Whoopi
Whoopi Goldberg scolding her TV brother for dating a white girl who acts ghettolicious: "If it's all about ass, lips and attitude, what's wrong with a real sistah?" Tell it like it is, baby! But what's up with the chain-smoking, Whoopster? I'm just wondering which will come first: An Emmy nomination or emphysema?

Performing As...
Wow! When did E! refugee Todd Newton get so heavy? And you know things are bad when hosting glorified karaoke on Fox represents a step up in your career. Okay, but I'm loving this show, I admit it. While most average Joes only get to sing like their fave pop stars in the car or the shower, these folks get to live the fantasy on TV! I'm so beyond envious of that black chick who got to be Annie Lennox. And Garth Brooks wannabe Lenny Hirsh was surprisingly good! Hey, maybe this show can be Paula Abdul's next gig. She can impersonate her '80s self, back when she still had a career. By the way, Paula finally gets her very own E! True Hollywood Story on Sunday night. You better believe I'll be tuned in to that.

The O.C.
We come back from commercials. A camera pans in — closer and teasingly closer — on bare-chested "brothers" Ryan and Seth, lounging side-by-side in the pool. How homoerotic! Who knew a raging heterosexual like McG could direct such a perfect Bravo moment. Is this a bid to get the gays watching or what? And love the Melrose Place-style bed hopping! Posh Spice lookalike Marissa catches Ryan in bed with his grandpa's slutty twentysomething girlfriend. Naturally, she runs off to have revenge sex with Ken doll Luke. And loses her virginity like a bad habit in the process. Perfect. Just one problem: Peter Gallagher needs an eyebrow wax bad.

The Mullets
I tune in, see those "business up front, party in the back" hairdos, and I'm confused. Hey, isn't this that Pax show with Billy Ray Cyrus? Oh no, wait, this is UPN, a different network that nobody's watching. Anyway, I'm clicking back to The O.C. I say leave the "hair acting" to soap operas, where they know how to do it right.

All of Us
I know I'm supposed to care about this sitcom because Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are producing. I don't. I'm bored. Call me when we'll be seeing stars in front of the camera.

Happy Family
Christine Baranski and John Larroquette alternately brood and shriek about their grown slacker kids. I'm bored again. Ya know, not every kid who was born after Tom Brokaw's so-called "Greatest Generation" ends up an ambitionless loser.

Nip/Tuck
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a repeat. (Ew! Watching that dude from Long Island get his back waxed once was enough.) So I click over to FX to try Nip/Tuck. Oooh! Charmed demon Julian McMahon playing a sex addicted plastic surgeon? I'm sold. My male and female friends alike are raving about this guy. No wonder! He's delicious raising hell on this randy raunch-o-rama. But how sad to see Joely Richardson — Vanessa Redgrave's daughter, for godsakes — relegated to doing such a trashy show! And about Joely's TV son, John Hensley: Brrring! Hel-lo? Peter Gallagher's on the line. He wants his eyebrows back.