This week on 30 Rock, Liz and Dr. Baird, Jack and Elisa, and Kenneth and the prettiest, blindest girl ever went on strange Valentine's dates. Here now the recap!
So, Liz lands her date with Jon Hamm's Dr. Baird, only to have it take a cue from CBS' Worst Week when mishap after mortifying mishap befells our poor heroine. First, in the midst of what was touted as a "very interesting" story of how she was born on the Maryland-Pennsylvania border, Liz's boob falls out of her blouse - and it wasn't even "the good one," she laments. Later, as she is "recovering" from her cheese-based stew (?!) and as her brownies burn, a draft blows the bathroom door open, showing Drew her remaining lady bits.
Is the worst over? Not. By. A stretch. Divorced Drew's daughter gets dropped off, and she is a tween hellraiser with a penchant for drink as well as accumulating those colored bracelets the (ahem) "popular" school girls wear. "Luckily," her visit gets interrupted by the news that Drew's mother is about to croak. While (again) acknowledging that it's "too soon" in their relationship, Drew drags Liz to mom's bedside. There, Liz is left alone to learn a deep and dark secret about her date. And then Mama Baird passes.
Amazingly and one poorly timed liplock later, Liz and Drew salvage the fantastically awkward night and move forward. Hopefully, he doesn't plan to kill and eat her.
Jack, too, endured a hella Saint Valentine's Day date, having been forced by Elisa (Salma Hayek, aka she of the headline-grabbing breasts) to hit church instead of a tony hot-spot featuring a $1,000 dessert. As such, Jack (cell hidden in hand) is forced to contort the Lord's Prayer into a reservtaion cancellation. Were that not offensive/hilarious enough, he then is dragged into confession, where his litany of colorful trespasses gets the best of the priest. "Harvard didn't prepare me for this," the white flag-waving clergyman cries.
Jack and Elisa break up, only to quickly reunite when a McFlurry coupon in a collection plate is seen as a sign that they belong together. Thank Kroc!
Lastly - in what really was a well-divvied episode - Kenneth fell hard for a blind intern pawned off on him by Frank. So hard, in fact, that he couldn't get a word out, prompting Tracy, that incurable romantic, to play Cyrano for the page. Peppering his conversation with mangled cornpone colloquialisms ("Yes-indeedy corn cobs!") and faking a fancy dinner date on the TGS stage, Tracy gets Kenneth far in his bid for romance. Alas, when the smitten Jennifer goes to feel Kenneth's face, his lack of a chin puzzles her and then sends her running. Poor Parcell!
The McFlurry of bullets:
* "Good morning, regular person Lemon."
* "Let a McFlurry be what it is - the world's greatest dessert." (Is it? I've never had one. It's like a non-dairy, oil-based milkshake, yes?)
* "Please don't tell me you're one of those 'convenient Catholics' that only goes to church every Sunday."
* "I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for the mouth on my back." Um....
* Jennifer, as Kenneth pours coffee on his shows: "I smell burnt plastic."
* Jack, spying a pic of Liz's crazy-handsome beau: "What is this, a green card thing? Closet case? Slump-buster? Bundy-esque serial killer?"
* "If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God, too." And yet Liz's are the ones that cannot be contained!
* "You ever put a donut in the microwave?"
* You can buy scarves at Dunkin' Donuts?
* Tracy advising Kenneth, "You need to ask out that sexy Miss Magoo."
* "Now is the time for galantry!"
* Jennifer: "My instincts have never let me down - except for looking at that eclipse."
* "It's my own [stew] recipe, where I use cheddar cheese instead of water." OK, how is Liz NOT 300 lbs.?
* "No, [this happens on] date never!"
* "Is that a guy friend, like Mandy Patinkin?"
* "And now a prayer for the pregant members of our congeration...."
* "I found [this restaurant] on stopshowingoff-dot-com!"
* But a small part of Jack's confession: ""I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish ... and I may have sodomized our form Vice President."
* "Why do men build bridges? Why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight."
* "I need backup! Harvard [Divinity School] did not prepare me for this!"
* "Wow, [Michael McDonald] does not sound good live."
* "I'm so mad that I'm yelling at you in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo!"
* Jack, upon losing dibs on Elisa's bosom: "This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn."
* "The patron saint of judgemental statues." (I imagine if you're Catholic, this episode was a pissah!)
* "Now you will never see the crazy underwears I have on!"
* Waiter to solo Jack: "Is this like a Sixth Sense thing?"
* Drew's mom telling Liz that his sister is his mother. What will Liz do with this information?!
* "Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white?"
* "... my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt, right before it dies."
* Jennifer glancing at her watch after the non-chin discovery "Oh, look at the time. I have ... a thing." Then later boasting, "I'm pretty sure I'm hot."
This week on 30 Rock
, Liz and Dr. Baird, Jack and Elisa, and Kenneth and the prettiest, blindest girl ever went on strange Valentine's dates. Here now the recap!
So, Liz lands her date with Jon Hamm's Dr. Baird, only to have it take a cue from CBS' Worst Week when mishap after mortifying mishap befells our poor heroine. First, in the midst of what was touted as a "very interesting" story of how she was born on the Maryland-Pennsylvania border, Liz's boob ...