30 Rock Episodes

2006, TV Show

30 Rock Episode: "The Ones"

Season 3, Episode 19
Episode Synopsis: Jack and Elisa (Salma Hayek) consider taking their romance to the next level, so Jack shops around for an engagement ring, with Liz in tow. Jack also seeks wisdom about the realities of marriage and consults a very unlikely person---Tracy. Meanwhile, a prank goes awry at "TGS," resulting in an injury and a gushing Jenna's encounter with a sightly emergency responder.
Original Air Date: Apr 23, 2009
Guest Cast Salma Hayek: Elisa
Full Episode
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Season 3, Episode 19
Free | NBC

Aired: 4/23/2009
Also available on Netflix, iTunes, Amazon Instant Video and VUDU
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30 Rock Episode Recap: "The Ones" Season 3, Episode 19

Thursday's 30 Rock is about Jack, Jenna and Tracy realizing that they've found their perfect mates: "the ones." Jack wants to propose to Elisa, but she has a secret. Jenna wants to reconnect with her one heterosexual fan, even it means killing Kenneth in the process. And Tracy has a terrible secret as well: He's faithful to his wife.

JENNA
Sadly, the TGS staff is deprived of Sno-Balls this week, because of a staff allergy to coconut. Liz thinks allergies are psychosomatic, but Kenneth reports that if he has a strawberry, his throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class. Jenna chimes in: "If my cousin Stephanie eats a walnut, her throats shuts up faster than a Filipino at..." Liz cuts her off, leaving me, shamefully, to wonder what the end of that sentence was.

The writers rebrand themselves as "The Pranksmen." (They even wear matching fedoras with feathers!) First victim: Lutz, who falls prey to the old put-a-mouse-in-a-donut-box gag. Classic! He runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious, and then a flat-screen falls on him. "Because of what you did, we almost lost a monitor," Pete says, scolding the Pranksmen.

A handsome EMT shows up, and he's a big fan of Jenna's, and he's not even bi-curious!

He has all her albums, even the one she did with Phil Spector. "I still think that would have sold better if he had shot me in the face," is Jenna's timely reply. Jenna is called away, because Us Weekly is reporting that her animal shelter is providing quesadilla meat to amusement parks, so she never gets the guy's number, because a woozy Lutz eats it by mistake.

Jane Krakowski is pitch-perfect in this scene, comedy-wise and singing-wise. "Baby cried the day the circus came to town," Jenna croons in the threshold of Pete's office, leading him to ask if she needs to talk. "Oh, I didn't see you there," she says with nonchalance. She goes on, belting, "Don't cry out loud!" Are you sure you don't want to talk, Jenna? "It's kind of none of your business, but all right," she replies. She can't find the paramedic, so she's kind of stalking him, despite 911's brazen lack of a celebrity service. Pete gives her a sociopath test:  A woman goes to her mother's funeral where she meets the perfect man, but he leaves before she can find out who he is. What does she do to see him again? "She kills her father hoping he'll come to that funeral too!" Jenna chirps, which isn't good news, judging by Pete's face.

But she isn't going to kill her dad. Instead, she poisons Kenneth's sandwich with strawberries so the EMT will return. "My real name is Dick Whitman," Kenneth says as he passes out, a giggly reference to recent guest star Jon Hamm's character on Mad Men. "Someone call the cute guy at 911," Jenna cries. But they send other EMTs — women — who inform Jenna that there are different shifts — "like on a sheik's pleasure yacht," Jenna adds, figuring it out.

Enter Pranksmen, who fake another allergy attack on Kenneth to get Jenna to confess to her wrongheaded treachery. Her apology is a riot: "I am just a girl standing in front of a boy she poisoned so this other boy would go to town on her." (The pop-culture references are flying this week.) Pete downgrades Jenna from sociopath to extreme narcissist, which elicits a sweet, oblivious smile from Jenna.

Jenna reveals that she put strawberry juice on Kenneth's chick peas, in his water and on his "mouth radio" (harmonica). Jenna is sad because she thought he was "the one" (more on that later), and that it hurts more than her foot Botox. So Kenneth poisons himself so Jenna's dreamy EMT will return. "Earn this!" he croaks as he hits the floor, which I believe is a line from a pivotal scene in Saving Private Ryan. Ha!

Sure, Kenneth was legally dead for five minutes, but Jenna got her date! But, sadly, it wasn't meant to be, since he has legal custody of his 5-year-old son. Kenneth is fine, but he "brought something back with him," he tells Liz, and then he exhales visible, Sixth Sense-style breath.

JACK AND ELISA
Jack and Liz are at Tiffany's, shopping for an engagement ring for Elisa. "Are you sure?" the salesman asks, giving Liz the once-over, confusing her for Jack's intended. Jack reports that Elisa is "the one," a term he thinks he coined. "You should be a writer," Liz snarks.

"Puerto Rican!" Liz exclaims when she finds Elisa waiting for her in her office. She has been back from Puerto Rico for three weeks, but is avoiding Jack's proposal because, although he's "el uno," she has a secret. "Sorry, I haven't spoken English in two menses," she says when she fumbles her explanation. Liz guesses that her secret is that she's a man. "You wanna see me naked?" she asks. "Sort of," Liz answers. She asks Liz to break up with Jack for her, and kisses her full on the lips. "I can see why he likes it," Liz shrugs.

Liz goes to give Jack the bad news, but Elisa rushes in, and apparently wants to get married. ¿Qué? Later, Jack is upset because Elisa wants to keep her maiden name. The cleaning lady recognizes Elisa as the "viuda negra," the black widow. Jack is confused, but Liz enlightens him. "Elisa has a terrible secret," she spills. "My current theory is that she's the mother of those Michael Jackson kids." While Jack and Liz are doing Web research, Elisa surprises them. "La Pedrera," Jack purrs. "Puerto Rican!" Liz shouts. "Really, Lemon?" Elisa says.

She explains her "dark tale" while wearing a silly T-shirt — it says "What the Frak?!" (Seriously, these writers have been spending some QT with their TiVos this week.) "I was married once and I killed my husband," she confesses, because he cheated on her. It was a crime of passion, and she was exonerated because they couldn't find an impartial jury after that song about her came out, which cuts to a Mariachi performance of that old-school favorite, "Elisa La Viuda Negra." So she leaves it up to Jack, who is distressed... because he already put his wedding announcement in Cigar Aficionado.

Jack still wants to marry her, saying that she had one bad day. "Right now, someone is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky," he rationalizes. His male biological clock is ticking, because he's 50, which is like 32 for ladies. "It's not product placement; I just like it," Liz says, when Jack catches her wearing a Slanket in her office (more on that later). Jack's dilemma: What if he marries Elisa and he accidentally cheats? What if he finds himself stranded in a snow cave with a stern, but comely lady-geologist, both of them knowing that their only chance at survival is the heat from their naked bodies? Liz reluctantly tells him he has to test his fidelity.

Cut to Tracy, who offers to arrange a test of erotic temptation for Jack. They hit the clubs together. "This is decadent, and I once went to Miami with Daryl Strawberry," Jack reports. Tracy tells Jack that Angie's "the one," a term he claims he made up after seeing The Matrix. He also reveals that he has never cheated on his wife; it's all for show! He even gives out fake phone numbers. Cut to the surprisingly hilarious Brian Williams answering the phone. "No, this isn't Tracy Morgan," he says. "I've not heard of that term before. Do you know how to get to Connecticut?" Heh.

It's 4 a.m., and Liz is singing "Working on the Night Cheese," sitting on the couch eating cheese in a Slanket. When Jack shows up, she feigns sleep, but Jack heard her singing "Night Cheese." Blerg! Jack reports that Tracy's life is wild, "like Enron, 1999." Elisa bursts in on them. ("How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?" Liz asks.)

Elisa followed Jack, and has the wrong idea, judging by her wielding of Liz's cheese knife. But actually, she understands that Liz is Jack's "bro," and apologizes for acting like Glenn Close in Atracción Fatal. Liz stands by, listening, until Elisa barks: "Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?"

Love makes Elisa "loco for Choco Puffs," so Jack tells her that engagement-wise, they are not going to forge ahead. "Was that my English? Or was that not a great breaking-up speech?" she asks. "It was your English. That was quite moving," he deadpans. Liz sneaks in and grabs her cheese.

TRACY
Tracy needs to buy a present for Angie to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the night they first met, when Angie was working at Arthur Treacher's and Tracy was living there. He has two options: a denim jacket that says "Hot Bitch" in diamonds or a Slanket — aha! aha! That's where she got it. Liz tells him to just ask Angie what she wants. "You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark," he replies.

"I'm wearing it as a joke," she says, when Tracy catches Liz wearing the Slanket in her office. Tracy is upset because Angie wants him to get a tattoo of her name and face on his chest. "I can't have this on my chest scaring off the beautiful women in the clubs," he reports, especially since his signature move is taking off his shirt. Cut to a montage of real footage of Tracy Morgan taking off his shirt in various televised settings. Life, Art — oh, how you magically dance the flattering dance of imitation! Now Tracy has a "Sophie's choice" since Liz has made it harder for him to cheat on his wife. (In the original order of the ep, this is obviously funnier.)

Dotcom suggests he get the tattoo, but then, when he goes out to the clubs, use a marker to draw a mane on it to make it look like a lion and change the name to Tangiers. Tracy thinks he's an idiot, since then everyone will think he owns a gay lion, and storms off. "The Moroccan national soccer team is the Lions, and Tangiers is in Morocco, so yeah, I guess I'm an idiot," says the always brilliant Dotcom.

After his night out with Jack, Tracy shows up at work, drunk and shirtless. He tells "Liz Lemon Cool J" that he got the tattoo after all, but on his back — and, um, it's the Tangiers version. "That is one gay lion," Liz says under her breath.

What did you think of "The Ones"? How many pop-culture references did you count?

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Thursday's 30 Rock is about Jack, Jenna and Tracy realizing that they've found their perfect mates: "the ones." Jack wants to propose to Elisa, but she has a secret. Jenna wants to reconnect with her one heterosexual fan, even it means killing Kenneth in the process. And Tracy has a terrible secret as well: He's faithful to his wife.

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Premiered: October 11, 2006, on NBC
Rating: TV-14
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Premise: A female TV writer tries to control the behind-the-scenes antics of a live, prime-time variety show and deals with interference from a network bigwig.

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