Our top moments of the week:
10. Best Impression: We're just going to pretend Zach's ridiculous gameplay this week on Big Brother is his impersonation of the recently evicted Devin. How else to explain his awful moves once he gets a slight taste of power as HOH? The highlight of Zach's stupidity comes at the nomination ceremony, where he compares alliance member Christine to notorious Season 14 floater Jenn and calls Nicole a "fruit loop dingus." Sure, it makes for good TV, but, considering both of his nominees won back their safety during the Battle of the Block, we won't be surprised at all if Zach follows Devin out the door in a few weeks.
9. Best Cool Dad: This just in: Allison Williams will play Peter Pan in NBC's live productionlater this year. And like any proud dad, Brian Williams couldn't help but talk about it — in the most meta way possible. Reporting on the musical's casting on NBC Nightly News, the part-time rapper reads off the news like any other story, before closing with a photo of toddler Allison in a Peter Pan costume. "Family members confirm she's been rehearsing for this role since the age of 3, and they look forward to seeing her fly," he says. It's unclear if her flying at 3 was "dynamic" as well.
8. Best Trolling: For just $9.95 per month, you can subscribe to Sarah Palin's new online network, which, according to Stephen Colbert, is "a safe space where like-minded folks can hear things they already agree with from someone whose opinion they already know." If that's not your speed, for $9.94 per month, you can head on over to Colbert's new virtual endeavor, Stephen Colbert's Angry Echo Chamber, which he unveils during his hilarious send-up of Palin on The Colbert Report. There, he'll discuss the issues of the day and night (like "where did the sun go?"), and you can watch him make and eat a BLT. Go check out Stephen Colbert's Angry Echo Chamber now at... TheSarahPalinChannel.com. Yes, that is real and spectacular — and free!
7. Worst Fight: Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber weren't the only ones to brawl over a woman this week. After Rachel tells Mike that she kissed Logan on Suits, Mike heads over to his apartment, where, unlike Bloom's almost-punch, his fists meets Logan's face multiple times. But then Logan hits him where it really hurts and tells Mike that the kiss lasted for a long time and, contrary to Rachel's claim, did mean something. "She didn't just like it," he says. "She loved it." Cold, man, cold. That's the final straw for Mike, who splits with Rachel the next day and later moves out. Well, this won't be awkward now that Mike's back at Pearson Specter!
6. Worst Pep Talk: After Guilty Remnant member Gladys is stoned to death on The Leftovers, G.R. leader Patti takes Laurie on a road trip. Although Laurie refuses Patti's invitation to speak again for one day only, Patti gives her an earful, comparing Laurie's recent struggle with the cult lifestyle to that of the now-dead Gladys. In fact, the more Patti speaks, the more her words of inspiration sound like a threat. "I understand that going back to [your family] feels comfortable and easy, because the alternative of what we do is very, very hard," she says. "But there can't be any doubt, Laurie, because doubt is fire. And fire's going to burn you up until you are but ash." So, it's no coincidence that somebody had Gladys' body mysteriously cremated, right?
5. Best Regulation: Jimmy Kimmel does what we've all been waiting for since President Warren G. Harding's "smutty f--- notes" to his mistress hit the Interwebs earlier this month: He enlists Warren G to
regulate read the dirty, breast-obsessed prose on his show. "Honestly, I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts," he recites with a straight face. "Wouldn't you like to get sopping wet out on Superior — not the lake — for the joy of fevered fondling and melting kisses?" Not really, but this does make this a little easier.
4. Best Dead Woman Walking: Surprise, surprise: There's a cure to Hep-V on True Blood! Of course the show wouldn't kill off all of its main characters before going off the air. Plenty will still die, but likely not Bill and Eric. But the real shocker is what form the antidote takes. Sarah Newlin, in her race to get away from the vampire internment camp after unleashing the Hep-V virus, actually drank the cure and is now the living, breathing antidote. Namaste, indeed.
3. Worst Sex(ual) Healing: Masters of Sex delivers a knockout (no pun intended) of an episode, crafted against the backdrop of the Yvon Durelle vs. Archie Moore boxing match. While Bill and Virginia's figurative and literal bout — during which they role-play and hash out their personal demons — is riveting, the episode's most haunting moment revolves around a newborn boy with ambiguous genitalia. Believing that his son is not a man without a penis, the father — against Bill's advice — orders a general practitioner who's never performed the surgery to "cut it off." The doc jams the helpless baby into an X-Ray tube (try not to wince) before reading out loud from a textbook mid-op with such brutal apathy that will sit with you for days. Unfortunately, Bill is too late to stop the life-changing surgery. "Better a tomboy than a sissy," the dad arrogantly sneers.
2. Worst TMI: The Bachelorette comes to an end with another happy engagement. But it's on "After the Final Rose" where things take quite the turn. After revealing that Nick had tried to contact Andi twice since she rejected him, Chris Harrison brings a shaky, nervous Nick on stage, where he sits in near silence. Once Andi comes out, things get more awkward when Nick confronts her about dumping him and, out of nowhere, asks, "Knowing how in love with you I was if you weren't in love with me, I'm just not sure why you made love with me?" As everyone gasps, Andi, for her part, handles it well, chastising him for hitting "below the belt." For once, what happened in the Fantasy Suite, doesn't stay in the Fantasy Suite!
1. Best Buzzkill: Sharknado 2: The Second One lives up to all its hype, proving to be one of the most ridiculous, campy and awesome TV movies of the year. And nothing tops the opening and closing scenes featuring April (Tara Reid). After getting her arm bitten off, Reid emerges from the hospital with a new prosthetic: a buzzsaw hand! (Don't ask, just go with it.) But if going Evil Dead wasn't enough, by the end of the movie, Finn (Ian Ziering) comes face-to-face with the shark that took her limb, reaches in, pulls out the engagement ring that was still on the finger, and re-proposes to April. If that's not true love, what is?
What were your top moments?