Welcome to a night in my TV-watching life.

7:30 PM: Family Plots
Remind me never to die in San Diego. I just finished watching a preview tape of tonight's Family Plots episode. It's a new show on A&E about three sisters and a dad who work at the Poway-Bernardo Mortuary. And, yeah. It taught me a little more than I need to know about the realities of working at a funeral home. I mean, I don't want to know that embalmers occasionally have to do a rush job on people. Nor do I want to know that they use wax on dearly departed faces, "forget" folks' funerals or have to tape some body parts to keep them from oozing. Yuck.

8 PM: Bernie Mac
I'd like to be watching my man Bernie. Right. Now. But I can't because the thousandth American Idol special is on. Like Bernie, I say, "America, can't a woman get some peace and quiet to watch her show?" Tonight, apparently not.

8:18 PM: American Idol Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented
That Paula Fuga girl really does have a sweet voice. And her song is pretty good. It's a shame Simon and co. couldn't get past her hard-to-market image to move her on to the next level of competition back when she auditioned in Hawaii. I mean, they let that Jon Peter Lewis go on — and he couldn't sing. For goodness sake, they should have given a big ukulele-playing girl a chance.

8:45 PM: "I'm struggling with, pretty much, most of the things I do in my life," William Hung says. And what's worse than identifying with Mr. You-Know-Something's-Wrong-With-That-Boy's true words? Watching four professional dancers gyrate around him as he sings. Or, even worse, watching him sing a ballad! Somebody please make it stop.

8:58 PM: The Phone Rings
It's a friend from work.
Friend: I know you're about to watch The Swan...
Me: Actually, I'm going to tape it.
Friend: But did you just see William Hung? Girl, he had backup dancers.
Me: I know.
Friend: Back. Up. Dancers!

9 PM: Las Vegas
Let's see. Everybody Loves Raymond vs. Las Vegas... Ray Romano in Queens vs. Josh Duhamel in Sin City. I know. I know. Raymond's technically a much better show. But — hey, look! — there's Christian Kane, aka the evil lawyer guy from Angel. They sacrificed Gunn to get him out of a weird sort of hell last Wednesday. So I kinda gotta watch this. I mean, Kane's moonlighting already. Angel's not even off the air yet. Talk about disloyal.

About 9:18 PM: So, Nessa says, "We're sleeping together and all I know is you're Bob the Floater." Nessa, girl, you need to slow your roll. I mean, you'd think a casino-security expert would have enough common sense to at least get a man's last name before she hops into the bed with him. Come on, now.

9:28 PM: OK. I am officially an RVW: Repentant Vegas Watcher. After hearing screams, Big Ed just busted into Nessa's room to "save" her from the crazy floater guy (Kane). And, of course, the screams where coming from a horror film on TV. I saw that one coming a mile away. This is getting thinner by the minute. I should have watched Raymond.

9:30PM: Two and a Half Men
Their new intro is cute! And a little creepy. I really don't need to see Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer's heads this big.

9:40 PM: But I do love me some Ducky. Even though he's starting to look his age. OK, girl, focus.

9:45 PM: So 11-year-old Jake's depressed. He sits in his room playing those same three chords (what is that song?!) all day. Doesn't eat. And generally doesn't seem to care about anything nor does he want to be bothered with anyone. Poor kid. On top of that, all the adults in his life — including that $175-an-hour child-psychologist quack — keep dumping their issues on him during their fruitless attempts to find out "what's wrong."

9:58 PM And, of course the boy was just constipated. Of course. Nobody ever listens to the maid.

10 to 11 PM: The Restaurant Alright, I've got a confession. I did not watch a single episode of this show last season. I mean, I just didn't care. I kinda don't care now. But I'm watching and I'll share a few thoughts with y'all.1. Vocab of the night: Restaurant Therapy Rocco defines this as a sort of rebirth that some people (meaning his mother) experience when working in the food industry.2. Talk about inappropriate optimism. "Well, at least you have your own little room," an almost-waitress tells a new employee who shows up for work on her first day and finds out she's been hired to be the new coat-check girl — even though she'd interviewed for the hostess position.3. Hey Rocco, do me a favor. Unless you're talking about a phone, try not using the phrase "off the hook." Ever.4. Oh, I feel for Tony. He's the head chef, he basically runs things while Rocco's off promoting his food-porn book and, yet, he gets treated like crap. The fact that he didn't go off on Rocco when he a) turned him into some sort of lackey assistant for the visiting Italian chef and b) called him up spoke to him like a child is a testament to his character. That's a strong man for you.5. Is Rocco crazy? I mean, I didn't see last season so I don't know. But I think spending $9000 for 5000 business cards is an obvious no-no. And I don't know jack about the restaurant business. Nor do I think I like this co-owner Jeffrey guy. But I do know that spending $1.80 per card is wrong. I mean, dang.6. Oh, and, note to self: The next time you go to one of those overpriced restaurants, definitely pick up one of those cards. Apparently that's where they give you a little of your money back.7. Who is Intern Drew's dad? 'Cause that cocky snot has the hook up. He's not even a full-fledged exec and he's already putting his two cents into what Rocco's supposed to be doing and he's going to be "observing" the restaurant's operations. Whoa. If he can serve Rocco that much humble pie, his daddy must be something special.8. OK. I feel kinda bad for a boy now. That last shot of Rocco cowering upstairs while The Suits met at his restaurant to discuss policy with his employees on his birthday was brutal.

11 PM: The Swan (on tape)
Yea, Tawnya, for standing up to the doc squad! From the way things looked in the first two episodes, I thought that by signing on to this show the participants basically gave their surgeons carte blanche to do what they want with them. But this woman — who has had it rough lately — proved me wrong. Not only did she say no to an extensive nose job, she nixed the face-lift. And the doctor was pissed. But, you know what, she was right. She still looked good without it! Of course they couldn't choose her for the "beauty pageant," though. But so what. She got a free nose job and extensive liposuction out of the deal. After that, who gives a crap about some stupid pageant?

Boo, Dr. Randall Hayworth. That man's so full of himself, it's not even funny. The way he talked about the "grueling," "very rarely performed" and "difficult" work he was going to do on Cindy's "witch nose," you'd think he was going to pull off a miracle. When, in the end, all he did was take it down a notch. A little notch at that. I think the huge implants they stuck in her cheeks actually did more to lessen the witchy-ness of the nose than his reshaping. But what do I know? I have a cute little nose that needs no retouching.