Back to Prison: Gimme a Break
Those last rites you heard coming from my place Monday night? That was me mourning what had become of the serialized thriller on the Fox network, after sitting through the silly finish of
Prison Break's sophomoric sophomore season and yet another hour of the sadly diminished
24. Honestly, there was more natural tension in
Dancing with the Stars last night (thanks, Heather Mills), and certainly more satisfying twists and turns during the various tangos and jives.
It was pretty clear that there was really only one place for
Prison Break to go after this endless season on the run, and that was back to prison, albeit this time a Panama hellhole that makes HBO's
Oz look like the wizard's own Emerald City. Gee, do you think Michael has a tattoo that can get him out of this fine mess? Among his fellow inmates (or at least also in captivity by episode's end): Mahone, framed with drugs planted on his purloined boat by the brothers; T-Bag, naturally; and the bellicose Bellick. In what I suppose is meant to be a satisfying reversal, now it will be up to the newly exonerated Lincoln to rescue his brother next season... with the help of Dr. Sara, whose sobs in the wake of shooting (finally!) the unctuous Mr. Kim made me wonder what show she had been sleeping through this year. "I took a man's life," she cried in Michael's arms, as if that wasn't par for the melodramatic course this season. I lost count in the final hour of how many people trained guns on each other. So tiresome. I played more coherent games of good-guy-versus-bad-guy in my backyard as a kid.
At a time when I hear endless griping regarding a show like
Lost because some "fans" feel the story doesn't advance quickly enough, a show like
Prison Break is a cautionary reminder of what happens when a show is about nothing but cartoonish story. Even the characters who were so promising at the start have been reduced to cardboard cutouts being maneuvered on a chessboard made of Swiss cheese. Yes, Michael and Sara still have the makings of a hot couple, and there was a moment after they reunited on the boat when I thought this could have made an OK ending for the series, if they'd just stopped then. But no. Fox has already squeezed all the sense out of this thin premise. Time to go back behind bars.
(Final loose ends: Can we please pray that's the last we've heard of poor Sucre and the ever-loving Mari-snooze? As for Kellerman, let's also light a candle that Paul Adelstein's role on the
Grey's Anatomy spin-off is a juicy one, and that after falling on his sword to save Sara, Kellerman really did meet his maker with a smile on his face. Naturally, the show left his execution in the police transport vehicle ambiguous, making us believe he died. Unless he didn't. Hack cliff-hanger writing 101.)
At least with
Prison Break, my expectations were low. With
24, I still find myself hoping for the best each week and then shaking my head with disbelief by the time it's over. It's such an unusual feeling for someone who once set his clock by
24. Now I find myself watching the clock, wishing it would hurry up and be over.
Once upon a time I might have been shocked to learn Gredenko would lop off his own arm to escape surveillance. But I've been living with a one-handed T-Bag all season. Big freaking deal. Two weeks in a row we get to see Doyle look like a bully at CTU (now stands for catatonic terrorist unit), but then turn out to be doing the stand-up thing. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, can't you think of anything better to do?
And how about that Wayne Palmer! I guess that was testosterone he was being injected with instead of adrenaline. Either that or some wacky hallucinogen. He orders the nuke strike that he risked his life and a Supreme Court hearing to cancel, all because Vice President McNasty called him weak? What is this, a schoolyard? "Prison Break II"? True, I didn't see that one coming. Because it's insane, a cheap and ludicrously insulting reversal that no doubt has the true President Palmer (David) rolling in his grave.
RIP, my Monday night thrill ride. Nice knowing you.
When does
Heroes return? (Facetious question. Actual date: April 23. I'll be there.)
