caretaker of the stroke victim. Who did you hate the most? (Because surely you didn't like anyone, right?) Comment below! Also, you're cordially invited to join my virtual prayer circle in which we will beg for a better day of auditions tomorrow.

 

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Welcome to Portland, the city that's known for its cloudy skies... and now, also known for its insufferably terrible singers! Are you just dying to go to Oregon, or what?

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Premiered: June 11, 2002, on FOX
Rating: TV-PG
User Rating: (3,318 ratings)
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Premise: The smash reality series showcases wannabe pop stars competing for a record deal by crooning for a panel of judges, including, most entertainingly, the acid-tongued Simon Cowell, who departed the show in 2010 after serving for nine seasons. The judges review a performer's talent (or lack thereof), and at-home viewers then vote for their favorite potential star. The show helped launch the careers of such artists as Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson and Adam Lambert.

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