Tommy Lee Goes to College
Back in the early '80s, when Tommy Lee was running roughshod over the Sunset Strip with Mötley Crüe, I doubt one of his goals was to someday go to college. If so, then it was at the bottom of his goal list, way below "get wasted nightly," "score countless chicks" and "make sex tape." But with all of those checked off, college is exactly where the tattooed drummer finds himself in his first authorized reality show.

And, if I may invoke Tommy for a moment: The s--t is bananas, dude. I laughed more at this fish-out-of-water series than I have at most of the upcoming fall sitcoms combined. Trying to fit in as a student at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, Tommy is a primal scream, unable to comprehend that chemistry isn't just about "making crazy stuff" in the lab. He'd sure ace Charm 101, though. Just look at the way he turns it on with his bombshell tutor, Pamela, er, Natalie, who theorizes that "little things seem to distract" her pupil. Honey, they ain't little things that are distracting him. Given his penchant for buxom blondes, it doesn't surprise me that he can't focus.

But I am shocked that he fumbled so much during band audition. I guess the guy doesn't feel as home-sweet-home when he's not strapped into a rotating drum kit banging away to "Girls, Girls, Girls." Wasn't it somewhat scary to see that infamous Lee anger start to bubble up when he couldn't keep time with the other drummers? I'm sure that waking up at 6 am to practice didn't help his motor skills or mood much. "I wouldn't even get up at this hour for sex," he says. Bro, it's freakin' bananas that we have so much in common.   Joseph Hudak

Rescue Me
Y'know, I can see Franco being annoyed at Sean for spilling the beans on his nurse thing, and his Laura thing (despite the fact that I've always believed a liar bears ultimate responsibility for his fibs rather than those whom he's entrusted with the secrets), but to punch him in the face while he's putting his shirt on? C'mon. Though when Sean screws up again and mentions the waitress, another shot is fair enough. (Though since saying the nurse was about the pills worked, maybe the waitress was about... gravy fries?) On to Lou, though, who's starting in on Candy about what she does for a living. Uh, you met her when you hired her, dummy. It's not like you didn't know. Then more yelling, this time from ghostly Jimmy, who's p---ed Tommy still hasn't gotten Sheila pregnant. It occurs to me that the first time he demanded that, he kneed him in the groin. Not really a productive move (no pun intended), I'm thinking.

Moving on, how can Tommy read about the side effects of Janet's antidepressants and still pop one? The Wow-chips effect alone would have been enough to make me keep my distance. Anyway, it takes a good 10 minutes of Tommy offering croissants, polishing the rig and playing Cyrano de Bergerac before I realize it's the stolen pills doing it. (And again, I'm glad that's the only result they show us.) Funny bit at first, but by the time the hockey game finishes, I've had absolutely enough of the goofball use sex, marriage and poetry or no sex, marriage and poetry. As for the ending montage... poor Lou. We already knew he was gonna get his heart shredded in this new "relationship," before the ace of spades.  Michael Peck

Teen Choice Awards
I have to say right away, our TV Guide Channel kicked butt on the official red carpet two-hour preshow, and I'd state this even if I didn't work here. Kimberly Caldwell, Rosanna Tavarez and Chris Booker were awesome hosts and set the proper tone for Fox's awards show. Speaking of which
8:00 pm Gwen Stefani opens the show with her No. 1 hit "Hollaback Girl." Can I stress how much I love the original, unedited version and how much I detest the edited version? I know it's network TV, but why perform the song if it has to be edited? Sing "Rich Girl" or something else. All those "shhh" sounds go right through me. OK  got that off my chest.
8:06 I said this about the MTV Movie Awards and I'll say it here. How does Andy Dick continue to get booked on these awards each year? So. Not. Funny.
8:12 Jim Carrey wins for Choice Movie Bad Guy and he sings a few bars of Toni Basil's "Mickey." Cut to an audience shot of teens with "I don't know that song, Reege" facial expressions.
8:13 Ryan Cabrera's hair really annoys me.
8:14 Adam Brody wins multiple awards without Benjamin McKenzie even being nominated. A great thing about the Teen Choice Awards is that when someone wins more than one award, they get them all at the same time  not spread throughout the night. In other words, they only get one acceptance speech! How cool is that?
8:16 Loving that my Kelly Clarkson won three awards! Not loving that she wasn't there. Kelly, "Since You've Been Gone," I've missed you.
8:18 William Hung is getting fat.
8:25 A sophisticated-looking Paris Hilton wins for Choice Movie Scream Scene for House of Wax. Cut to a "Why am I here?" audience shot of Jim Carrey.
8:29 What a coincidence that the two winners of Choice Hotties  Chad Michael Murray and Rachel Bilson are seated next to each other. Fantastic that Rachel beat Jessica Simpson  no wonder why she didn't show.
8:36 Mariah Carey wins twice and doesn't embarrass herself, which is a far cry from her MTV Cribs episode.
8:37 The Pussycat Dolls, aka the new Spice Girls, perform my fave current song "Don't Cha," and I must say I am impressed that at least the lead singer was singing live.
8:45 First shot of Demi and Ashton in the audience. Since she's sitting down, I can't tell if she looks pregnant or not. I want to see Moore!
8:49 Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder refers to Jesse McCartney as Jesse McFartney. I laugh out loud. So does Demi.
8:51 Liked Ashton giving that random audience member the chance to read his acceptance speech. Even better was when he coached the dude to talk slower and emphasize the right words. Never thought I'd see Ashton Kutcher teach anyone how to speak.
8:56 Rachel McAdams wins a plethora of awards and kisses presenter Ryan Reynolds rather than fellow winner Ryan Gosling. Oh, Rachel, you oughta know that Reynolds is engaged to Alanis Morissette. And by the way, who knew he would go from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place to the movie stud he's become?
9:04 Did I think I'd be crying my eyes out? Host Hilary Duff giving the startling statistics of the annual teen deaths due to drunk-driving accidents made me lose it. Then Simple Plan's song made me cry more.
9:16 Hilary's cohost Rob Schneider is just unfunny tonight.
9:17 The Gwen Stefani clip package Halle Berry introduces makes me very happy that someone I've admired since the early '90s is still going strong. Visionary indeed!
9:28 Eva Longoria  stunning.
9:35 At last, the annually Emmy-snubbed Lauren Graham wins for Choice TV Parental Unit and Gilmore Girls wins for Choice TV Comedy. Hello, Emmy people, get with the program!
9:43 Speaking of which, Alexis Bledel wins for Choice TV Comedy Actress. Love it.
9:48 Sandra Bullock is cracking me up comparing her three Teen Choice Awards to Regina King being in three Oscar-nominated films.
9:57 Adam Sandler wins for Choice Comedian, which surprises me since I never saw him in the audience. I figured it had to be Jim Carrey since I thought he was the only one there. Wrong. Yeah, Adam and yeah, teens!   Dave Anderson