Critics' Notebook: Worst Show of the Century?

• Sep 24, 2008 05:22 PM ET
• by Matt Roush

Here we are at "hump night" of the first week of the official TV season. Or, given that NBC is giving us a line-up of the atrocious Knight Rider, the dishonestly monikered America's Got Talent and the turgid Lipstick Jungle, maybe we should rechristen Wednesdays "lump night."

With the exception of Bones (which tonight brings back the ill-fated Zack for an episode) and the return of CBS's hilarious The New Adventures of Old Christine on a new night, as well as Bravo's Project Runway for those still watching, there's not a lot to recommend on Wednesday. At least not until next week, when ABC (wasting tonight on another tiresome David Blaine stunt) brings back Pushing Daisies, Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money.

Well, there is one shocker tonight. The Criminal Minds season opener isn't half bad. (In part because it isn't about gratuitous mutilation or torture for a change.) Following on last season's explosive cliffhanger in which terrorists targeting New York rigged a bomb in one of the team's SUVs, the episode has a fair amount of suspense as the BAU deals with the fallout and tries to predict the terrorists' next move. It builds to a predictably preposterous finale, with one character chiding a hero who's risking his life, "Why does it always have to be you?" (Because it's CBS TV, that's why.) Still, generic escapism is more than I usually get from this show. And for a change, there's a reason the monotonal Thomas Gibson is walking around like a stiff. He's shell-shocked from the bomb blast. What's his excuse the rest of the year?

But unless you're a devotee of terrible acting, worse writing, cynically pandering nostalgia and spectacular bad taste, let me steer you away from the worst show I've seen in ages: NBC's inept reupholstering of the cheesy Knight Rider franchise. It's laughably awful except in those rare moments when it's trying to be funny, at which point it's just lame. To call the lead performances wooden is to risk being sued by the wood lobby. I kept expecting KITT to yawn. How bad is this show? It's even worse than I remember last winter's movie being. It's Sci Fi Flash Gordon bad.

I know this show is meant for the kiddies, and it's essentially a brainless bit of car-fetish nonsense, but the show also wants to deliver some T&A titillation and casual violence along the way, so I'm not really sure who this hunk of junk is designed for. It's just sad to see the new hero named Mike (bland, blank Justin Bruening) passing himself off as a spy in the beyond-cliched opening scene. Even worse is when he and sidekick Sarah (the tone-deaf Deanna Russo) are trapped in KITT after it's hit by a missile and catches on fire, requiring our heroes to strip down to their undies in the front seat. These dolts can't even sweat convincingly, and being pretty isn't justification enough.

Bionic Woman, all is almost forgiven.

But I will give the new Knight Rider credit for adding one of the all-time great bad-lines-in-TV-history to my notebook: "You have to get his thumb back at all costs."

Here's my thumb. Thumbs down.

A few other observations on what I've been able to keep up with on this very busy week:

Dancing With the Stars is a hoot again this season. (Although really, ABC, five hours the first week?) Tons of fun, as the judges are saying about the monstrously entertaining Warren Sapp. Cloris Leachman isn't a dancer, to put it kindly, but she's an 82-year-old riot. ("I'm older than the mambo. That's a strike to the heart.") Still, her confronting the judges was funnier the first night when it seemed spontaneous. That shtick could grow old fast (pun not intended). Early front runners: Brooke Burke (a stunner) and Derek Hough (a perfect partner). Next to go, I hope: reality-TV nobody Kim Kardashian and the wildly overcompensating Mark Ballas.

Kudos to NCIS for its season-opener fakeout. I'm not a big fan of season cliffhangers that get fans all freaked out by threatening to "change the show forever," when it's clear that won't be the case. But in this instance, I was fooled into thinking new boss Rocky Carroll was at least going to stay a bad-guy adversary. He's not. Reassigning and scattering the team was just a ploy to give Gibbs a chance to smoke out a mole in his new team. As the episode ended, the team was being reassembled, not aware that the actual double agent was still on the loose. (You could see that coming, but it was still rather satisfying. Lots more satisfying than Monday's ludicrous CSI: Miami opener.) I'm still more likely to watch House than NCIS most weeks, but as I watched last night, I kept thinking: The fans are going to love this episode. Unlike all those who are still disgruntled by the unnecessary tide shift over on House.

Very disappointed in this week's Fringe. Another creepy opening, as a villain sets off a gas attack on a crowded bus, freezing those trapped within in a suffocating cocoon "like mosquitoes trapped in amber." But I was never spellbound by anything that followed, including the motivation of this crime, or the introduction of a psychic pawn (a former test subject of Dr. Bishop back in the day) who taps into a "ghost network" of "pattern" attacks and disasters, including the ill-fated Hamburg flight. Maybe it's residual post-Emmy and premiere-week exhaustion setting in early, but I felt much of the episode fell flat. And while I was an early champion of Anna Torv, she seemed more washed-out than usual this episode. Isn't she supposed to be our eyes and ears in this world of science experiments gone wrong, fueling the narrative? Instead, she's still moping over Mark Valley (glimpsed again at the end of the episode), causing even the stern Lance Reddick to chide her for being too dour. ("Do you ever smile?") She needs to lighten up, or have a fire lit under her. I'm willing to grant ambitious shows like this an off episode here and there, especially in its formative first season, but I didn't expect it to stumble this soon.

Here's another plug for The New Adventures of Old Christine. CBS is treating the show badly as usual, asking it to launch a new hour comedy block with no protection or lead-in. Thankfully, the season opener is a winner, relying on one of the show's best assets: the buddy-comedy chemistry of Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Wanda Sykes, who plan a "friendship marriage" to keep the divorced Barb from being deported back to the Bahamas (which Christine naturally thinks is part of the USA). Best moment: Christine whining at the thought of Barb leaving, "What would happen to Lucy if they shipped Ethel back to the Bahamas?" To which Barb retorts: "Why am I Ethel?" (Setting up a running gag: "Don't make me say it.") Great work as well from Clark Gregg as Christine's ex, haplessly trying to woo New Christine (the understated Emily Rutherfurd) into accepting his own wedding proposal, and Hamish Linklater as Christine's brother Matthew, who observes her crazy ways with wry, caustic asides.

One last note about CBS comedies: How great was Monday's How I Met Your Mother opener? Barney's crush on Robin makes for terrific character comedy. Neil Patrick Harris cracked me up when he choked trying to leave Robin a voice-mail message. ("You left a voice, but it wasn't male.") The oblivious Robin, meanwhile, is acting more dude than damsel, serving as his wingman. In other relationship news, Sarah Chalke is fitting in beautifully as Ted's intended, Stella. Loved the subplot of Ted testing her reaction to Star Wars as a gauge of their compatibility. (I could relate. I've had at least one experience where a date's bad reaction to something I loved became a deal-breaker. Wasn't as funny then.) How sweet that she would vow to pretend to love Star Wars for as long as they both shall live.

But this 8 pm/ET Monday logjam is only going to get worse. I've seen the first few episodes of NBC's delightful Chuck, and they're a blast (sometimes literally). I'm thrilled that NBC has already given Chuck a full-season renewal, but how long will the network squander its potential in this overcrowded, too-early time period? My solution, putting on my amateur programmer hat: Move it to Wednesdays. Should Knight Rider bomb, if there's any justice, put Deal Or No Deal at 8/7c, followed by Chuck, followed by the return of Law & Order, which should never have been kicked out by something as feeble as Lipstick Jungle. That would be one solid night of programming instead of the current train wreck. Chuck at 9/8c would put it against a much weaker array of choices: Private Practice, Criminal Minds, Fox's so-called comedies and the CW's upcoming Stylista. Anything to give Chuck a better shot at the wider audience this charming spy spoof deserves.