TV went big this week. Desperate Housewives' Katherine picked the worst possible moment for a heart-to-heart. Some Amazing Race contestants made a mistake of Biblical proportions. Breaking Bad made its play to be the best show on the air. And — as our noble leaders are duly elected to do — Vice President Joe Biden put everything in perspective. Welcome to Top Moments, Big F---ing Deal Edition.
12. Kill-Your-Chances Award: Challenged to kill or be killed as part of his spy training, the titular star of Chuck finds himself unable to take another's life. (This is Chuck we're talking about.) Casey steps in to carry out the killing, unbeknownst to anyone else, including Sarah. Has her belief that Chuck crossed the line destroyed any hopes of their being together?
11. Best Effort: During a night attack, The Pacific's John Basilone is a one-man Army as he repels the Japanese advances on a crucial U.S. airstrip. Not only does he gun down hundreds of enemy soldiers with his own machine gun, but he also fights hand-to-hand, repairs a fellow soldier's weapon, and runs right into the middle of the crossfire to move a pile of dead Japanese soldiers out of his men's line of sight. Oh, and he does it all with third-degree burns on his arm.
10. Best Branding: On 30 Rock, prolongued exposure to Kenneth (the always hilarious Jack McBrayer) causes Tracy and Jenna to have a series of "Kenmares" — disturbingly realistic and erotic dreams about everyone's favorite page. The storyline comes to a head as Kenneth's dream-self spreads, Freddy Krueger-like, to infiltrate Pete's dreams. He appears this time in jockey shorts with an NBC Peacock on the front and back — which Liz suggestively slaps. Do they sell these at the NBC gift store?
9. Most Not-So-Shocking Reveal: In a classic 24 twist, agent Dana Walsh is revealed to be a mole working in CTU to help terrorists get nuclear fuel rods into New York City. While the revelation makes sense of some of Walsh's more inane plots earlier this season, it doesn't exactly drop our jaws to the floor since, you know, there is always, almost definitely, a mole in CTU.
8. Best Cliff-Hanger: We're suckers for a juicy cliff-hanger, even when we know it's misleading us. On Castle, the first hour of a two-part mystery ends with Castle rushing to Beckett's apartment after figuring out that the serial killer who has been taunting them is still on the loose. Castle arrives just in time to see Beckett's entire place go up in flames. Hope that towel she was wearing is flame-retardant.
7. Making a Scene Award: Karen McCluskey celebrates her cancer remission by throwing a party on this week's Desperate Housewives. After making a speech about her recovery, she asks that all of her guests observe a moment of silence to remember those who weren't as lucky as her. Katherine picks this very instance to have it out on the front porch with her new female lover about how she doesn't want people to know about their new romance. Bad timing.
6. Most Disturbing History Lesson: Accuracy alert: Joan of Arc was a girl and didn't have a bunch of animals. On The Amazing Race, two teams confused Joan of Arc with Noah's Ark while searching for a statue of the French heroine. "Joan of Arc — he carried all the animals," Jordan says. "That was Noah," corrects her beau, Jeff. Minutes later, Caite tells her significant other, Brent, that one statue they've found "has the animals" and "Joan of Arc was a guy." He responds: "Joan of Arc is a girl. Why do you think her name is Joan?" Somewhere, a producer of Jaywalking weeps at all the lost opportunities. At least Jordan knows who Joan of Arc is now.
5. Worst Wake-Up Call: On the sneak-peek of ABC's Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, we learn why the obesity rate in America is higher than ever: Pizza for breakfast. As if chicken fingers and powdered mashed potatoes for lunch weren't bad enough, the children of a West Virginia school were actually served pizza upon arrival. The worst part? The meals followed USDA regulations, Oliver says.
4. Best Metaphor: As emotionally captivating as Nestor Carbonell's performance is in Lost's mythology-heavy episode, the real highlight is finally getting a clue about the island's purpose. Using a bottle of wine as his prop, Jacob explains to Ricardo that the wine symbolizes evil (aka, the Man in Black) and that the island is like the cork, keeping it from spreading to the rest of the world. Awesome. Equally impressive: The fact that Ricardo understood the symbolism, given his still-broken English.
3. Sexiest Dancing: We hope the kiddies were in bed by the time Pamela Anderson performed to close the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Her red-hot, suggestive cha-cha borders on wardrobe malfunction. "I can only think of sex, sex and more sex," Bruno Tonioli said. Tom Bergeron sums up many a male's response to Anderson: "I feel like I'm 12."
2. Worst Excuse: Has Breaking Bad quietly become the best show on television? The show's Season 3 premiere makes a good argument for yes. After indirectly causing a double-plane crash that killed 167 people, teacher-turned-meth dealer Walter White addresses a high school auditorium to advise everyone to "look on the bright side": "First of all, nobody on the ground was killed," he begins. "Plus, neither plane was full. ... What you're left with, casualty-wise, is just the 50th worst air disaster." The scene shows how frighteningly good Walt has become at compartmentalizing his guilt.
1. Most-Obvious-But-Still-Surprising Statement: Look, we love when politicians act like regular people. But it was still weird to hear Vice President Biden describe the new health care plan as "a big f---ing deal" on live TV. Yes, it is a big f---ing deal. But it just feels goofy to see reputable news organizations use comic book symbols ($?&*#!) when quoting the veep.