Sam Huntington in Cavemen by Mitch Haddad/ABC
The evolution of comedy on ABC is not a pretty one, from the heights not so long ago of Roseanne to the absolute prehistoric depths of Cavemen, which premiered Tuesday night without benefit of sending a finished preview episode to critics. For good reason, clearly. We thought the original pilot we saw in May was lousy, but that was nothing compared to the woolly mammoth stinker that aired Tuesday. I didn't crack a smile, bark a single laugh, even grunt a symbolic "ugh." I think time may actually have stood still for a few seconds, somewhere between the scene where a caveman ordered a tall soy macchiato and cranberry biscotti after sneering at "pretentious poseurs" at the mall and the bit where, on the squash court, the hairy guys discussed how their sexual prowess made them "forbidden fruit" to female "sapes."

Forget ugh. How about ick?

Pairing this instant loser with the whining-male flat tire known as Carpoolers made for what may have been the single unfunniest hour of so-called TV comedy in my professional memory. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would think this was all an insidious plot to make us miss Jim Belushi and welcome his insipid According to Jim back to the air with uncharacteristic enthusiasm, as soon as it's called back to duty, no doubt very soon, to replace one of these unholy turkeys. Compared to these shows, Jim's a gem.