Since so many of you are writing in against reality, howsabout a deal? I'll give you just the facts and you back off with the threats. Sound good?America's Next Top Model8:06 Eva shows her own true colors by bashing Kelle for being "too white."8:10 Ann cries on the bumpy ride to the Jamaican bikini shoot.8:25 Models eat! Bikini shoots must be hard.8:30 Magdalena is cut. Ann cries.8:36 "Tough titty," says Toccara after Ann cries over not being able to room with Eva in their amazing Waldorf playpen. We love Toccara.8:38 Ann cries that she wants Eva to win "more than I want to win." Codependents everywhere cry along.8:50 Release the Janice Dickinson!8:56 Leah is cut. And I'm ticked!
So I'm finally sleeping through the night after seeing that plane-crash victim shredded by a turbine last week when this one goes and gets even freakier. A polar bear. On a tropical island. Huh. Didn't see that coming. Of course, it's best to ditch all expectations when dealing with J.J. Abrams. I mean, who saw Alias becoming a Greek tragedy with security clearances? Or Felicity being thirtysomething for the coed set? Or that Kate was the prisoner in federal custody? Lord knows what else Abrams has up his sleeve, but as long as he keeps doling out the creepy craziness, I'm in. The second Ricardo Montalban and a volleyball named Wilson wash up, though, we got a problem.
OK, this one's easy. Byron moved into Ladies' Villa, put the girls to work decorating his room, had a lunch date with "actress" Kelly, took Jayne fishing and came home to notes from Kristie with the rough voice and Krysta with the rougher face, who upped her toxic levels by trashing crybaby Andrea for making Byron a sandwich. Meanwhile, Leina hit the road because "her heart wasn't in it," everyone pretended to be sad, Andrea cried (of course) and Susie wore what looked like mercury as an eye shadow to the Rose Ceremony, where anyone under 25 started doing the math once Byron kept 37-year-old Jayne around, until he also chose Krysta, at which point they stopped adding and started plotting murder. Wende, Ashley, Kelly and Natalie got the boot, Chris Harrison told them to say their goodbyes and Bachelor addict John H. from Bryn Mawr, Pa., heaved a sigh of relief that he skipped the gym to avoid missing a minute of it all.
9:07 Bill Rancic in the hizzy!
9:08 The teams are ordered to open a restaurant within 36 hours and score the highest Zagat's rating to avoid the boardroom.
9:09 Somewhere, Rocco DiSpirito eyes up his medicine cabinet.
9:20 Apex Project Manager and unrelenting hag Jennifer C. needles Stacy R. over the imminent failure of their Asian-fusion eatery.
9:29 Mosaic's salad is deemed "limp" by four gay diners.
9:30 Hot John flirts with said gay diners to put them in a better mood.
9:36 Mosaic wins, 61 to 57. Off to meet Rudy Guiliani!
9:45 Carolyn shuts up borderline anti-Semite Jennifer C.'s attacks on victims Elizabeth and Stacy R.: "I'm ashamed to be a businesswoman." We love Carolyn as much as Toccara.
9:52 Trump drops a house on Jennifer C. Stacy R. and her fellow munchkins rejoice.
Hello, daddy! First off, let's all agree that Taye Diggs has obviously cut a deal with Satan to get those looks. Damn, man! Secondly, this "inherit a child" trend, as contrived as it is, works more here than, say, Summerland. At least this guy is a slick lawyer with a phat-back pad and enough dough to keep him in Cavalli, not some flaky fashion designer surrounded by hyperglandular roomies (not that it doesn't have its benefits, holla!). Anyway, for a first episode, this was great. Even if the male baby-sitter's skills with the kid is a supergay cliché and Kevin's sex-assault case for his new firm was more Kobe than David E. Kelley, big props go to any show that a) features half the tunes in my iPod and b) casts ER vet Michael Michelle as an attorney with guts, killer gams and great chemistry with Diggs. Glad to see you upgraded from that bitter Benton, girl!
With all the yammering about Fox's Trading Spouses being a huge rip-off of this Brit-inspired series, I imagined more ugly flash and maybe some infidelity. Instead, I welled up as backwoodsy Lynn figured out that uppity heiress Jodi lived in a world where kids come last. What the hell is "me time"? I'm sorry, but growing up, my mom was all about being around for her boys, not leaving us to three nannies so we didn't get in the way of her blow-outs, day spas and Pilates. God bless Lynn for showing those Spolansky kids what a real mother is. The only example they had until now was Pops and then we're talking about a totally different sort of mutha, you know?
Speaking of moms, mine was the best. And she totally would have been into this show, not to mention the whole idea of The Watercooler. Unfortunately, she didn't get to see either. So you'll have to forgive me, but I had to stop watching once Tommy learned his mother had died of a heart attack. A little too tough to watch still, you know? I'll be back next week. Promise.