Warning: The writer of this column is a lightweight who's unaccustomed to caffeine. Having slurped down a delicious Starbuck's caramel frappucino after work, he's very, very wired this evening. It was only a tall frap, but it feels like a venti. Do not be alarmed by his mad outbursts and sudden mood swings. Just sit back and enjoy 'em.

Navy NCISMark Harmon, you so fine! You so fine, you blow my mind! Hey, Harmon! Yeah, yeah! Hey, Harmon!

Sorry, I said I was over-caffeinated. Still, the former Sexiest Man Alive makes gray hair look good. Harmon may have a few decades on costar Michael Weatherly, but that thirtysomething pup has nothin' on my silver fox. Now, as for tonight's episode, it's another convoluted NCIS plot I can't be bothered to follow. I'm too focused on baking up Ore Ida crinkly fries without burning them. (These are the problems of a bachelor with the munchies.) Anyway, Sherilyn Fenn from Twin Peaks is guest-starring as an amnesiac. Maybe it's because I'm a soap fan, but I'm so over memory-impaired characters saying things like, "Who am I? How do I know I like blueberries, but I don't know my own name?" Whine, whine, whine. Just shush up and make out with Harmon already, Sherilyn.

WhoopiWhoopi's social issue of the week: The case for ailing seniors to use medical marijuana. And this Tuesday night's best quote comes from Rue McClanahan, apparently channeling her randy character from The Golden Girls. "When I smoke pot," she says, "it gets me sexy, and I need room to express myself... Uh, what was I saying?" Except for her lack of a Southern accent, that dizzy, overheated moment was classic Blanche Devereaux. I miss her!

I'm With Her Well, here's a surprise. That porcine Bachelor Bob Guiney is hamming it up on a so-so ABC sitcom. Like he could get acting work anyplace else! This episode is about Patrick's high school reunion. Natch, Bob — playing himself — gets shoehorned into the action as a former classmate. Asked if he's married yet, Bob goes, "Nah, you know how hard it is to find the right girl." Groan. Sounds like a rather unclassy reference to him dumping Estella.

I want to say I clicked away right after that, but no. Somehow, I stayed tuned right up until Mr. Piggy's final, obligatory kissy scene. I feel so dirty. How did this happen? Lemme try to explain. You know how sometimes you accidentally get lulled into Sitcom Stupor? That's the syndrome where you don't really like what you're watching, but ya just sit there, sandwich in hand. You were meaning to change the channel, but you zone out and just watch mindlessly instead. Then, the credits suddenly roll and you snap out of the spell, feeling used and foolish. TV is an insidious bitch goddess, my friends. And yet, she pays my bills and numbs my tired brain with silly distractions. So perhaps it is I who am the bitch, after all. A sobering thought.

Never mind, I'm just coming down off the caramel frappucino high. I'll be alright.

24 Cool twists like this keep me coming back to 24 week after week...

1. Whoa, Nina Myers is back! That wrongheaded wench from Season 1 killed Jack Bauer's wife, Teri. She's also Jack's surprise rival buyer for the deadly virus. God, I hope he finally gets to shoot her soon.2. The Salazar drug lords are torturing poor, hunky Chase. Oooh, that's gotta hurt.3. Jack's making out with Hector's girlfriend, Claudia. The plumpness of actress Vanessa Ferlito's lips rivals that of Angelina Jolie's. So luscious, yet freaky. Hmmm...

The Real World: San Diego How can this show be on its 14th season already? Makes this Gen-Xer feel old. Honestly, maybe a little too old to still care about seven trashy youngsters binge drinking and slutting around in hot tubs. Haven't we "been there, done that"? Yeah, Brad's an Italian-American hottie. Yeah, Cameran's a sexy Southern belle. (Having a pretentiously cute or oddly spelled name seems to be a prerequisite for most Real World cast members.) And yeah, Frankie's the likable one with a disease, so we're supposed to feel sorry for her and get invested in her life. You know what? It's not gonna happen. I got my fill of emotional manipulation at home over the holidays. Click.

Line of Fire Mob boss Jonah sinks to an icky new low, offering his wife's 21-year-old cousin Tiffany a job in his house of ill repute. That's bad, even for a mafioso. Tony Soprano shows more respect for his female relatives! That aside, thanks very much for the gratuitous shot of Anson Mount shirtless. Nice. Oh, and former Popular girl Leslie Bibb looks kinda Jennifer Garner-ish beating on that punching bag. I'm impressed. I'm also having an attack of self-esteem issues, since this girl has more muscles than I do. Maybe this boy should've used up his caffeine rush at the gym tonight, instead of watching TV!