SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives
OK, so either Zach killed his little sister, Dana, and that's what was in the trunk, thus solving a big chunk of the great Mary Alice mystery, or this is a diversionary tactic worthy of Survivor producer Mark Burnett. Where's Jeff Probst asking pointedly awkward questions when you need him most? Anyway, there were a lot of good lines in this episode. Let's go down the list.

  • "All in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big, bad wolf's ass [raise your hand]." — Lynette (Felicity Huffman), disagreeing with Maisy's (Sharon Lawrence) nonviolent take on Little Red Riding Hood.
  • Susan (Teri Hatcher): "I checked up on this Silvercrest place, it's a treatment center for troubled kids. Who's gonna notice one more? I create the distraction, you blend in and find Zach... Pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little. C'mon, work with me here."
    Julie (Andrea Bowen): "Mom, when this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills."
  • "I love sex. I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of man, all the muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction.... To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has it's practical applications, but I'm just not a big fan." — Bree (Marcia Cross), convincing the marriage counselor that she doesn't appear disconnected during sex (even taking into account obviously messy cheese steaks).
  • Bree: "I'm jealous of how much time you spend together. My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day."
    Gabrielle (Eva Longoria): "Sounds nice."

    Seed of Chucky commercial
    We are warned that this movie contains, among other things, "doll lust." Hmm, looks like Strawberry Shortcake has finally hit rock bottom.

    The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV
    With The Simpsons, it's always the little things I enjoy most. In the Kang and Kodos takeoff of a lame '80s sitcom (terrible theme song included), their boss comes to dinner and eats the Simpsons. Cut to an empty plate with tiny remnants of the family. including Marge's hair and Maggie's pacifier. In "The Ned Zone" segment, God tells Homer that yes, there is a buffet in heaven, but to "stay away from the three-bean salad." Then in the London-based mystery "Four Beheadings and a Funeral," Bart describes Ebeneezer Burns as the "evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies." (That seems to somehow paint him as an unlikable fellow, no?) And finally, when the concluding tale has Maggie accidentally shrunken and injected into Mr. Burns, Marge, upon rescuing her, exclaims, "My sweet, undigested baby!"

    Dallas Reunion: Return To Southfork
    It's hard to decide this special's top cornball moment, so I'll narrow it down to the top four. Let me know which one you think is the lamest. Thanks. (Yeah, one more list.)
    1. Larry Hagman, in his cowboy hat and gigantic, red-tinted glasses, arriving by helicopter.
    2. While sitting around the pool, Charlene Tilton "casually" mentioning to the others that her character was never thrown into the water. Gee, what's gonna happen next? No, they don't just ignore her as usual. Instead, of course, the guys get up and toss the fully-clothed blondie into the pool. But no, she's not weighted down.
    3. With the cast chatting in Southfork's living room, there's a knock at the door. "Are we expecting anyone?" says Hagman as he gets up to let the "surprise" visitor in. Eventually, we see it's Mary Crosby, who played notorious J.R. shooter Kristen Shepard, with a fake gun. Ha, ha, ha, ha!...Icch.
    4. Patrick Duffy waking up Victoria Principal outside her hotel room, which leads her to tell him that she just "dreamed the entire cast was at Southfork for a really big reunion and it was so real...." Duffy says, "Not again..." And just to make sure that we realize that we're in on a very clever joke (well "a" joke, anyway), Principal gives us a little wink.
    Yeah, this was a cringeworthy extravaganza, but I admit that I did enjoy the practical-joke clips and bloopers. Clearly, the best mishap was sweet, innocent Barbara Bel Geddes as Miss Ellie flubbing a line and saying a bleeped "Oh, f---!" as sure and solid as any American truck driver or frustrated college student.

    Arrested Development
    It's still hard to believe that such a deserving series actually won the Emmy for best comedy in its first year of eligibility. Let's let that sink in again... OK. Anyway, in case anyone thinks acting is all glamour, the producers decided to cover David Cross in thick blue paint. I mean... yuck. Hilarious — but yuck.

    SATURDAY

    Saturday Night Live
    The best part of this "Best of Tom Hanks" special was the now classic "5-Timers Club" sketch with Steve Martin, Elliott Gould, and Paul Simon. (Never mind that Alec Baldwin would now put those guys to SNL-hosting shame.) The coolest thing, though, was seeing a then-unknown Conan O'Brien as "Sean," the valet-type guy assisting Hanks as he entered the room.

    FRIDAY

    Joan of Arcadia
    And now for two totally different reactions:
    Sincere TV viewer: Have you seen a more touching scene this season than Joan holding Adam as they both teared up watching old videos of him and his deceased mom from when he was a little kid?
    Guy TV watcher: Cat fight! Cat fight! Man, Joan and Judith were goin' at it! Hey, where's the chocolate pudding when you need it? And whipped cream! Not Cool Whip — whipped cream!

    Star Trek: Enterprise
    Interesting. Usually when a hostage is brutally tortured for information — or exposed to a deadly pathogen — the good guys tend to give up the goods before he bubbles up and croaks. Not this time. It makes me think that these increasingly testy Augments are even more dangerous than they first appeared. And you could tell that Arik Soong (Brent Spiner) may have also had an "Oh, crap" moment as he began to realize this as well.

    Now, to some, Spiner's return to the TV version of the Trek universe may seem like putting gasoline on a sputtering warp engine (and yeah, I know that's not technically feasible, or original, but you get my point). However, I think he adds a certain something to this three-part arc that takes it up a level. So who cares why he's there? It's entertaining. What's funny though, is that he now looks nearly the age he was playing when he appeared as Data's creator/father, Dr. Noonien Soong, in one of Star Trek: The Next Generation's holographic flashback sequences. Bet he'd love to hear that comparison.

    Last Call with Carson Daly
    Here's a tip. If you tape a talk show way in advance like this one, don't harp on incredibly dated subject matter for too long, like — oh, I don't know — a big-time sporting event, for instance. So if you're talking to, say, Arrested Development's Will Arnett about the Red Sox's slim chances of beating the Yankees in the American League Championship (not even the World Series!), gloss over it a bit. This was at least two to two-and-a-half weeks ago, dude!