This was not a good week for Emily Post, as the week's top TV moments exhibited an alarming lack of etiquette. Kanye West crushed tender flower Taylor Swift's hopes and dreams by barging in on her VMA moment. Serena Williams unleashed a tirade of four-letter words at the U.S. Open. And True Blood's Maryann was in serious need of a wedding planner, as her Dionysian bachelorette party offended our delicate sensibilities. Welcome to Top Moments, Common Courtesy Edition.
10. Bridezilla of the Week: On True Blood, Maryann finally reveals her plan: She wants to marry Dionysus, that's all! She steals Sookie's grandmother's wedding dress and recruits three of her lady-zombie followers for an impromptu bachelorette party. Instead of appletinis and toilet-paper veils, though, each of the ladies has to lick an ostrich egg covered in blood, which symbolizes fertility. Ick.
9. Biggest Upset: Everyone wrote off Jordan after her showmance with Jeff ended with his ouster, but the ditzy Southern belle pulls an upset to become the final head of household on Big Brother 11. She wins the jury vote 5-2 and takes home $500,000. Hopefully she'll use some of the cash to pay for lessons in how to tell time.
8. Weirdest Dream: While Mad Men's Betty gives birth in a drug-induced fog, we're treated to a delightfully off-kilter dream sequence of a radiant Betty, nurturing (or squishing, depending on your perspective) a caterpillar in her hand. At home, her dead mom and dad tell her to keep her mouth shut and be a good housewife. Also: Medgar Evers is there, bleeding out all over the kitchen table. Analyze that!
7. Most Creative Use of Nudity: While Nathan is often undressed on One Tree Hill, the season premiere features roommates Skills and Mouth in the altogether. The pair shares a naked stare-down in the kitchen (not a euphemism), with a pesky plant strategically blocking their nether regions.
6. Most Refreshing Sobriety: During a tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston reveals that while she often smoked marijuana laced with cocaine, ex-husband Bobby Brown may have been the real drug. When Winfrey asks Houston if she regrets having cameras follow her for Brown's reality show, she replies, "I was crazy in love; it didn't matter to me."
5. Tearjerker of the Week: Viewers see a softer side of outburst-prone Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels when Abbey, who tragically lost her husband and children in a car crash, steps on the scale. Instead of harsh words, though, Jillian is moved to tears.
4. Saddest Death: On the season premiere of Fringe — an hour packed with deaths — a shape-shifting mystery man unceremoniously kills Charlie when he needs the FBI agent's identity for quick cover. We're glad that Kirk Acevedo still has a job (for now), but bummed that his character will no longer be with us. Oh well, we'll always have other universes, Charlie!
3. Foot in Mouth Award: Serena Williams unleashes a profanity-laced tirade at a lineswoman who calls a foot fault against her in her U.S. Open semifinal match with Kim Clijsters. Her cursing leads to a point penalty, which secures the match for Clijsters. Williams has since apologized for her rant, and Clijsters became the first mom in 29 years to win a major.
2. Best Tribute: Whoopi Goldberg provides laughter and tears as she remembers Patrick Swayze, her Ghost co-star and friend, on The View. "Let's hope that Ghost was right," she says, choking back tears and referring to film's most famous line: "'It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you."
1. Most Consistent: Kanye West steals Taylor Swift's mic — and thunder — at the MTV VMAs when he interrupts her Best Female Video acceptance speech to say that Beyonce's video was one of the best of all time. Beyonce later invites Swift back onstage to "have her moment," and their matching red dresses help fuel speculation that her moment was actually a publicity stunt. West's antics spawn an Internet craze (see here and here for examples). President Obama speaks for America when he calls West a "jackass," an off-the-record comment that predictably leaks.