The Bachelor made Paris, the most romantic place on Earth, the location of one of the most brutally unromantic two-on-one dates in franchise history. Arie took Krystal, she of the terrible attitude and excruciating voice, and Kendall, she of the adorkable love of taxidermy. Admit it: as soon as you heard there was going to be a two-on-one, you started popping popcorn to have ready for when Krystal started popping off. You knew this was going to be Krystal's last stand.
"I wonder who will be on the two-on-one — with me," Krystal said in an interview after Chris Harrison said two women would be entering the Thunderdome. It was an uncommon flash of self-awareness from someone who's seemed delusional at times.
Their date was at some kind of hedge maze. I thought there would be a cup in the middle that Krystal and Kendall would reach at the same time and then be transported to a place where the spare would be killed (SHOUTOUT TO MY POTTERHEADS), but no such luck.
Arie was clearly pretty over Krystal the whole time, and was like "I heard you were talking s---, bro! If you got something to say, say it to my face!" But he felt she was apologetic enough, and things seemed okay. Then Krystal started casting doubt on Kendall's emotional preparedness. Arie looked like he was on a racetrack in his mind.
Then Arie, like a total ding, went to Kendall and was like, "Hey, Krystal was saying she doesn't think you're ready for marriage. Care to comment?" And Kendall was like, "What a cruel person. I don't like her."
Then Kendall went over and therapized her. Kendall is very good at talking about her feelings. And then she started saying nice things to her and tearing up about all the pain Krystal has experienced in life. "I can definitely empathize with you," she said. She was trying to connect with Krystal. She certainly connected with Bachelor Nation (see you in Paradise, Kendall).
┏┓— emily! collins! (@emmmycollins) February 6, 2018
┃┃╱╲ in this
love and support
But Krystal wasn't having it. She gave her a very cold shoulder.
Arie came over and was like, "I can't make a decision yet because this date has been kinda boring so far and the producers need Krystal to flip out." So then we were subjected to another Krystal speech at the dinner table before Arie got there. She said Kendall was "patronizing." Krystal said she didn't have any trouble connecting with Arie. Kendall said "okay." Then Kendall ended the conversation by saying they should just focus on their relationship with Arie. She had tears in her eyes. Poor girl is stressed out!
Kendall don't let her break you! #TheBachelor— Julie Vasquez (@JusJulez) February 6, 2018
Back at the hotel, the girls were pretty sure Arie was going to pick Krystal. But then again, Krystal was so rude to Arie. But then again, "Nobody thought Trump was going to win the election either, and looky where we are," as Bekah said. That's about as political as this show has ever gotten.
we could all be a little more like kendall. ❤️— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) February 6, 2018
But he chose Kendall, of course, leaving Krystal to declare the situation "such bulls---." She cried about how she wanted to be accepted. Which is fair. We all deserve to be loved and accepted. Krystal, you deserve love. But you gotta be nicer to people.
And then Arie and Kendall went and made out under the Eiffel Tower while lights flashed up and down. Good date for Kendall. Then there was another date, but who cares. Kinda crazy that they'd put another date after a two-on-one, the most inherently dramatic part of any season, but forget it, Jake. It's Bachelortown.
This wasn't as dramatic a two-on-one as the time Nick left Taylor in the swamp and she turned into a voodoo priestess of vengeance or when Chris Soules flew away in a helicopter, leaving Ashley I. to fend for herself in the Badlands, but it was still pretty satisfying.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.