Our top moments of the week:
14. Best Kiss: On Switched at Birth, Bay and Emmett continue to get closer, despite the hearing barrier between them. When Bay is unable to understand that Emmett is signing, "I like you," Emmett instead tries speaking the international language... and kisses her. Where words fail, kisses succeed.
13. Most Awkward Dance: During an appearance on Today to promote Crazy Stupid Love, Ryan Gosling mentions that he's able to perform the famous lift from Dirty Dancing. Al Roker asks Gosling to prove it, with Roker standing in for Jennifer Grey. After three awkward attempts, the duo amazingly achieves lift-off. Somebody put Al in a corner, please!
12. Least Divine Intervention: The Glee Project's Cameron, a devout Christian, freaks out after his scene partner surprises him with a kiss. (He calls his mom in tears to confess to "cheating" on his girlfriend.) Glee creator Ryan Murphy criticizes his extreme reaction, but later reveals that he actually wants write a Christian character into the show and gives him a pass. Praise Ryan!
11. Best Rapport: When Steve Carell returns to his Daily Show alma mater, Jon Stewart gives him a pep talk about the end of his Office tenure. "Don't confuse cancellation with failure," Stewart tells Carell, who protests that the show wasn't canceled. "Oh, so it's a Charlie Sheen thing?" Stewart asks. "Does Ashton Kutcher also take your role as well?" We'd totally watch that!
10. First Time for Everything Award: Jazz, a 48-year-old grandmother with 24-inch fingernails, invites us into her world on the Season 2 premiere of TLC's My Strange Addiction. In one scene, Jazz eats crab in public, something she has never done before. It's a symphony of calcium and cartilage. Sigmund the Sea Monster has nothing on Jazz or her crabs.
9. Worst Silent Treatment: What's better than watching Paris Hilton faced with idea that she's a has-been? Her petulant, wordless reaction, suggesting simply that she cannot handle the truth. During a Good Morning America interview, when she's asked if she worries that her "moment has passed," Hilton stands up and leaves. And while the squirming is delicious, we can't help but feel let down. The only way to do the aging-heiress cliché appropriately it to always be present and ready to say something eccentric at any moment.
8. Toughest Loss: The Women's World Cup fails to offer another shirt-shedding Brandi Chastain moment as Team USA gives up two leads before finally losing to Japan on a penalty-kick shootout. The only group more disappointed than American viewers may be the sports bra industry.
7. Bravest Performance: Maura Tierney reprises her Rescue Me role as Kelly McPhee, the pot-smoking fire victim who bonded with Denis Leary's Tommy over the fact that they both had lost children. The two reunite after a chance run-in at the pharmacy, during which Tommy learns that Kelly is recovering from breast cancer — just like Tierney was at the time she shot the episode. But there's no melodrama here: Tierney's performance is refreshing, in that Kelly mostly seems annoyed to be suffering from the disease. It reminds us how happy we are to have Tierney healthy and working.
6. Worst Curse: When Marnie, True Blood's head witch, can no longer tolerate Pam's negative mojo, she places a really gross curse on her, which appears to start the process of turning the undead stunner into the decomposed bag of bones she would be had she stayed dead.
5. Most Embarrassing Mom: Girls all over America are falling in love with The Bachelorette front-runner JP, but the 34-year-old's mom may have forever sabotaged his game. She "surprises" Ashley by bringing out a life-size poster of a 13-year-old JP from his Bar Mitzvah. Despite the serious mullet, the family lovingly compares JP's teenage look to Doogie Howser. "I think that's a beautiful picture!" JP's mom says. We beg to differ.
4. Biggest Crybaby: There's no crying in baseball, but there are plenty of tears shed on Big Brother. After Jeff confronts fellow alliance member Rachel about her negative comments about Jordan during the Power of Veto competition, Rachel runs into the bushes and cries. (No, seriously, she hides in a bush). Chalk it up to clever editing or our severe distaste for Rachel's antics, but that image is among the funniest in Big Brother history.
3. Grilled, Then Pied: Rupert Murdoch's day goes from bad to worse when, while testifying to Parliament about his company's role in the widening phone-hacking scandal, an unknown assailant tries to throw a shaving-cream pie at him. The 80-year-old News Corp. chairman is only slightly creamed, however, thanks to Murdoch's pink-clad wife, Wendi, who shows off her old volleyball skills and "spikes" the guy.
2. Best Sequel: Things are rarely as good the second time around, but Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake's sequel to History of Rap comes pretty close. The duo treats the Late Night audience to a mash-up of hits from artists including Public Enemy, DJ Kool, OutKast and (briefly) Vanilla Ice. Though we still prefer the original tracklist, this performance has one thing the other did not: The Dougie.
1. Best Silent Treatment: Breaking Bad returns from an extended hiatus with a breathlessly tense season-opener. After Gus learns that Walt and Jesse killed rival chemist Gale to prevent their own deaths, the Chicken Man stalks wordlessly around the meth lab, changing out of his business threads and into a hazmat suit. Unnerved by the silence, Walt aimlessly rambles off reasons why Gus should spare him and Jesse. Gus silences him by running a box cutter across the throat of his assistant Victor, who was seen at Gale's apartment after the shooting. "Well," Gus says, finally breaking his terrifying silence, "get back to work."
Top Moments: Jimmy and JT Do a Rap Redux and Breaking Bad Gets Cutthroat
Our top moments of the week: