What Not to Wear
Alright. I think I got it. Don't wear baggy all-black ensembles. (It's not as slimming as you think.) Do wear fitted/tailored mostly black ensembles that include a splash of color (like a blue tank or accessories) to "pop." That took me all of two minutes to get. So why did it take that crabby New York attorney a whole episode? Shoot. Stacey and Clinton need to give me $5000 to buy new clothes. OK?

E! True Hollywood Story: Trust Fund Babies
Sure Holly Branson, Ivanka Trump, Casey Johnson and Athina Onassis Roussel stand to inherit more money than any young person should have, but are they really happy? Hmmm.

The One That Got Away
Well, lookahere. NBC has unveiled yet another reality dating show. This time it's a two-hour special about Skip Kress, a bartender and "consultant" from North Carolina who, having decided he's ready to settle down, decides to get seven of his good-looking ex-girlfriends and crushes together to pick from. Ah, quit groaning. Just be glad that this show was on NBC and not Fox. Because Fox would have stretched it out over five episodes. And two hours was more than Skip needed. But anyway...

Lessons Learned from The One That Got Away:

1. Slap 'em with a smile. Cut 'em with a compliment. Before he adios-ed four women in the first elimination round, Skip praised each of them like a beauty queen. It was almost unfair. He told his childhood sweetheart, Mallory, that she was his "pride and joy" and asked her to "please just tell me that you love me as much as I care about you" before dismissing her. What?!

2. Challenge him. But not too much. I believe Skip kept the bossy Erin around to the end because she expected more from him. It scared him a little bit, yes. But it also titillated him. Stay with me here for a minute. Of all his exes, Erin was the only one who asked Skip to move to a new city for her and to be more than just a bartender. The other women were like, 'You're an underachiever. That's OK.'

3. Don't be too easy. In regards to his flirtatious behavior, Skip's co-worker Amy let him off the hook, saying, "You're a man. What man hasn't done what you've done?" Riiiiight. Amy said exactly what Skip wanted to hear. Then he didn't need her anymore. So, of course, she was eliminated. In contrast, Grouchy Grace was the only one who argued with him, was aloof and brutally honest. She also had a wicked jealous streak. (But that's another story.) "I'm not good with kids," she said after the self-proclaimed family man forced his nephew on her. And still he chose her. Go figure.

The MasterCard Commercial
Badger made it home! Good boy.

George Lopez: Why You Crying?
From weepy drunken love confessions to issues with mistaken identity, George Lopez puts it all out there. And he made me laugh. "I can be mistaken for a valet by a white man," George said. "But when Latino people think you don't have s---, that hurts." After a somber Memorial Day, I needed this. But, let me tell you, I feel guilty laughing sometimes. Like whenever he cracked very un-PC jokes about Mexican-Americans as a group. I'd laugh but then look around like, is it OK for me to laugh? Do white people feel like that when they watch Comic View? (Again I say, Hmmmm.)

Insomniac with Dave Attell
How much longer 'til this guy drinks himself to death? Seriously. I didn't think Dave Attell was going to survive his White Night in Alaska last season. And I'm pretty sure he needed medical attention after his trip to Ireland. But now he's doing Rio during Carnival — a place where peddlers sell shots on the streets and you can drink and smoke on the public tram. That's just wrong. And freaking hilarious. "This ain't the States. You've got to date 'em first," an already drunk Dave told his this guy who asked a drag queen if he could touch his very realistic breasts. And he was just getting started. At a capoiera demonstration he snapped, "It's a dance-off. You got served, b----!" Maybe it doesn't read as funny as it was. But, believe me, it was hi-to-the-larious. Sadly, this will be Dave's last season. But that's a good call. In his first night in Rio, this man downed — and, yes, I counted — at least four shots, 11 beers and five fruity drinks (including two caipirinhas — Brazil's national drink). Plus he smoked five cigarettes and balanced it out with one filet mignon and pineapple sandwich. This man must have a liver made of steel! Here's a public plea to Attell's friends (or the cameraman, "Brian"): Please, pull a Dave Attell intervention. The time is now. (Actually, the time was two seasons ago. But you get my drift.)

Threesome
You know how you see a movie but don't really see it? Well, I'm pretty sure I saw this movie. In fact, I remember me and my friend Linda talking about how risqu&#233 it was for a mainstream B flick. (Hey, we were sheltered and it was the early, pre-Will & Grace '90s.) But I don't remember Lara Flynn Boyle. But there she is... and whoa. With Stephen "the Goober" Baldwin. Now there's one of those Six Degrees of Separation.