SUNDAY

For Damian Holbrook's complete minute-by-minute account of the Golden Globes, scroll down to the bottom of the page.

Carniv&#224le
"You can stay in Lodz's trailer for now. He's gone," says Samson. Oh, yeah. Look at the run of luck that trailer rang up for poor, strangled Lodz, huh? And doesn't it make anyone suspicious that Samson doesn't seem too concerned where the guy's gotten to? Shouldn't a practiced con man at least pretend to be a little curious? And couldn't I see Brother Justin get the tree tattoo without seeing his bare bum, too? I mean, good lord — talk about an unholy apparition.

The Surreal Life
True confession time, and it's one I'm not at all ashamed of: I hate reality TV. But I make an exception for this show, which is guilt-free since these people are already public figures who knew exactly what they were getting into. (Well, except for Da Brat, who oughtta get a new agent if she really, as she said last week, didn't realize.)

And I'm not alone. The season debut brought in some hefty ratings for VH1. The question this week, of course, is not if they can equal the ratings, but whether or not anything can equal the Week 1 moment of a trashed Verne Troyer, nude on his scooter, peeing in the corner. Of course not. But you can't expect that every week now, can you? So the next question is, as Jane Wiedlin pointed out, who the hell is giving their kids up to "celebrities" to take care of — on camera? Judging by how screen-friendly all the tykes are, I'm guessing stage moms. And isn't it kinda tough to laugh at the celebs' difficulties and failures when every kid that leaves means 100 bucks less for charity?

One thing I do know: Adrianne wipes Wil's snot off his nose with her bare arm and then smears it on her jeans. That oughtta be a thousand bucks to charity right there. And while I thought I already appreciated how tough everyday life is for Verne, this was another eye-opener. What must it be like going through life when any 5-year-old who thinks Mini-Me really is evil can kick his ass? And no, I'm not kidding.

Desperate Housewives
All ratings and popularity aside, one sentence sums up my feelings about this week's installment, and it came out of my wife's mouth while we were watching: "Jesus... isn't this show over yet?"

Yes, the Housewives may have picked up a Best Television Series, Musical or Comedy Golden Globe tonight, but not on the merits of a clinker episode like this one. And it's quite a feat, too, to mine a woman being strangled and buried for laughs, then do the same with childhood cancer and, rather than inspire outrage, manage to bore me. (And who didn't see the ashes-in-the-face thing coming a mile away?)

Hey, I'm paid to present an honest opinion. And the only desperation this week is mine.

Unscripted
OK, I'm not afraid to admit when I'm a dolt, and last week I dove into this without reading any of the press materials. And I was thinking how good it was for a documentary. Then I was thinking how cool it was that they got a camera in on Frank Langella's acting class. Then they called him "Goddard," and I realized it's fictional. From there, it lost some of its luster.

See, it dawned on me that this is K Street with actors instead of politicians. Not that that's a bad thing, but the show had to start all over again with me. But this is a weekend for surprises (see the Battlestar Galactica part further down), because this is well done. And now I'm actually kind of interested.

Thing is, while it's nicely put together, I can only take so much Industry drama, no matter how carefully crafted. So I'm going to have to lose one, I'm thinking, and Entourage is looking like Quake to Unscripted's Quisp right about now. (And yeah, I'm dating myself with that reference.)

SATURDAY

Jonny Zero
"Try not to get yourself shot. I'm not good at removin' bullets."

Y'know the rule that networks use mid-season as a graveyard for subpar shows? Or the one about how titles often predict a show's ratings performance, like Dead Last or, say, something with "zero" in it? Rest easy, consistency fans: Jonny Zero threatens neither. If the title doesn't do it for you, that line up there should be all the evidence you need.

Once again, Hollywood has a problem putting out a credible street show. These folks are supposed to be living on the edge of the abyss, but they're all model-good-looking and their clothes look like somebody in wardrobe hit the local Hot Topic. (And nice try at approximating a goth-club atmosphere; I hope you guys paid the Suicide Girls for showing up.) Funny they should mention Johnny Depp, by the way, since this is about as gritty as 21 Jump Street.

Richard Jeni: A Big Steaming Pile of Me
A couple notable lines here:

"We have to respect people with strong religious beliefs, because if you don't, they'll kill you."

"It took the French people to invent the croissant. But it took the American people to stuff it full of crappy ham and s---ty, shiny cheese and make a billion dollars a week flingin' it into your car window at the drive-through.... We might not think of an idea first, but we'll figure out a way to f--k it up and sell more of it."

But the most notable of all: "This crowd is so good that if the show sucks, I have no one to blame."

True. And while "sucks" is too strong a sentiment, "fair to middling" fits fine. It's not so much "steaming" as it is body-warm. You've been much funnier on the Stern show, Richard.

FRIDAY

Battlestar Galactica
Well, here's a shocker. I'll admit I was holding off on a verdict after the TV-movie version of this because I wanted to see how a couple episodes of the series turned out, but now it's safe to say: This is pretty darned good. I'm not sure about the new theme song, but who really cares when the writing and production values are this much of an improvement on the original?

Rounded characters. A much better job of relating the human cost. And never mind the swell job of relating the tense atmosphere of sleeplessness and endless jumping through space. I'm even cool with Edward James Olmos playing Adama as Castillo minus all the coke and bikinis. I mean, Lorne Greene's take on the original was pretty much Ben Cartwright without the yee-hah!, right? (Granted, they could've let us see them get a little thirstier in the second episode, and the CGI cylons don't always look quite real all the time, but still... not bad at all.

Couple quick thoughts, though: Why's the only guy with the British accent the traitor? And the writers oughtta definitely lose the "frack" real soon.

Damian Holbrook is carefully eyeing the Golden Globes and the red carpet coverage and giving frequent updates, so if you happened to switch channels to check in on those Desperate Housewives, check back to find out what you missed. Joan & Melissa at the Golden Globes OK, put your stones down. You know I have to watch this one, right? Please, Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua needs new shoes. Plus, it's been two years since the Riverses ran through the pre-show gauntlet. I need me some mispronounced names and embarrassingly awkward questions! Oooohhh... the USC Trojans marching band is leading the ladies to their post outside the Beverly Hilton. Somewhere, TV Guide Online's news guru, Michael Ausiello, is sportin' a HUGE smile. As am I, since it's already shaping up to be a car wreck on the red carpet.6:05 "We are drunk!" shouts Mama Rivers. Thank. You. God.6:06 "I'm the real star, Joan." Yes, you are. And may I say, my mother-daughter coworkers from the left coast look fab. Modern medicine never ceases to amaze me.6:13 First mistake of the night! Joanie congratulates early arrival Tony Shalhoub on his win last year. Even though Mr. Monk lost. Nice.6:18 Is it me or does The Bachelorette's Jen Schefft seem a bit more, uh, buoyant than before?6:20 First felony of the night! Joan just handed bottles of champagne to Arrested Development's teenage cast. Have they learned nothing from Michael Jackson?6:24 Man, Joan just asked Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy about returning next year. Who cares about that! Ask him if Christian is returning!!6:35 Yes! Joan just introduced Development's Jessica Walter as Barbara Walters. See, this is why we need these women on the carpet, people!6:36 Wow. 24's Kim Raver is seriously working that yellow deliciousness. Almost has me forgetting that lavender-wearing Best Actress in a TV Comedy presenter Mekhi Phifer just told Melissa that he hopes to look down the Desperate Housewives' dresses. Obviously, he hasn't seen Jen Schefft and her two guests yet.6:42 Lost's Evangeline Lilly? Forget about it. I think it just moved.6:52 Joan has decided to "become a lesbian" for Raquel Welch. Why bother? Lady looks like a dude as it is.6:53 OK, call me a geek, but I dig Missy taking a pic of Housewives' Jamie Denton and bride in honor of their first Golden Globes. It's sort of sweet. And his publicist is totally good people.6:59 What's not good? Joan reminding The Shield's Michael Chiklis that he went home empty-handed last year before asking him to throw something into the tip jar. Like the rest of us here at the Guide are gonna see any of that spare change.7:01 No. An Evian cooler spill just stalled Missy's talk with the Entourage cast. Dag. Even on the carpet, these guys don't get the love they deserve.7:02 Emily Watson. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... At least she had the verve to bash Joan's "terrible question" about casting couches. She may actually be inter... nah. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.7:06 My roomie just went sterile with fever. Granted, Julian McMahon does look good. But how come his usually bare Hugo Boss-suited butt is nosing in on Miranda Richardson's pulled-face time with Joan? And dare I say that our Nip/Tucker has, maybe, new hair? Just asking.7:14 Look at Joan asking Thomas Haden Church if the Sideways folks were apprehensive about casting a TV guy. So insightful. Especially for a woman who was spilling champagne down her dress an hour ago...7:15 ...which may explain why she just asked Glenn Close if she was "a good memorizer."7:17 Uh-oh. Hopefully Michael Ausiello is with friends, because Mariska Hargitay is smokin' in a softer-than-pink satin Vera Wang. Lordy.7:18 Why do these two keep making fun of the TVG Channel's low viewership? It's not like we're Trio or something! But just to be fair, I gotta jump to E!'s...Live from the Red Carpet Ugh. Star Jones Reynolds just told Jeremy Piven to "get his party on." Obviously, the only thing that Bridezilla didn't register for was a clue. Sooo 2004. Her celadon toga dress is heinous, too. Back to...Joan & Melissa at the Golden Globes7:26 Could The Phantom of the Opera's Emmy Rossum be any cuter? Good thing she's only 18. There's still time to knock over a laundromat and hook up with Ben Affleck.7:36 OK, I'm seeing a lot of shots of the biggies, but that's it. Kidman, DiCaprio and their A-list kin seem to be shying away from Joan and Missy. Let's see how Star and company are doing.Live from the Red Carpet Well, here's Jamie Foxx, but he doesn't really count. Next year, maybe. Win a few trophies and we'll talk. Until then, In Living Color stays on the r&#233sum&#233. Too bad the camera won't stay on Kathy Griffin, because Star's making huge sucking sounds all around Orlando Bloom. Who, by the way, may actually be a biggie. If you're a Teen People subscriber. Which I am, and I say he's a biggie. So there.Joan & Melissa at the Golden Globes7:49 Aside from Will Ferrell getting all Robin Williams shticky to steal Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols' screen time, I have to say, Joan calling the couple "the Brad and Jennifer of my generation" is good. A bit off, since they're still together, but that's aiight. She's been drinking since noon. Of last Monday. 7:50 Marcia Cross in the house! Call security! Love her, but she gives me the wiggies.7:51 Teri Hatcher in the house! And a very saucy Donna Karan. Humina humina humina.7:53 Show of hands. Who loves Zach Braff? Even fending off Missy, he's Scrub-alicious. And he brought his mom! How very Kevin Spacey. Hmmmmm.7:59 Go get some rest, ladies. The Oscars are a month away and it'll probably take that long for all that free champagne to wear off.The 62nd Annual Golden Globes8:00 Melina Kanakaredes' silver peekaboo frock just made up for the horrid ditty over the arrivals montage. Listen, if Randy Newman isn't available, take it as a sign, OK?8:02 Hold on! I'm barely right from those pre-shows and Renee Zellweger's already giving out Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture to Closer's Clive Owen. Who needs to be the next James Bond. Or at least my new best friend. Yowsa.8:03 Adoring Closer's Best Supporting Actress, Natalie Portman, but what is that dress? Wife-beater couture?8:10 I guess nobody expected Iron Jawed Angels' Anjelica Huston to win Best Supporting Actress in a TV movie or miniseries, since they sat her in the lobby. Cripes, her walk to the stage was longer than her speech. But that's OK. Leaves Boston Legal's Best Supporting Actor William Shatner more time to remind us why he's the best thing to happen to David E. Kelley since a certain Grease 2 survivor. "Have to thank the wife." He is so the man.8:19 Jim Carrey just oozes "pay attention to me!" Dude, you're only introducing the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Take the hint and dial it back, bud. 8:25 Damn you, Mariska Hargitay! Making me cry like that. And not just for beating Jenny Garner for Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama, but for thanking her dad. Makes me wanna dial up my pop and tell him how much he rocks. Too bad carpal tunnel is starting to set in.8:27 Hey, Ian McShane. Al Pacino called. He wants his greaseball look back. And while you're at it, how about handing over that Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama to Julian McMahon? Or Denis Leary? My boys wuz robbed, ya hear!8:39 And the Best Actor in TV Series, Musical or Comedy goes to... Jason Bateman! As much as the age-defying Arrested Development charmer deserves it, the funniest fellow here has to be the one who put Matt LeBlanc on the ballot. Are they kidding?8:44 Halle Berry's introducing a clip from Finding Neverland, and all I'm thinking is that she needs to be finding Maidenform. Her taupe-y unishouldered gown is straining harder than those of us still trying to understand Catwoman.8:50 Annette Bening just scored Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical for Being Julia. Not bad for a movie nobody I know has even heard of. Much less seen.8:55 Whooo hoooo!!! Yes, yes, yes! Praise to the power of conjoined twins and three-ways! Nip/Tuck takes Best TV Series, Drama. Damn skippy. Now my roomie doesn't have to feel so dirty about watching the entire first season on DVD over the course of a day and a half. And look. Roma Maffia brought her own Golden Globes.9:08 OK, my roomie and I both called Geoffrey Rush's win for Best Actor, Miniseries or TV Movie for The Life and Death of Peter Sellers. That was pretty much a gimme. But what we didn't expect was the Desperate Housewives presenting it in getups that resembled the centerfold for Your Prom magazine. Fire your stylists, dearies. Even Wisteria Lane's charity fashion show had hotter ensembles.9:13 Hilary Swank = Matt Damon + Drag Queen.9:14 Glenn Close, you just won Best Actress, Miniseries or TV Movie for The Lion in the Winter. What are you gonna do next? "I'm going to Disney World! To boil the Mad Hatter!"9:22 Watching Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor give Best Foreign Language Film to The Sea Inside, I realize two things: One, I just don't get "uplifting" movies about suicidal paraplegics, and two, I get Johansson even less. She's just Gretchen Mol with a better agent.9:31 Matthew McConaughey. Proof of God's existence. Sideways winning Best Screenplay. Proof of God's exquisite taste.9:35 Well, I was praying for a three-way tie in the Housewives showdown, but I can so live with Teri Hatcher taking Best Actress in a TV series, Comedy or Musical. If only for upping the number of award-winning cast members in my guiltiest pleasure ever, the grievously underated soap spoof, Soapdish. IMDb it and you'll see what I mean.9:45 OK, I'm picking up what they're putting down here, having singers announce The Aviator's Best Motion Picture Score win. And really, Usher can do no wrong. He loves his mama. But Lisa Marie Presley's Vampira on Vicodin act creeps me out. Who wears capes, anyway? Other than The Phantom of the Opera, that is, and even he lost Best Original Song to Mick Jagger and Dave Stewart's tune from Alfie. What's that all about, huh?9:55 Dammit! Clint Eastwood got Best Director-Motion Picture for Million Dollar Baby and now I'm gonna have to go see Matt Damon in drag get punched in the face for two hours. I was really hoping Scorsese's The Aviator would get it so I could throw a shout-out to my boss Alan, who is Marty's like, biggest fan. Oh, well. Maybe next time, chief.10:00 I'm hoping that I can block out Diane Keaton's schoolmarm-hooker outfit, because all I want to remember here is Jamie Foxx winning Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy. I totally take back what I said 65 hours ago about him not being a "biggie." Anyone who can get Prince to praise them while introducing the Ray clip, have Puff host your post-party and remind me that I've got the best guardian angel in the world is more than just big. And if he keeps up the good work, he could actually be huge.10:10 Grand. A Robin Williams tribute. Or as I like to call it, "smoke break!"10:31 Blonds may have more fun, but Charlize Theron's new brunette locks have me at "hello." And let's hear it for Mr. DiCaprio, using his shocking Best Actor, Motion Picture for The Aviator to pitch tsunami relief. Howard Hughes would be so proud. In a hermetically sealed, germaphobic insane sort of way, but still.10:37 Thank you, Hollywood Foreign Press, for finally backing up what I have been saying for months. Desperate Housewives is the Best TV Series, Comedy. And thank you, Momma Marc Cherry, for both inspiring your son and entertaining us. Your boy done good.10:42 Dammit, times two! Hilary Swank took the Best Actress in a Motion Picture for that Million Dollar Baby, so now I really have to see it. Ugh. Well, at least she made up for her Boys Don't Cry Oscar win by remembering to thank hubby Chad Lowe. Can you imagine that ride home? Or the divorce proceedings that would follow shortly after?10:52 That's a sin. Sylvester Stallone is starting to resemble a boardwalk caricature of himself.10:53 Ahhh, yes. Sideways wins Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. Cheers, gang. If I drank, I'd lift a glass, but I've been writing since the crack of dusk and fear that I may not be able to lift anything very soon.10:57 And finally, after six hours, four Diet Cokes, one major Philadelphia Eagles victory and thankfully no politically slanted speeches, The Aviator is named the Best Motion Picture, Drama. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to get off the couch, walk Pepito and watch something that doesn't involve glamour, glitz or gorgeous people.11:00 Wow, PBS sucks. Maybe I'll just read. G'night, everybody!