What Not to Wear
Alright, I love this makeover show, but I'm a little torn. Tonight's fashion victim, Michele, gets a $5000 spending spree and a satchel full of Sephora because she's hooked on overall shorts and decorative denim shirts? Please. That should be remedied with public flogging, not shopping. How 'bout those of us who get a rash from just knowing that there's such a thing as Disney-store couture? Where's our trip to Dolce & Gabbana, huh? Anyway, miracle workers Clinton and Stacy rocked as usual, turning the little miss from a rat-haired scrunchie-sporting '80s mess into a cashmere-crazed clothes horse in under an hour and we all ended up better people. Or at least better equipped to pick out slim-cut jeans. Which may seem shallow in some cultures, but most of them probably worship parachute pants and Capezio jazz shoes, so who cares, right?

The Next Action Star
So I thought this one would lose steam once crazy Viviana was out of the running, but something just got really hot in herrre. And it's called Jared. I swear, between his love-scene screen test with Jeanne and off-camera canoodling with Melisande, I thought I was watching Skinemax. Without the shame. Much like House, who seemed to care less that the cameras caught him leering at Corinne and Sean's steamy performance. Dude, check yourself. Poor girl had a hard enough time coping with the sex stuff. She don't need you sitting there like you paid a cover charge, OK?

100 Hottest Hotties
Gisele? Check. Gwen Stefani? Sure. Jude Law? My roommate just went sterile. But Nicole Kidman? Sorry guys, Tom's ex may have smoked back in the Moulin Rouge days, but she needs to step away from the Botox. Her eyebrows are starting to give me nightmares.

The High Price of Fame
I'm sorry. I have no pity for reality-show stars crying over their loss of privacy. You went on TV! What did you expect? You're why God invented InTouch magazine, folks! Granted, I could do without the intimate knowledge of Paris Hilton's bendiness and the daily Omarosa overdose we got a few months back, but it's far more fun to mock these insta-celebs than real stars. I mean, yes her eyebrows are scary, but it hurts me to tease Nicole Kidman. She's good people. And an Oscar winner. But bashing Brandon from Blow Out? That's got healing powers, trust me.

Drew Carey
How ironic is this? While his fellow reality nobodies are crying a river over on The High Price of Fame, Reichen Lehmkuhl is actually cashing in on his Amazing Race win with a guest spot as a bike messenger. So what if it's all about Mimi ogling his killer Lycra-clad body. It's still a job. And a step up from his stint as a waiter on The Young and the Restless. Beats listening to him bitch about strangers approaching him on the street. Which, from the looks of this guy, was probably happening way before he ever scored a million dollars. We hate him.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
What, are the TV gods trying to tell us something? Nick's upset over his raunchy calls from a stranger, a photographer is trailing Jess into a T-Mobile store, fans are interrupting their dinners. If they'd been watching The High Price of Fame instead of catering to freeloader CaCee, the Lacheys would know that this comes with the territory. I mean, hell, we here at The Watercooler are far from the emotional exhibitionists in that house and even we get the occasional nasty reader e-mail. You don't see us whining. By the way, that's not a dare to try and make us, kids, OK? Keep 'em loving.

The Ultimate Love Test
OK, I was all ready to trash Frank for wussing out on the bungee-jump dare that would have won him 10 minutes with Heather, until Diego went and lost it over seeing Amber. But then I realized that Roy was standing right there when the waterworks started. Smart move, playing the emotional card like that and slipping her some poetry in the gum wrapper. She is so yours. Right after she's done being Roy's down in Cabo, that is. Sorry about that, bud. As for Carolyn ripping Jayre for the Jell-O shot hoochiefest, I say, you go girl. And while you're at it, go get yourself a better man than that Dwayne Wayne-looking loser. Maybe Frank. Looks like he's going to be single soon.