SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives
I think my head hurts from all this.
1. Paul, you are one sloppy murderer. You bury Mrs. Huber in broad daylight and to top it off, you waste time trying to scrub blood off those clothes. What the hell — just drive across town and throw them in a dumpster that no one would ever look in. C'mon! Think!
2. Admitting you accidentally killed your baby sister appears to be an effective prelude to putting the moves on a girl you like. Kids these days. Grand Theft Auto and now this.
3. There aren't many mothers who would have a satisfied smile upon hearing that their sons had been caught with marijuana, but, gosh darn it, Bree Van De Kamp is one of 'em. (Is it somehow wrong that she's my favorite character now? Well, except the throwing-urine-at-her-husband part.)
4. Two favorite lines:
"For God's sake Helen, this is for charity!" — Susan, who thought she was wrestling John's mother Helen because Susan took her spot in the fashion show, but in fact was battling her because Helen believed she was the neighborhood temptress.
"Hi, Danielle, how was school? Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?" — Bree sweetly greeting her daughter outside their home.
5. I'm still not sure I buy Gabrielle coming clean to John's mother because of Susan's little talk. Regardless, even though I realized it at the last second, it was still a nice twist at the end when Carlos was arrested instead of the amoral jailbait-dater.
6. And lastly, another nice curveball was thrown when we heard that the trunk contained an "adult" body.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
After seeing the original video the Broadbent family sent to apply to be on the show, it occurred to me what a tough job the producers must have. The design team was getting pretty weepy watching this one video, never mind the hundreds I bet the producers have to sift through to find a single worthy family. How emotionally draining. Nevertheless, it was uplifting to see this well-deserving foursome get such a cool house as well as a new car and a personal serenade from Elton John. There's so much product placement though, it can be overwhelming at times. I'm still waiting for Kleenex to swoop in and sponsor each individual tear that is shed. It just seems natural.

Staples commercial
When Grandma took a picture using a stapler instead of a camera, it didn't initially appear to me that she was hinting that she wanted a digital camera from Staples for the holidays — it seemed like she was experiencing the early effects of dementia. Nice going, Staples.

Arrested Development
Every time I see Henry Winkler guest-starring I know he's going to be hilarious, that's all I'm saying. Actually, that not true, I want to say one other thing: If George Sr. is hiding upstairs in the attic (and for some reason wearing his dead daughter-in-law's maternity outfits), how exactly is the old man going to the bathroom? If this falls into the TV category that covers the same logic as the coconut cream pies on Gilligan's Island, well then so be it.

60 Minutes
Bob Simon's segment about a Russian opera singer named Anna Netrebko, who is not only an amazing singer but is unbelievably hot and is being credited with possibly bringing classical music to a new generation, was a little weird. After about 10 minutes of this Cinderella story (including a mention of her $1200 jeans), it got to the part where Simon reported that, when Netrebko's mother died, the singer didn't cancel any engagements. He then asked her if it "was difficult to continue performing." Now of course I'm thinking she'll undoubtedly say yes and then tearfully mention that her mother would've wanted it that way. But nope. She just said "No," and sat there as an awkward silence set in and imaginary cricket noises seemed to come from my TV. Wow, that is cold. Well, at least she's got those jeans.

Putting that aside for a moment, whenever I think of opera, I think of my friend Arie who went to the opera one night with his girlfriend, which led to this exchange between us the next day:
Me: (Thinking the opera must've sucked) "So how was the opera?"
Arie: "Pretty good..."
Me: "Really?"
Arie: "...Well, it was OK...OK, actually, it sucked."
He really did try to like it, but, unfortunately, Arie's overall "dude-ness" was just too powerful.

And now I'm going to pass along the Watercooler baton for a bit so that my always clever colleague, Rochell, who so diligently covered Survivor: Vanuatu for you on Thursdays, can go off on all things Mark Burnett. Have fun, Rochell. I know how much you love Jeff Probst and malnourished reality-show contestants.

Survivor: Vanuatu finale
Thank you, Danny. Tonight, we're in for an interesting ride. Mark Burnett's bunch have found themselves with the most unlikely and unphotogenic cast of finalists. They are: Chris, the not-so-dim-after-all lightbulb from Ohio; Eliza, the pre-law student from Syracuse, New York; Scout, the 59-year-old Oklahoman with an artificial knee (who hasn't been able to walk well for three episodes now); and Twila, the straight-talking Missouri highway worker and my favorite of these four. Will Twila's mouth get her in trouble? Will Eliza make my head explode by winning this thing? Cue the familiar Survivor theme song.
8:01-8:10 pm: The obligatory recap. Remember Brook? (No.) Or how about the fact that Lea "Sarge" Masters hatched the plan to get rid of all the young hotties. Dang! I don't know if I've forgiven him for that yet.
8:15: "I don't think you deserve to be here, Eliza," Twila tells Eliza. No, really. Don't go keeping that to yourself or anything.
8:20: As I watch Scout struggle to barely maneuver around the scaffolding of Vanuatu's second-to-last immunity challenge, I have to tip my hat to her again. This woman can't even move. Yet I bet you she's still going to make it to the final three! That's some alliance-making talent right there.
8:26: Twila and Chris both have 10 tiles. It's close... but Chris unscrambles the letters to spell "Final Three" and beats Twila. This could get ugly.
8:29: In the fight for the final three, Eliza votes for Twila, calling her "a cockroach that won't die." Thirty seconds later Little Miss is carrying her torch out of camp and I'm jumping for joy. Meanwhile, the Chris-Twila-Scout trio head back to Camp Alinta for what Scout calls a "beautiful" Eliza-free night. At last... Eliza is gone. These noisy days are over... (They didn't sing that. But they should have.)
8:58: Scout pierces the marker in the warrior/archer immunity challenge. And it's game on for Twila and Chris. But the last man standing is playing well, trying to distract Twila and get her to lose her balance. He fails. But wins a few minutes later when she slips. Poor Twila. She loses the most important challenge of the game.
And now a Rochell Moment: My skin crawls every time any of the Alinta players hug each other. I mean, at this point in the game, "ripe" can't possibly come close to describing their individual body odors. Why would they want to mix their eau de funks? Ugh. They just hugged again. I'm fighting off the urge to purge. Look away, Rochell. Look away.
9:11: Tell me again: How did Chris — the man whose own male peers tagged as the weakest link back in Episode 1 — come to be in the position of, as Jeff Probst says, making "the $900,000 decision?" How'd that happen? Of course, we all know he's got to choose Twila to sit beside him in the final Tribal Council. If he takes the beloved Scout, he's more likely to lose as people like her better. But what do I know. I would suck at this game.
9:20-9:25: Oh, the obligatory long-walk-down-memory lane montage. Potty break!
9:25: Vanuatu's final tribal council begins.
9:29: The juror called Evil — I mean, Eliza — tears into Twila. "You are a deceptive, lying bitch!" she says before demanding an apology from both Chris and Twila for the ways they lied to her and disrespected her. Chris kisses her butt. While my girl Twila stands like a real woman should — strong. "Why should I have to apologize for my feelings?" Twila says, among other things. It's not a smart move. But I admire her cojones.
9:38: And the Survivor thespian award goes to... Chris. This man is acting his butt off, choking back tears as he apologizes to Julie for hurting her feelings and abusing their brother-sister relationship. OK. Right.
9:58: Leann and Ami have gotten to Twila and now it's her turn to choke back waterworks. She says something like "I apologize to each and every one of you. It wasn't the game I intended to play; the game ended up playing me." I don't know for sure because I'm too busy yelling at the screen. Don't do it, Twila! Don't do it.
9:59: The former tribe members have voted. And now it's time for the annual Jeff Probst Bond-esque montage. You know, the one where he makes like an international super-courier getting the votes back to CBS Studio 36 in Television City.
10:01: Now we're live. The votes have been tallied. And the winner is [drum roll, please] Chris. Chris. In a 5-to-2 vote. Even a girl who was all for the women's alliance didn't vote for Twila. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm through.

The Survivor Reunion
Here's all you need to know about this live show:
1. Brady and the Johns are still hot. Eliza is still bitter. And producers are still going to make Chris wait until the The Early Show airs tomorrow to give him his $1 million check.
2. Speaking of Chris, Mister Smooth Operator might have a serious condition. What's that disease called where people lie all the time? 'Cause I think he might have it. For real. He told his fianc&#233e that he got voted out right after she lost the challenge for him. And he let her believe that until the episode aired on Thanksgiving. The poor woman has entered therapy because of it. How evil is that?
3. Back in the real world, Twila has &#252ber '80s hair. And her son James forgives her for swearing on his life.
4. The next Survivor will be on some fantastic island in Palau. (Shoot. I don't know where that is. You look it up.)

Now back to you, Danny.

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live
Colin Farrell had only one unscripted sentence for the entire show and he still couldn't manage to get through it without swearing. During the good-byes he said, "Thanks to the... the cast and crew of SNL for supplying me with one of the finest weeks I've ever had, I s--- you not!" Now see, there were plenty of sketches in which Farrell's infamous ability to get tons of tail was made fun of, but they totally missed the opportunity to capitalize on his legendary cursing prowess. I mean, that's such bull----.

FRIDAY

Joan of Arcadia
Yeah, there was a variety of inspiring metaphors about diving into life and facing your fears, but what affected me the most in this episode was seeing poor Joan do the most painful belly flop I've ever seen. It was like "Wham!" times 10. Of course, it was fake, and yet my stomach hurt just watching it. Amber Tamblyn had to cry later in the program and I wouldn't be surprised if the director said, "Now, Amber, just imagine the searing pain you would have actually felt if you had to do that belly flop for real... Attagirl, there are those tears we needed."

Dinner for Five Presents Martin Scorsese
Jon Favreau did the Inside The Actors Studio approach in a one-on-one interview with Martin Scorsese at the Lake Placid Film Festival. As far as I'm concerned, all the fascinating technical filmmaking stuff he discussed (and there were lots of cool tidbits here) was nothing compared to what he said when he and Favreau were talking about his 1988 film, The Last Temptation of Christ:
Quote of the Weekend:
"You think it's OK to go to church on Sunday for an hour and a half, and then you come out and behave toward your family or your wife or your kids or your friends in the street in a bad way? Well that's the religion, not in a church. I mean, yeah, go and do your thing [in a house of worship], and the ritual is very nice — but the ritual is how you live outside and whether you can succeed at that or not."