Ryan walked past the Idols and asked the magic question, "Who will be going home tonight?" He gave a very long look to Sanjaya, knowing full well the king of hula was not going anywhere. (I thought the real question was, "How many white strips do those kids put in their mouths each night?" Because the whole lot of them have the whitest teeth I have ever seen.)
Next we had the money shots, Eva Longoria and Sharon Osbourne, our resident audience stars of the evening. Ryan introduced the judges, which wasn't really interesting except that when he introduced Simon, Simon winked at Paula. It was frankly a bit creepy. Let me take a moment here to say, "Poor Randy." Simon and Paula get all of the attention and Randy just sits there. What exactly is his function? Aside from the various glasses he shows off each night, the vibrant shirts and the "Dawg, you blasted it out da house tonight," I'm not sure I know what he's doing there. Well yes, he is collecting a sizable check each week. That may be just enough to keep him there, even if no one has anything to say about him, to him or near him.
To fill up some less-than-60 minutes (but still way more than 30) of show, we were subjected to another Disneyworld-style group sing-along. The kids were gathered together and sang like they were at theater camp. That was three-and-a-half minutes I am never getting back. The song was in way too low of a key for any of the contestants. And everyone was mugging for the camera so much, I didn't know if I was watching
American Idol or "America's Useless Celebrity Poses." The good news is that Haley had an entire outfit on. She wore actual pants - the kind that ran from her waist all the way down those miles of legs to her shoes. And I didn't spy one inch of cleavage, or back-vage for that matter. She was showing a little shoulder, but all in all, I guess she got Simon's point last night about how she was wearing less and less clothing to try and save herself.
Ryan and Simon once again played footsies for all of us, with Ryan coyly pointing out that Simon is a very "rich boy" and getting richer by the minute. Was that drool in the corner of Ryan's mouth?
Then he introduced the first guest. (Why are we being subjected to this guy -
again?) Ryan said the song we were about to hear was currently numero uno somewhere. And "here he is singing 'Don't Matter' - Akon!" Cheers from the audience. Really? You all remember that this was the guy who sauntered around Gwen a few weeks back and whose only contribution was the following, "Yo, yo, uh-huh," etc. All I can say is if that song is No. 1 in the nation, meaning the nation is "voting" for it by buying or downloading it, Sanjaya could just be the next American Idol. If the judges were to critique Akon and his "bandmate," it would go something like this:
Randy: Yo, dawg, check it out. That was hot, dawg!
Paula: I like your track suit.
Simon (arms crossed): I didn't understand a single word you sang. And your friend stole Sanjaya's next hairdo.
Ryan: So, Akon, what do you think of the judges' comments?
Akon: Yo, Uh-huh.
Thanks, folks, and good night.
No, no, not quite yet. We must quickly fast-forward through the car commercial with the kids singing "Happy Together." Do we really think they are all friends? Or are there some cutthroats backstage taking bets on who the next loser is? Hmmm....
Simon talked about "schools in boxes," which was actually really cool. For a mere $183 they put supplies for eight school children in a box the size of a large suitcase and voila, ready-made classroom. Hopefully, they are also providing those kids with fresh drinking water, but I know how you all don't like me to get too political, so I will just say crayons are great, but clean water is even better. One of the little girls drew a rather realistic stick figure of Simon and he was gamely offended. Regardless, they are doing a good thing giving a few bucks away.
The fun edit with the judges doing their audition-day routine intercut with Tony Bennett as a potential contestant was probably the most enjoyable part of the show. That Tony, what a kidder.
Ryan announced that
that Celine) would be joining them on the stage in the coming weeks and I heard Haley's legs buckle under. Good thing she had on those tight pants to keep her from falling over. Will she get the chance to meet the supreme diva? Who will end up singing, "My Heart Will Go On"? Or will they all do it together? Tune in next time for the answers to these and other earth-shattering questions. Actually next week is country week and
Martina McBride will be mentoring. Celine is further down the road. Or maybe she's just doing the "Idol Gives Back" gig. Anyone? Bueller?
See what happens when they stretch what could be a 15-minute show into an hour? There's too much to talk about!
OK! Finally, let's vote someone off the island, shall we? Phil kept saying he was "just blessed" to be on the show, so let's toss him to the lions. LaKisha managed to ease by another week (Ryan said, "Surprisingly, you are safe"), and I wasn't sad because it meant either Phil or Haley would go home. Haley was next and because she was wearing long pants, she got tossed into the lions' den. Most of the rest were safe. Ryan kept toying with Sanjaya and as the winner's circle narrowed, a cut to Chris weighing the options left him looking mortified. And rightly so: he was voted into the lions' pit, with Sanjaya squeaking by again.
After a gratuitous shot of the girl from
King of Queens, Ryan offered to pull one of the near-losers out of the pit. So, Mr. Richardson, wipe that look of horror off your face and take a seat.
Some notable moments regarding J.Lo:
- Ryan said the words "her talents" just as a picture of J.Lo shaking her derriere in shorts even shorter than Haley's flashed across the screen.
- J.Lo with the kids, heading for a sit-down on the floor, said, "Let's pop a squat." Next shot: She's sitting, elevated, on a stool while
they are popping a squat!
- She wore an awful lot of bracelets. If she were Wonder Woman she could definitely use them as bullet shields.
- Did anyone else think that outfit was very Stevie Nicks?
- She was allowed to sing an entire song in Spanish.
- She sang on key 95 percent of the time.
- J.Lo is taller than Ryan.
- She was really lovely.
Still, it was no "Hips Don't Lie."
Finally, we dimmed the lights because 35 million people voted. The real numbers are 10 14-year-old girls voting, like, 3.5 million times each. Drumroll please, because this is a happy day no matter how you slice the pie. "Phil, you're safe." Haley, you're outta here! Lions, Bon Appétit! But of course, this means we have to listen to her sing again. (Would it be wrong of me to turn off the TV
My final parting words: was it really worth letting Gina go home last week to have Haley stick around for this week? Oh, well, old news. Break out your 10-gallon hats and cowboy boots, we're gonna have a hoedown next time! Y'all have a good week now, ya hear?
Ryan walked past the Idols and asked the magic question, Who will be going home tonight? He gave a very long look to Sanjaya, knowing full well the king of hula was not going anywhere. (I thought the real question was, How many white strips do those kids put in their mouths each night? Because the whole lot of them have the whitest teeth I have ever seen.)Next we had the money shots, Eva Longoria and Sharon Osbourne, our resident audience stars of the evening. Ryan introduced the judges, which wasnt really interesting except that when he introduced Simon, Simon winked at Paula. It was frankly a bit creepy. Let me take a moment here to say, Poor Randy. Simon and Paula get all of the attention and Randy just sits there. What exactly is his function? Aside from the various glasses he shows off each night, the vibrant shirts and the Dawg, you blasted it out da house tonight, Im not sure I know what hes doing there. Well y...