Our top moments of the week:
12. If the Shoe Fits... Award: Lady Gaga may have wept for Marko's contemporary routine during her guest-judging stint on So You Think You Can Dance, but in the end, she only has eyes for Melanie, who she loudly proclaims as her favorite — oh, and at whom she tosses her monster-sized platform shoe because that's apparently what dancers do, or at least what Gaga does. "I would hire you tomorrow to dance on my tour all around the world," Gaga says. If she does, bring a helmet, Melanie.
11. Worst Omen: Everyone knows the No. 1 rule of relationships is to never commemorate them with a tattoo. You'd think Kat Von D would know that. But no. The needle-artist extraordinaire inks a fifth-grade photo of then-fiancé Jesse James on her left side and surprises him with it on L.A. Ink. "You're crazy," a less-than-enthused James says. "I thought you were going to tell me that you were breaking up with me," she forebodingly jokes. Of course, they did split this week and Von D clearly does not want to talk about it. Can't say she didn't bring this on herself.
10. Worst Dirty Talk: On Switched at Birth, Daphne finds out that Regina knew for years that Daphne wasn't her biological child and drowns her sorrows with a classic combination of vices: booze and sex. A tipsy Daphne jumps into the backseat of Wilke's car and starts unbuttoning her blouse, but he makes the fatal error of bringing up the switch mid-kiss. Needless to say, it kills the mood. Poor dumb Wilke.
9. Most Idiotic Savant: In one of the more blatant cross-promotion attempts, Big Brother pimps new network-mate Same Name with a luxury competition in which the houseguests must figure out that Same Name's first celeb is David Hasselhoff based off a series of clues. The first set: three bars of soap and opera binoculars (meaning "soap opera" — Hasselhoff was on The Young and the Restless). While everyone's straining to think of soap stars, Jordan — she who can't tell time and thinks Joan of Arc is Noah's Ark — deduces that "bay" from the soaps and "watch" from the "opera sunglasses" means Baywatch. "Who's the guy who plays Mitch Buchannon on Baywatch?" she asks Jeff. "David Hasselhoff," he says. Frankly, the only thing more stupefying than how she figured out the answer is the fact that she knows him as Mitch Buchannon and not The Hoff.
8. Best Conundrum: We kind of knew that Henry Wilcox was Covert Affairs' leak, what with his testy relationship with the CIA, but we didn't expect him to blackmail his own son, Jai — with cigars, natch — to keep that intel on the DL, lest they both go down if word gets out. So will Jai comply with Dad and allow the leaks to continue, or will he rat him out and perhaps taint the legendary Wilcox name?
7. Best Breaking Point, Part I: Entourage super-agent Ari Gold has always been an emotional guy, but by "emotional" we mean "crazy and offensive." But when Vince's house burns down just hours after Ari learns his estranged wife is dating someone else, it's all too much for him to take: Ari actually cries. Of course, he claims that he has smoke in his eyes, but we know better. Don't worry, Ari, we won't tell Hollywood that you have a heart.
6. Best Hissy Fit: On Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian, newly diagnosed with psoriasis, worries about an upcoming commercial shoot. "It's not like a photo shoot where it can just be PhotoShopped," Kim screams at her mother, from whom she inherited the skin disease. "This is video. You cannot fix it." Um, have you ever heard of makeup? Or lighting? Or video-editing? "You can wear whatever you want to wear. I had this. I get it," Kris says. "No, you don't!" Kim cries, before kicking Kris out of her house. Exactly, Kim, nobody knows what this is like. Not your mom or the 125 million other people worldwide who have psoriasis. Of course, all ends well when she conceals the flaky patches with makeup, ensuring her momager her 10 percent.
5. Most Obvious Audition: On The Bachelorette, Ryan, who was cut loose a few episodes back, returns for one last shot at Ashley's heart — even telling her to take a few days to think about it. There was never any chance she'd give the happy-go-lucky energy conservationist a do-over, but does it really matter when his ulterior motive is as clear as the Fijian water: to be the next Bachelor. He "called up" Chris Harrison and flew to Fiji himself? Puh-leeze. But at least he didn't play her like Bentley did, right?
4. It's About Time Award: After 28 years and two kids together, Gene Simmons decides it's finally time to make an honest woman out of Shannon Tweed and proposes to her during a trip to Belize on Gene Simmons Family Jewels. "I come with so much baggage, but you're the only friend I've got," Simmons tells a crying Tweed. "You're the only one I've ever loved ... I used to watch movies where they say, 'I can't live without you,' but for me it's true. Shannon, please marry me." And she says... well, we don't know since a "To Be Continued" flashes onscreen. Well played, A&E, well played. Unfortunately, you can't script real life, and this not-exactly-romantic moment last month suggests that maybe we shouldn't save the date just yet.
3. Best Diva Moment: An eight-hour segment on HSN in which Mariah Carey shills her fragrance, shoes and peasant wear collections has the potential for so many top moments, and boy, does it deliver: She regularly forgets the models' names, directs the cameras and is as prone to personal tangents ("My mother and I love the pool, like, we're obsessed with water and all things water, so...") as she is to sales-pitch. But she ends up going above and beyond, ticking off "moments" (see if you can figure out what she means when she uses that word) that seem to exist only in her head: a "dual moment," a "full-on evening moment," a "push moment," a "genius moment," a "transitional summer moment," a "fragrant moment," and a "retro moment of gypsy whatever," among them (watch our montage of Mariah's many "moments"). Taken collectively, pop culture had one helluva Mariah Carey moment this week. Welcome back from maternity leave, kooky old friend!
2. Best Breaking Point, Part II: Like a glutton for punishment, Bravo's Andy Cohen, the man behind The Real Housewives franchise, insists on hosting the reunion specials. He's been yelled at, shoved (by New Jersey's Teresa Giudice) and, let's face it, bored to death. But it's The Real Housewives of New York City who finally push Cohen over the edge when they refuse to stop talking. "You guys are all f---ing talking. Shut the f--- up. Seriously, shut the f--- up," he says, after asking Sonja about some silly Hamptons party. Now he knows how we've felt since Season 2!
1. Best Kiss of Death: Up until now, True Blood's central romance has been between Sookie and Bill. While the show has flirted with other options for Miss Stackhouse, it was only now, four seasons in, that she finally acted on her feelings for ancient vampire Eric Northman and sealed in with a swooning romantic score and a very passionate kiss. All those Team Eric fans have waited patiently; it seems the season of the witch is also your time. Enjoy it while it lasts!
What were your top moments?