OK, the only thing funnier than Gob on a Segway? Gob on a Segway... with a sword. Bleeding. Squeamish as I am, though, I thank the producers for not actually showing any of the red stuff.
The AD quote of the evening comes from Tobias: "Or it could be your colon. I want to get in there and find some answers." However, if you didn't see it, it's too tough to explain. Though it does give me the opportunity to give props to Jennifer, who wrote in to say Tobias used the word "junk" last week because he doesn't care about impressing the ladies. Good point, Jen.
And speaking of writing in, thanks to everyone an impressive 30 or so of you who let me know the Highlights family whose name I couldn't remember was the Timbertoes. The most aptly named respondent? Ken Carpenter. A special thanks to you, Ken. Too good. If I weren't so thankful, I'd make a silly joke about you lumbering off to found a splinter group, or maybe taking a plane, or maybe I'd compliment you for hammering the point home and really nailing the question. But I don't want to be rotten. That just wooden be fair. Michael Peck
"What the hell kind of street do we live on?" Edie bluntly asked. Glad that someone in the 'hood finally recognized that there's more outrageous happenings in one week on Wisteria Lane than in Pine Valley.
But I was really grateful that the outspoken, tartily dressed troublemaker, who gets shoved aside far too often, got a chance to shine. Ever since her only frenemy Mrs. Huber was offed, Edie has had to learn what real friends are for the hard way. Tonight, after snidely remarking, "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to other people bitch?", she got a chance to put her new skills to the test by making out with creepy Paul Young in order to help Susan sneak out of his house undetected. Somehow I think I would have let Mary Alice's/Angela's or whatever the heck her name really is' widower discover the neighborhood snoop who already burned down my house and stole the heart of the only sexy criminal plumber in town.
While Edie was being as self-sacrificing as she could be, America's favorite homebodies kept themselves occupied: Lynette almost had a wrestling match in a bouncy tent at a 6-year-old's birthday party; Bree got to be her deliciously prissy self while saving face and her husband from himself; and Gaby got Punk'd... oh, wait, that was her alter ego, who's probably going to take a hunk out of that hunky lawnboytoyfriend for setting her up; Reel Gaby got busy stealing a Port-A-Potty and doing her laundry in a Jacuzzi because of a nasty sewage problem. That stinks. But Bree pointedly admitted that it was more mortifying to have people laughing at you than feeling sorry for you. She's got a point; the best characters on the show are the ones that we can both laugh at and with like Gaby and her backup issues, not the pratfall-ridden and depressed Susan. Angel Cohn
OK, now I'm losing it. Garret Dillahunt, who played Wild Bill-killing Jack McCall, is now Francis Wolcott. But that one-eared guy sort of looks like him, too, doesn't he? I know it's not, but still... is the next prostitute in town gonna bear a creepy resemblance, too? On second thought, maybe that'd be an interesting plot point.
Hey, now Johnny just used the term "taint," and not in the way any of you who missed this episode would think after reading that. At this point, I'm hoping that's the last I have to write about the unpleasantness of the surgery business at hand, but I'm not betting on it.... And, of course, just a few minutes later I've never been so sorry about being right. I've also never been so sorry that Deadwood's on cable and thus is able to show me the horrific visual details. Man, that's agony to see.
That said, however, Al's episode-ending exhalation just may be the hardest-earned sigh in TV history. For him and me. MP
Well, that does it. I am never having surgery. Ever. And Lasik doesn't count. Honestly, let me die. Because between this cliché-infested hospital drama, Presidio Med, MDs and most late-model ER episodes, I'm convinced that every resident is a clueless pantywaist and all attendings are either massive, sexist tools or order-barking bitches. Even Patrick Dempsey who, along with Tim Daly, may be the best thing the natural aging process has given us in years is coming off as a perfectly dimpled jerk, tossing off groaners like "Today is a great day to save lives... Let's have some fun, people" that would give the cast of Flatliners the trots. Granted, the patient is not entirely toe-up. After all, there is the supremely cool Sandra Oh as the second-banana surgical newbie. And Ellen Pompeo, our leading lady with the health-guru mother lost to Alzheimer's, benefits from more of Renee Zellweger's good points than even Miss Squinty does lately. Hopefully, the ladies will get to show more signs of life and less hints of House-lite in future hours, seeing how the case of that brain-bleeding beauty-pageant princess had about as much heat as a four-day-old cadaver. If we're lucky, once the gang moves into Meredith's mansion, things will go from over-the-top to under the sheets, which could help raise temperatures greatly. After all, if you're gonna scrub in with ABC's top-notch first-year residents this season, a little soap can't hurt. Damian J. Holbrook
Welcome to the Dasani Watercooler, presented by State Farm. Sixty games down, three to go. For the four teams heading to St. Louis, good luck trying to equal the drama of the last two days, which had to be directed by Jerry Bruckheimer ȃ three overtime affairs and UNC's squeaker over Wisconsin. That's four regional finals decided by single digits, which last happened in the pre-office-pool days of 1942. I believe Billy Packer, Dick Enberg, Bill Raftery and Verne Lundquist called those games, too (those last two guys are ready for the balcony on The Muppet Show).
Ever seen a shot replayed more than Patrick Sparks' OT-forcing three-pointer? As foot-on-the-line controversies go, this was topped only by Greg Brady's photo of a game-winning high-school touchdown, which he blew up in a darkroom faster than those officials confirmed Sparks' shot. A more entertaining sneaker shot that deserved a second look came in the on-court celebration for Illinois late Saturday night. The closing credits ended with Fighting Illini big man Roger Powell proclaiming "This is what did it! This is what did it!" while pointing to his Nikes, which had Isaiah 41:10 and other religious messages scribbled all over them. Seems our man Roger is a Reverend. Can't imagine the CBS suits were proud of that one... or their policy on celebrity cutaways. We got the cursory looks at Bill Murray in Chicago, happier than a pig in slop after the remarkable Illinois comeback, but Sunday's Kentucky game had zero cutaways to Ashley Judd (who regularly puts her career of making one-star movies on hold in order to follow the Wildcats). Same goes for Friday night's Kentucky game, though I was more caught up in Villanova's valiant effort against Carolina (which featured the Home Depot Hose Job of the tournament on that last-minute traveling call). Sure, we get to watch an unheard-of 13 Wildcats play in the first half, a baker's dozen that included UK legend Lukasz Orzbut (nickname: Eyechart), but not one shot of Judd, really the team's only star.
From all the action CBS squeezed in between Cingular Naismith Watches, Pontiac Game-changing performances, The Hartford Thinking-ahead Playbooks, State Farm Pre-Game Shows, Cingular at the Halfs and Dasani Sideline Reports, my Chevrolet Player of the Weekend has to be West Virginia's Kevin Pittsnogle. Shame we won't get to hear that name anymore, or its verb form of getting Pittsnogled, which nearly happened to Louisville. One more miraculous three-point shot and the Mountaineers would've made the Top 10 all-time Cinderella lists, maybe even producing a Final Four appearance from West Virginia native Jennifer Garner (her code name on Alias, "Mountaineer," finally makes sense). Worst of all, we won't get the in-depth feature where Armen Kateyan visits Pittsnogle's childhood home. Unlike Hilary Swank, this guy actually grew up in a trailer park. And his dream came oh-so-close to fulfillment. Roger Leister
Saturday Night Live
This Paris Hilton-hosted repeat from January was an ironically appropriate choice because it delivered more eggs than the Easter Bunny. Let's hop back in the SNL way-back machine for the yuks:
Biggest laugh: Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell appeared on Update as Eagles QB Donovan McNabb and his mother, who predicted (correctly) that her son would be punished in the Super Bowl. "You can run around all you want, but they're gonna catch you," says Mitchell's Colette McNabb, who added that she was "the best thing to happen to Campbell's Soup since Andy Warhol." Yeah, I love my Birds, but this was pretty funny until it dawned on me that Mrs. McNabb's name is Wilma, not Colette. Even comedy journalism requires research, folks.
Best sketch: Hilton's sole moment of glory was as the floozyish Fashion Fever model opposite Amy Poehler's jilted vintage airline stewardess in the Barbie's Dream House bit. Guess who wins Ken? "If you want me, I'll be in the camper," pouts Poehler.
Worst sketch: The show shot blanks all night, but the flirting dogs in the monologue was unfunny and cruel. Thompson's pup was literally quaking from fear, and it would have served him right if the pooch had an accident. Dishonorable mention: Merv the Perv. If I want raunch, I'll watch Porky's.
To summarize: Paris is brilliant both at impersonating plastic and at not wearing a bra; SNL's off-nights affect the common cold like a medication that intensifies congestion. —G.J. Donnelly (ah-choo!)
"I'm a screwup, Lee. Try and keep that in mind." Starbuck, in the Galactica quote of the hour
But well before that: Whoa... is this a beginning, or what? Starbuck in bed with Baltar, and calling out Apollo's name? Adama and his son beating the snot out of each other (albeit with gloves on), Galactica Boomer's eating a gun while Helo hauls off and shoots Caprica Boomer? All before the theme song, too.And it's not bad enough that Baltar's got a Cylon living in his head, but now she's a jealous one who says she loves him, too? Uh... what about the little matter of your race trying to eradicate his? And you giving him a hint of what it would feel like to have his heart ripped out (literally), and smashing his face into the mirror, and...
"I wake up in the morning, and I wonder who I am," says Galactica Boomer. With you so far, ma'am. Who hasn't? "I wake up and wonder if I'm gonna hurt someone." OK, you lost me there, except for a few times on the freeway this week. Yeesh.
But hey, look! I'm pretty sure Starbuck's drinking from a Nalgene bottle there. I hike with them myself and never realized they came from our space brethren.
Also, I know I wrote recently that I thought Starbuck and Adama might have some buried heat (and maybe they do), but here comes the launch of a full-fledged love affair with Apollo, I'm now thinking. I mean, playful love taps, full-force punching each other in the face what's the difference, really?
Anyway, I can say this is my favorite episode of the season despite serious competition from other weeks (the recent destruction of the Cylon mining operation comes to mind). Now, how fast can next week get here so I can see Part 2? MP
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