Season finales provided a lot of healthy closure this week, at least according to our shrink Mitzi Cohen-McGinty, Ph.D. She says that The Biggest Loser is not just about how we look on the outside. She praised Glee for showing us that there is no "right" when it comes to the relationship between a child and the mother who gave her up for adoption. She thinks Jack and Chloe are totally 24's most codependent coworkers, so it's good that they've decided to spend some time apart. And finally, according to Dr. Cohen-McGinty, Lost's season finale is just a metaphor for the journey to self-actualization that we all must take — except, you know, while we're still truckin' on this mortal coil — and preferably from the couch of her stately Upper West Side salon. Welcome to Top Moments: Everybody in Therapy Edition.
14. Worst Return: Back for one last turn on the parquet, the self-described "controver-see-ul" Kate Gosselin dances to her two life anthems — "Paparazzi" and "I Will Survive" — on the Dancing with the Stars finale. As if suffering through that wasn't enough, she inexplicably ends the number by boarding a cherry-picker, extending her arms and smiling maniacally as the camera lingers on her for an eternity and she rises into celebrity heaven.
13. Most Impressive Win: On the Biggest Loser Season 9 finale, Michael Ventrella, the biggest contestant in the series' history, loses enough weight to take home the $250,000 prize. Starting out at 526 pounds, the 31-year-old weighs just 262 pounds at the live finale, for a loss of more than half his body weight.
12. Most Original Love Triangle: In the last minutes of The Good Wife, Alicia has to decide between her husband, Peter, and her boss, Will. But for Alicia, it takes more than a kiss to make up her mind. She wants Will to show her a plan. "Poetry is easy; it's the parent-teacher conferences that are hard," she says. (Can we just give Julianna Margulies her Emmy now and call it a day?)
11. Least Plausible Finale: On CSI: NY, serial killer Shane Casey (Edward Furlong) escapes — twice — and goes after Danny Messer (Carmine Giovinazzo), who is on vacation with his clan. There are several plot holes to choose from (um, were they just staring at each other for hours in the lighthouse?), but we'll highlight the most laughable: Casey survives a plunge from the lighthouse into the Long Island Sound and arrives shortly thereafter in the Messers' New York City apartment with nary a cut on him to kidnap their baby daughter. How Terminator-esque.
9. Weirdest Song Choice: Glee finally has Rachel figure out that Shelby Corcoran is her mom. Their reunion is short-lived though, as Shelby realizes that she can't be a mom. They agree to "be grateful for one another from afar," sealing the deal the only way they know how: a mother-daughter Lady Gaga duet. That time-honored TV tradition. (Remember that time when Carol and Cindy Brady sang "Bad Romance" to Kitty Carryall?)
8. Most Emotional Finale: Despite its reputation for vicious boardroom exchanges and the catchphrase "You're fired," Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice has one of the touchiest-feeliest finales of the year, thanks in no small part to winner Bret Michaels and his recent health scares. He and competitor Holly Robinson Peete hold hands and (gracefully) fight to the very end for their charities, which makes us shed a tear (or four) when Michaels ultimately triumphs.
7. Worst Opening Line: When you're competing with 24 other guys for a girl's attention, it is vital to make a good first impression. Unfortunately, for The Bachelorette's Derrick (aka "Shooter"), he forgets about the good part. Derrick thinks it's funny to tell Ali how he got that nickname (hint: he got it for being premature at something). A horrified Ali gives him the boot, not at all prematurely.
6. Best Reveal: On Chuck, our fledgling spy flashes back to his childhood, where we learn that he himself uploaded the very first Intersect into his own brain. Present-day Chuck then reboots and subdues Shaw, but doesn't kill him — even after Shaw kills Chuck's dad without much ceremony at all.
5. Least Auspicious Send-Off: NBC sentences Law & Order to that police precinct/courtroom in the sky with an almost totally inconsequential episode, titled "Rubber Room," about a Columbine-style school shooting ripped from the headlines... of 1999. (One bright spot: Series vet S. Epatha Merkerson gets as effusive a send-off as the show's all-business format allows: a cancer-free diagnosis for Lt. Anita Van Buren.)
4. Most Bittersweet Send-Off: FlashForward's series finale comes full circle (there's the kangaroo again!) as Mark Benford changes his future. Not only does he take out the bad guys, but he figures out when the next global blackout will be, just in time to prepare the world and prevent millions of casualties. In a cryptic epilogue, we see a piece of Charlie's flash-forward, in which a grown-up, excited Charlie says, "They found him." Cut to the FBI building exploding with Benford inside. It's an ending just intriguing enough to make us want more. Oh well, that's in the past.
3. Best Send-Off: American Idol says goodbye to judge Simon Cowell by reuniting almost all (we miss you, David Cook) of the show's past winners and a bevy of familiar-face finalists to sing "Together We Are One." After a night of silly montages and an even sillier roast/song by the tiresome Dane Cook, it's nice to see some genuine emotion on stage — including some from the usually stone-faced Cowell, who gets a little misty.
2. Most Apropos Send-Off: In the end, 24's series finale contains all the show's hallmark plot elements: the exposure of a cover-up, a trusted ally and implausible surveillance equipment. After President Taylor admits her role in the Russians' wrongdoings, she offers Jack a head-start to leave the country. Jack, whose image is on giant, Truman Show-like monitors at CTU's makeshift HQ, has a teary, almost romantic goodbye, with Chloe, after which she switches off the monitor and the clock counts backward down to zero. Now about that movie...
1. Most Unabashedly Spiritual Send-Off: Lost's final two-and-a-half hours is about letting go and moving on, which Jack does when his father helps him accept that he and all his island friends are, in fact, dead. A moving reunion segues into the requisite white light, which engulfs our favorite castaways as we see how Jack's corporeal existence ended. Next step: We'll be working with Dr. Cohen-McGinty on letting go and moving on from Lost.
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