Our top moments of the week:
13. Hardest Problem: On the series premiere of NY Med, an unidentified male visiting New York City goes to the hospital after having an erection for 12 hours as the result of taking an erectile-dysfunction drug. The urologist explains that the only solution is to drain blood from his penis. "Have you done this before?" the man asks, before exclaiming, "We should YouTube this!" The real kicker? He comes in with a guy he had met the night before at a club.
12. The Lady Doth Protest Too Much Award: As Kanye West, at long last, makes his official Keeping Up with the Kardashians debut as Kim's new beau, Khloe worries that her sis is embarking on another whirlwind romance. But Kim insists that their relationship is not that serious... while wearing earrings bearing Kanye's initials. "I think Kim wants to believe that she can take things slow," Khloe says. "But let's keep it real — you're wearing 'K.W.' earrings. I know what that stands for."
11. Most Creative Last-Ditch Effort: Charlie, a fixture in the bottom three on The Glee Project, goes to great lengths to impress Ryan Murphy and the rest of the judges when he is on the chopping block again. During his performance of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual," Charlie not only delivers some great vocals, but he also changes the lyrics to "It's not unusual to say I could be on Glee" to really get his message across. The change gets props from Murphy & Co., but it's not enough to keep Charlie from getting the boot. Maybe it's time to start exploring that lyricist career path.
10. Best Interruption: As longtime master of the Real Housewives reunions, Andy Cohen has taken a lot of verbal (and a few physical) punches from the ladies over the years. However, Cohen and the Real Housewives of Orange County are taken by complete surprise when a bird that had been nesting at the top of the soundstage swoops in mid-interrogation and grazes his head before landing on a fruit basket. Bombs away!
9. Most Heartbreaking Exit: Following a week of fantasy dates on The Bachelorette, Emily tearfully eliminates Sean, leading to one of the franchise's saddest goodbyes. After sitting in silence, Emily tells him, "I wanted it to be you so bad." But it's Sean who breaks all of our hearts in his limo ride home. "Honestly, when she walked out tonight, I thought, 'That's my wife,'" he says. #SeanforBachelor
8. The Truth Hurts Award: Since Maura still hasn't told Hope on Rizzoli & Isles that she's her presumed-to-be-dead daughter, she decides to anonymously donate her kidney to her half-sister Kaylen, who is dying of a bacterial infection. To Maura's shock, Kaylen tells her that she knows who Maura is and that she doesn't want her kidney because she grew up in the shadow of a dead baby. Making matters worse, Hope arrives and Maura finally tells her the truth — and promptly gets rejected. "This is my daughter," Hope says, pointing to Kaylen. "I don't know who you are or what you want, but I've had as much as I can bear."
7. Worst Betrayal: On the season premiere of White Collar, Neal, using the alias James, pays a man, Henry Dobbs, to protect him from "the local government" on the island of Cape Verde. When Neal learns that a very determined FBI agent named Collins (Mekhi Phifer) has tracked him down, he asks Henry to help him get away. Too bad Henry is none-too-pleased to hear that Neal is being chased not by the local authorities, but by the FBI. Henry says he's cleaned up Neal's mess just as Collins comes out of the shadows pointing a gun at Neal's head. Is it too late to get a refund?
6. Best Performance: Less than a week after coming out in a poignant blog post about his first love, R&B singer Frank Ocean performs a stirring rendition of "Bad Religion" on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon — a song about the unrequited love of a man. Though Ocean, who released his new album Channel Orange this week, is backed by The Roots and a string section, the raw, stripped-down emotion is palpable. He finishes with his head down, before looking up and breaking into a big grin.
5. Silence Is Golden Award: The Newsroom introduces Jane Fonda as Atlantis World Media CEO Leona Lansing, and she's more than a little upset that "News Night" has begun taking aim at the same Tea Party congressional candidates with whom Leona has to do business. But rather than have Fonda dominate every scene she's in, co-writers Aaron Sorkin and Gideon Yago (yes, the guy from MTV) have Leona sit nearly silent through a long meeting before she explodes at news division chief Charlie Skinner, telling him an off-color parable about golfing with Jesus and Moses. She also threatens to fire Will if he doesn't end his "witch hunt." We really love this character in small doses; it leaves us wanting so much more.
4. Most Killer Twist: Damages' final season kicks off with its most provocative image yet. Ellen decides to take on Patty by representing Channing McClaren, an Internet mogul who Patty is suing after his Wikileaks-like website accidentally identified one of its confidential whistleblowers. But just as we settle in for a final courtroom catfight, the action cuts to a future date, on which we see Ellen lying lifeless and wide-eyed in a pool of blood, apparently the victim of a multi-story fall. Is Ellen really dead? We know Patty will do anything to win, but this seems excessive.
3. Most Explosive End: Jai asks Annie to meet him at a diner on Covert Affairs, where he tells her that he's unearthed some dirty deets on the CIA and wants her to come with him so he can tell her. Juicy! Too bad he never gets to do so when his car abruptly explodes after he starts it. Fortunately for Annie, she is saved by because she forgot her umbrella in the diner. Who killed Jai? We don't know yet, but we do know that his death is connected to Annie's new asset Simon: The diamond emblem on Jai's boxes of research is also tattooed on Simon's back.
2. Best Rant: Howie Mandel invokes the wrath of Howard Stern on America's Got Talent when he continues to praise Big Barry, a diminutive singer with a very bad voice, as a future money-making act. "You know, the Howie filibuster is getting annoying to me actually," Stern fumes. "I gotta tell you, Big Barry, this isn't about you. This is about Howie and how he treats the show. This is about the apology you owe ... to all the people who could have gotten through instead of Big Barry. You ruined their chance by doing this. It's your responsibility. There was nothing funny about it." Mandel maintains that Barry is a star in the making, and the two go at it through an entire commercial break. But it's the shock jock who gets the last word. "When I took the job, I took it seriously," he says. "If you're serious, you don't do that."
1. Gone Baby Gone Award: Dallas' Rebecca 'fesses up to what we all already saw coming from a mile (OK, like a million miles) away: She is done scheming against her husband, Christopher, to help her brother, Tommy, scam the Ewings. "You're right. I am in love with him," she tells her brother. "And I'm pregnant." But is she really pregnant with a Ewing heir? This is a soap after all.
What were your top moments?
Top Moments: Dallas' Bombshell, Covert Affairs' Death and Talent's Got a Feud
Our top moments of the week: