You thought we were going to be in Texas, didn't you? Joke's on you, fool! We're actually in space with a real, live astronaut and a floating microphone. Soon enough, though, we return to planet earth, and it seems along the way we've acquired an alien named Ryan Seacrest. What a long, strange ride it's been, folks. And so begins our Galveston auditions.
Let's talk about Phong Vu for moment, shall we? In case you forgot (he wasn't particularly memorable, save for his offensive Ed Hardy button down), he's the emotional man who sang Toni Braxton. When will the producers learn that only a small margin of the population actually enjoys these dime-a-dozen train wrecks?
We were somewhat compensated when the mud ridin', deer-shootin' Skyler Laine came in and sang her little country booty off. You see, Skyler works at her parents' deli that's fallen on hard times lately. So blah blah blah winning American Idol would mean a lot to her. She has a sweet Southern sound and goes through the Hollywood.
Next up we have Baylie Brown who actually auditioned during Season 6 and made it to Hollywood. But she didn't make it past group round, because she was paired with some nasty Jersey girls who threw her to the ground, ripped out her weave, and pumped their fists atop her lifeless body. Ok those last things didn't happen, but that's what Jersey girls do, right? Anyway, Baylie is absolutely stunning with crystal clear blue eyes and her voice is superb. In fact, Randy smiled so much during her tryout I actually suffered temporary blindness by way of his veneers.
Ah...the whole "pregnancy ruined my career dreams" story. How many times have we heard this one before? Kristine Osorio, who is 28 and consequently almost too old to be here, is one such case. She has a rocker-chic look and sound. She gets sent to Hollywood.
"Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world," says contestant Alejandro Cazares, who, incidentally, was born without a neck and thinks he is Che Guevara. What a tragic little cartoon character this man is. He's one of these sad individuals that truly believes in himself even though not a single person with a pulse and a prayer would. "Never a career in singing for you, it's not going to happen," Randy says, letting him down gently.
And then there was the kid who pulled off the impossible: performing a version of Adele's "Someone Like You" that doesn't make you want to simultaneously cry and slit your wrists! A feat accomplished by no one! We salute you, Cortez Shaw. We predict you will go very far in this competition.
Our last contestant of the evening is worship leader Ramiro Garcia who has an undeniably zen way about him. He was born without ears and doctors told his parents he would be deaf and mute. But Ramiro's defied the odds and performs an inspirational rendition of "Amazing Grace" for the judges. "You're a power of example, to say the least," says Steven. Off to Hollywood Ramiro goes! And his father cries and hearts melt because watching a grown man cry is just... ugh. Gut-wrenching.
And that was Texas! Are you inspired to start a revolution of your own? Tell us how you'll do it in the comments!
You thought we were going to be in Texas, didn't you? Joke's on you, fool! We're actually in space with a real, live astronaut and a floating microphone.