SUNDAY

Live from the Red Carpet: The Emmy Awards
Remember all those Joan Rivers failings — getting names and details wrong, even when she wasn't trying to be mean-spirited? That respectful, complimentary Star Jones was supposed to do away with all that, and she does not disappoint. Only when the snarkiness goes, so does any semblance of entertainment. Did you know Taye Diggs' wife is in a play? That Anne Heche feels lucky to be in her dress? That Barbara Walters looks fly? Yup, turns out "nice" is tooth-crackingly, wrist-slashingly dull. On to the Awards. Please.

Emmy Awards
Here we go, here we go now:

8:05 Is it me, or does Garry Shandling sound like he just came back from the dentist?

8:20 Sarah Jessica Parker says her hair color does something mine doesn't. Would that be... make you look like Abe Vigoda in a wig?

8:23 Cynthia Nixon would very much like to share her Emmy with her costars. But, y'know, there's only one, so she's not gonna.

8:27 My wife wants to know why Ron Howard brought Keith Richards with him. (That's Brian Grazer, honey.)

8:54 You simply cannot argue with Jeffrey Wright winning. As good as everyone else in Angels in America was, he deserved it the most. (And extra points for powering through the band when it tried to shut down his AIDS statement.)

9:00 The Emmys director wins an Emmy for directing the Oscars... while directing the Emmys. I smell a Charlie Kaufman screenplay.

9:09 Elaine Stritch gives the best acceptance speech of the night. "You just f---in' never know." Too true.

9:21 Hey, Matthew Fox, the curators of the '80s Museum called. They want their Sonny Crockett look back.

9:43 The Reagans didn't win? Oh, injustice, thy name is Emmy. There will be fire in the streets, mark my words.

9:50 The only thing more uncomfortable than the two "real" people when they find themselves on stage? Me having to watch them.

10:06 Remember what I said about Jeffrey Wright? Same goes for Al Pacino. And you'll note no one in the band had the guts to play over him.

10:49 Why has ABC been playing stirring anthem music for the Wife Swap and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition promos all night? Silk purse, sow's ear. Doesn't work, remember?

10:53 Arrested Development wins, and deserves it. Does that mean there's a better chance Fox won't cancel it now?

10:59 You've gotta be kidding me. This is the first time The Sopranos has won for best drama?

11:00 What the hell is going on when James Gandolfini gets cut off, but those two "real" people get to wave goodnight with Garry Shandling? No wonder the Emmys have an inferiority complex. Or should.

The Wire
"You ain't homeless... You got a home. S--t, you just damn near outta work is all."

So says Bodie, right before the Towers come down, covering him and all the other onlookers in dust. Never mind the fact that you know all those people just sucked in a few lungfuls of asbestos and god knows what else; Bodie speaks the truth. Knocking down the Towers, ruled by the Barksdale crew, means Avon and String's operations have to move into new territory. Thus, we have a new season.

Personally, I couldn't be happier. I promise you I'll be watching this every Sunday night I'm on duty — and every one I'm not.

The Wire is the best cop drama on TV, and probably the best drama, period. Forget the fact that you're lost if you haven't seen previous seasons or even if you miss so much as one episode, or that nobody bothers to refresh your memory or explain the labyrinth of characters and plot points. Doesn't matter; it's worth diving in and trying to catch up because it's that good.

As the scheming, evil String says, the game is about product. If you have the best product, you're in business. And this show does. All of you who shed tears along with me when Homicide was canceled, this is its successor — support it.

Besides, you're paying how much a month for your HBO? Don't you want something for your money?

Family Bonds
If this were a fictional show, I'd immediately be a smart-ass and point out that all these guys couldn't possibly have pierced nipples in real life because that'd be way too painful in a scrap. As if I'd know anything about the scrapping or the nipples. (And yes, I'm enjoying typing the word nipples as many times as I can.)

"You can't force a child to do that," Dana says after Tom throws Frankie's training wheels away so he can't put them back on his bike. "They're gonna grow up very angry at the world. I learned that in psychology." True. But Tom's a businessman first and foremost. And doesn't a bail-bonds family business need an angry kid more than a happy, well-adjusted one?

FRIDAY

Reba
All plot points aside, Brock is the toughest man on the show. Don't believe me? You try arguing while eating peanut butter on wheat bread, not a glass of liquid in sight, without requiring some Heimlich help.