SUNDAY

The 4400
Shawn saving lives. Check. Jordan Collier still evil. Check. Kyle still freaking. Check. OK, folks: We've got a second season. And it gets going with, among other things, baby Isabelle "telling" Lily and Richard to leave their little fugitive cabin. Lily agrees, but Richard balks at taking direction from a 3-month-old. I see his point, of course, but don't you think he should listen to a superpowered baby? I mean, remember the bending trees from last year?

Now Collier publishes a book spilling the beans on the future folks sending the 4400 back and says he was withholding the information for more than a year to avoid a large-scale panic. So... what's to stop that panic now? Has the world suddenly gotten more stable and sane? Not the patients at Tess' mental hospital, who behave like ants and want only to build the tower she drew. I can only hope my neighbors don't start up with that since our ants tromp through the bathroom and kitchen cabinets, ending up in our cereal if we don't remember to keep it in a sealed plastic bag. Just imagine the crap all those people would track in.

And another thing: What's the harm in letting the patients and staff finish the tower? Oh, yeah. If you let them do that right away, we don't have a conflict for the plot, do we? But OK, I didn't see the twist coming — that the tower was meant to cure Tess' fellow patient, former brilliant scientist Kevin. Nicely done, people. However, if Kevin becomes the father of the 4400 in the future, as they say, how'd the future people create all these superpowered abductees before he was cured in this episode? Stupid time-space continuum dilemma. Ruined all the Terminator movies for me, too.

As for Diana reading the creepy prediction in Maia's diary about her bosses being punished for betraying her and Maia? Hey, that's what you get when you snoop: things you don't want to know. I could've told you that, and my only power is being pretty good at the TV Guide.com's Matchmaker. — Michael Peck

Tony Awards
8:04 Norbert Leo Butz starts singing from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and I prepare myself for another big disappointment when the stage adaptation of the film, or the underrated Broadway boy, fail to win any awards. David Yazbek's last wickedly funny musical, The Full Monty, lost out the year that The Producers juggernaut took home oodles of prizes, and Spamalot has that same sort of momentum. Not that Spamalot isn't funny... it really is, but Python fans will see that show no matter what. I like when an underdog gets an award or two.
8:06 Billy Crystal comes out as the host instead of Hugh Jackman. Did I turn on the wrong show?
8:07 Nice Oscars dig, Billy. Too much Beyonce is a bad thing.
8:08 A deep-throat joke about Harvey Fierstein, will a nontheater crowd get that? Probably not, but are any nontheater types watching? Unlikely.
8:20 A plug for X-Men 3 and it's only 20 minutes in. Not bad.
8:32 The Dirty Rotten guys sing a dirty rotten song about material possessions. Trust me, the lines that were bleeped were bleeped for a really good reason.
8:40 Christina Applegate with some over-the-top physical comedy — she's come a long way since Kelly Bundy.
8:42 Jerry Mitchell really deserves the Tony for choreography for La Cage. Anyone who can get 25 really leggy men in full stockings and heels to dangle from the ceilings in a coordinated fashion should win.
8:45 Light in the Piazza won for score, Spelling Bee won for book... looks like it may not be a clean sweep after all.
8:57 I'm confused as two fictious White Houses collide when West Wing's Alison Janney and 24's Dennis Haysbert present together. Did they do that on purpose to mess with me?
9:00 Chita Rivera fumbled an obituary speech and got dead silence from the confused audience.
9:19 I have to give it to these featured performers; between Dan Fogler's nostril story and Sara Ramirez's thanking Claritin, they're going for it in their speeches.
9:20 See, I told you those guys in heels were an impressive sight!
9:29 Avenue Q's stars learn that the Internet isn't just for porn.
9:46 Thought Mike Nichols' advice to losers was adorable: "Cheer up, life isn't everything."
9:48 Did Michael Ausiello know that Keri Russell was going to be on the Tonys? Part of me thinks I should call him and tell him she's on, but I'm just too lazy.
10:16 My husband just congratulated Mr. Noodle when Bill Irwin won. Should I be concerned he's so familiar with Sesame Street when we don't even have any kids?
10:18 Are Cherry Jones and Sarah Paulson a couple? Who knew?
10:33 Somewhere, somehow, someday this bloated awards show will be over, but not before a pointless performance by Hugh Jackman and Aretha Franklin.
10:47 I stand corrected. Norbert won. As a Mets fan I've become used to disappointment, but it is nice to be pleasantly surprised for a change.
10:57 Spamalot takes home the top prize, but by the time they get their monstrous cast on stage their speech gets cut off. So annoying when the biggest award gets short shrift after a bunch of tedious filler used up valuable time. — Angel Cohn

MONDAY

Six Feet Under
OK, let's play "Guess the Dead One." I say the therapist. No, the patient. No, the therapist.... Damn, wrong again. But what the hell's the message here, that trying to face your demons and change your life for the better is foolhardy because you might end up being shoved onto a log holder and take an iron spike through the eye? Memo to self: Continue the self-improvement away from pointy things. Memo to Nate: Unless they're passed out and facing up, don't offer to help a vomiting person until after he/she is done. Memo to Rico: If you're going to be heartless enough to break up with someone via IM, be a good-enough guy to come up with a charitable lie. Memo to Claire and Billy: Moving in together only means you're opening the door to all kinds of drama. Which is the point, since this is a drama. Duh.

Now let's put our bets down on the relationship derby. My latest handicapping, based on this episode, has David and Keith ahead by a length or two. Nate and Brenda? Maybe, maybe not. They seem to be dealing OK with the miscarriage, but much as I hate to agree with that catty dead Lisa, one of them will find a way to screw things up.

Since this is the last season, by the way, wanna take bets now on which Fisher (or member of their orbit) ends up on the table at the end of the series finale? My money's on Nate. Or Ruth. Or Claire? Nah, not Claire. Rico. Never mind. I'll wimp out and keep guessing as the season progresses. But if it is Nate, I'll pretend I was confident in my first guess all along and link back to this column. And if it's David or Keith, I'm gonna be bummed. They're the only two people I truly like on this show. — MP

Hell's Kitchen
OK, so you had to know that we'd be losing Dewberry. Let's be honest: If walking out on his Red Team during the restaurant's doomed second night wasn't bad enough, the overgrown muffin still deserved to go based on his lame-o defenses on the chopping block last week. "I have a good base knowledge on... general things, you know?" No, I don't, buddy. And I want the folks pan-searing my scallops to know a bit more than just "general things." Like how to properly hate on Elsie for selling him out in the first place. Or how to handle a mofo like Gordon after he cuts off the Blue Team's air-conditioning for losing the squid-cleaning contest. Seriously, somebody needs to set that Brit straight. The customers may not always be right, but they will always be the customers. So quit bitchin' in the kitchen and feed those poor people before they order in even more pizzas! Oh, and send Jeff home next while you're at it. I'd rather watch Edward Norton look-alike Andrew bad-mouth Mary Ellen than listen to that kidney-stone-chondriac suck up to his maniacal mentor any day. Except maybe the day when the hunger-crazed whiner with a doctorate in Music Ed bitch-slaps ma&#238tre d' Jean-Philippe before choking the living fish and chips right out of rude Ramsay. Now that would be tasty. — Damian J. Holbrook

TUESDAY

The Shield
Tretiak's beaten-up girlfriend, arrested along with him, thinks about her fate... and immediately tries to claw his eyes out before interpreting for the cops to help seal his fate. Guess he should've been a little more caring. And I guess Vic and the boys should have just faked wiring him with C4 so he wouldn't fall over and blow himself to bits. As I used to say when I was a little kid: Oopie.

Hey, isn't that Darrow Igus playing father to Antwon's half-brother Jason? Any Fridays fans remember him as the spliff-loving Rasta chef? Yah-yah-yah-yah! But whoa... Dutch is slugging it out with Billings, then going after Vic. Guess having "bitch" painted on your windshield and having your chair collapse under you start to have an effect after a while. Not that I'd know from firsthand experience or anything. I'm much loved around the office and all my mishaps are purely accidental. I think.

And wow, did Acevedo screw Monica and Vic by cutting a deal with Antwon or what? Not as bad as he's gonna get screwed in return, I'm betting. And not as much as it hurt to have Vic tell him he's not a cop... and never was. — MP

Blow Out
Even though his own coif both concerns and taunts me, I loves me my Jonathan Antin. And ever since he abused his underlings through the opening of his Quiznos-adjacent Beverly Hills salon last summer, I've been missing the strangely accented stylist to the semi-stars somethin' awful. So yippee that our Julius Scissor is back in action to launch a hair-care line while terrorizing the best-tressed staff this side of Fox's publicity department in between pseudo-weepy therapy sessions and even more-frequent freaky-deaky oglings of L.A.'s ladies. Personally perverted favorite? "What a honey... mmmm, it hurts." Keep it in yer pants, bud, OK? This is Bravo, not Cinemax. Fittingly, the opener was perkier than a smart bob, with a few new (read: doomed) faces on the payroll and the scandalous double-booking of Arrested Development's Alia Shawkat and Veronica Mars' yummy Kristin Bell on the day of Golden Globes. We also got a visit to the cosmetics lab, where Antin's ego proved as fierce as his jawline; receptionist-cum-stylist Kim is still not cutting it on the floor of the 90210 shop and a big ol' reminder that Jon Boy's overpriced products would make the PERFECT gift for a certain Watercooler columnist celebrating his second annual 34th birthday today. After all, the only appointment I can score with this dude will be my weekly return visits to the show, and from the looks of the drama he's already kicking up with this new project, I'm gonna need something to stop my hair from standing on end, ya hear? — DJH

Queer Eye
I'm torn. Yes, the "Straight Guy" formula wore out its welcome. I mean, I live with a man who still thinks Brylcreem is the best hair product for his money and who looks hurt when I tell him no, he can't wear the same pants to work five days in a row. And for the first season the two of us really bonded while watching the Fab Five teach those hetero slobs what their long-suffering wives and girlfriends gave up on long ago. (Insert bad Carson joke here...) Then, well, we got the point and forgot to tune in for a season. So I guess it's a good thing that they dropped the "Straight Guy" from the show's title and are turning to gimmicky episodes like tonight's "make better" of the Boston Red Sox.

Caveman Johnny Damon and his equally scruffy teammates Kevin Millar, Doug Mirabelli, Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek could all really use a makeover. But the focus is on a charity game to raise money for the Port Charlotte Little League, whose baseball field was destroyed by the hurricanes last year. Oh, and on Dunkin' Donuts. Instead of those exciting/humiliating shopping and salon trips the Queer Eyes usually take, they simply set up a spa in the Sox' Fort Myers, Fla., spring-training facility and make their victims wax their backs and deep-condition their hair. Of course, that doesn't mean Carson makes any fewer one-liners. My favorite: When Wakefield shows off his right hand, which he keeps well manicured for his pitching, Carson shoots back: "In my line of work, they get mad when I hold the ball with my fingernails." Kyan, Jai, Thom and Ted hardly get a word in, except for some cringeworthy promotional statements about Dunkin' Donuts and BJ's Wholesale. Rather, we hear a lot from Millar — in a bathrobe, feet in a bowl of rose petals, hair wrapped in pink Saran wrap and orange cream all over his face — about how much he likes being gay now. When they're trying on fancy new outfits, I can't help but notice that many of the pants, shirts and blazers are pinstriped. Could Saks Fifth Avenue be sneaking in a little Yankee propaganda? No one else mentions it, though.

Though the parts with the Little League are boring in a heartwarming-with-a-healthy-dash-of-product-placement kind of way, it does remind me of the Fab Five's role as gay ambassadors to the straight world. I remember how homophobic kids can be, and if the same is true of these boys, it's great that they get to spend some time with some funny, successful and generous gay men to open their minds a little bit. Before the ballgame, the five Red Sox show off their cleaned-up looks, and actually, Millar and Varitek really benefited from their spa day. Damon, who brought in his own hair stylist for the event, is sadly unchanged. After a silly game in which the kids, the gays and the pros match up for teams so evenly matched they tie, the kids receive a check for $100,000. And everyone lives happily ever after, even though I'm sure the ballplayers won't break that nasty habit of all sharing the same bar of soap in the locker room. — Sabrina Rojas Weiss

WEDNESDAY

Beauty and the Geek
Are the challenges on this show designed solely to get the women into skimpy outfits? And wasn't it a little weird that Bill The Dukes of Hazzard fanboy seemed more excited by the Daisy Duke shorts than the teeny bikinis? Thankfully, Ashton and Co. decided to have the guys keep their clothes on. It actually looks like the actor's social experiment is working, as Erika realized how superficial she'd been about dating after meeting her new fling, Brad — I'm real sure that relationship is gonna last in the real world. Too bad her epiphany came just as she and her adorable partner, Joe, were kicked off. Richard managed to save himself with his OTT brown-nosing and wacky behavior. He can't really be that socially inept, can he? And there is no way that he was praying after his professional shirt-tucking from the adorable Mindi; I think he may have needed a moment alone for some, um, other things. Caitilin thinks that the problem with the guys is that they have no survival skills for competition. Oh, honey, that is just the tip of the iceberg. — AC

Dancing with the Stars
It's fun to watch all these couples dance; I almost wish that someone didn't have to get voted off each week, like maybe they could have cumulative scores over the course of the competition and then just name a winner. Plus, I just don't understand why Trista and Ryan, I mean Louis, got the ax. Sure, she's kind of annoying, but she did manage to dance well last week. During tonight's rumba lessons, though, her panic about proper behavior so reminded me of how Baby in Dirty Dancing was all awkward during her first encounter with bad-boy Johnny. I almost expected the former Bachelorette to start giggling when the "other" boy touched her arm. And who voted for Kelly Monaco? Was it the pity vote that kept her around? She did look slammin' in that skimpy outfit tonight; I think she and Rachel Hunter were in competition for the most minuscule costume. Rachel was worried that she was going to fall, but I was more concerned that she was going to fall out of that top. And though it looks like cute little Ashly's crush on Joey may have already worn thin, the two managed a really quick quickstep to a fun tune — "You're the One That I Want" — as the former New Kid promised me earlier this week. Loved John O'Hurley; he looks like he's been doing this forever. But now, with the audience voting, I have no idea who will go next — and I can't wait to find out. — AC

THURSDAY

MTV Movie Awards
8:30 Batman begins the show by picking up host Jimmy Fallon in the Batmobile, and how cool is it that Batman turns out to be Napoleon Dynamite? How does Andy Dick continue to get booked for these awards each year?
8:42 Happy that the girls from Mean Girls won for Best On-Screen Team. Oh, my God, Lacey Chabert has boobs!
8:50 What is happening to Vin Diesel's career? I know The Pacifier did decently at the box office, but come on, say it with me: "The Pacifier sucked."
8:51 The normally funny Ben Stiller wins for Best Villain for Dodgeball, but does a very unfunny bit with an egg.
8:54 What's going on with Eminem performing with the Crank Yankers? Creepy.
8:57 Thank goodness the life-size puppets are gone, leaving Eminem solo. The girl puppets were not wearing underwear.
9:03 Nicole Kidman's forehead doesn't move as she awards Rachel McAdams for Breakthrough Female Performance.
9:09 I think I'm the only person I know who hasn't seen Napoleon Dynamite. Nice to see Breakthrough Male Jon Heder with straight hair.
9:17 Absolutely hilarious and brilliantly edited Star Wars parody. Best line (Jimmy to Ewan McGregor): "Sith? That's a pretty nasty lisp you've got there." Second best line (Jimmy to Natalie Portman): "What am I — chopped lava?"
9:23 Dustin Hoffman wins for Best Comedic Performance for Meet the Fockers and, inspired by Eminem, touches himself multiple times. Boobalicious Lacey Chabert mouths, "That was funny!"
9:26 Mariah Carey brings down the house with her No. 1 hit "We Belong Together." Who knew that after Glitter, Mariah would ever hit No. 1 again?
9:30 Mariah ends and Jessica Simpson mouths, "I love her!"
9:35 Very funny segment with Jimmy feeling up Sandra Bullock. Great to see Leonardo DiCaprio finally beat out Jamie Foxx for Best Male Performance for The Aviator. Jamie was outstanding in Ray, but enough already. Lame of Leo not to be there (at least he sent a tape).
9:41 Dakota Fanning wins Best Frightened Performance for Hide and Seek. I win Best Frightened Performance when watching Dakota's acceptance speech. Close your eyes — I swear she's morphing into Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist. "This house is clean."
9:48 Extremely unfunny bit with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. Does anyone in Hollywood have a bigger nose than Owen? But you know what they say — big nose, big ... well, you get the picture.
9:53 My favorite part of the evening — Hilary Swank salutes the 20th anniversary of The Breakfast Club. OK — I'll admit it. It not only made me feel old, but the whole combination of the film clips with Yellowcard singing an excellent cover of "Don't You Forget About Me" made me cry. But in a good way. Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy and Anthony Michael Hall all look great. Where were Judd and Emilio?
10:09 Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams recreate their Best Kiss from The Notebook and it's even hotter than in the movie. Sadly, Ryan isn't as good looking when he stands next to presenter Paul Walker.
10:11 I'm nauseous. Katie Holmes presents the Generation Award to her generation-older "boyfriend" Tom Cruise.
10:12 I temporarily lose my nausea during the Cruise film clip tribute. Tom is actually a really good actor, and I am reminded of his plethora of fantastic performances.
10:16 Back to brainwashed Katie. Now I am recalling something one of my best friends Dawn Young said recently (and I must give credit where credit is due): Tom Cruise is a promosexual. Whenever he has a huge movie coming out, he promotes his new "girlfriend" and these "girlfriends" keep getting younger and younger to coincide with his target audience. Dawn is brilliant.
10:23 How pleasant to see Jessica Simpson present with her Dukes costars and not Nick. Another win for Jon Heder and Dynamite — this time for Best Musical Performance.
10:27 So glad Daryl Hannah won Best Fight for Kill Bill 2! How drunk was Quentin Tarantino?
10:42 Lindsay Lohan beats Hilary Swank for Best Female Performance? Huh? Lindsay says (about her award), "This is the best popcorn I've ever had!" Lindsay, eat some real popcorn — stat!
10:53 The final award — Best Movie. Tom Cruise walks out carrying his future "girlfriend" Dakota Fanning. (Hey, remember, target audience.) Napoleon Dynamite wins for the third time. Guess what I'll be renting ASAP? — Dave Anderson

Hit Me Baby One More Time
Wow. Vernon Kaye has the whitest teeth I've ever seen. Katie Couric pointed it out on yesterday's Today show and she's totally right. That's all you see when you look at him. Reminds me of that time on Friends when Ross left the teeth whitener on for too long and then they glowed blue in the blacklight. Good times.

Anyway, on to tonight's songs... (I'm ignoring the lame second half of the show from here on out. Really there's no point in even commenting on The Motels doing Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why," is there? You know I'm just going to bash it.) "My Sharona" always makes me think of Reality Bites (one of the best soundtracks ever), and "Ice Ice Baby" is so bad it's amazing. Those lyrics are tucked away in some corner of my brain and despite the fact that I hear that song only once every three years, the words just come flying back.

I had no idea Tommy Tutone was the group that sang "867-5309/Jenny," though I do love that song. I don't think I've ever heard of The Motels or the name of their song. Still the "Who's that?" award of the night has to go to Haddaway. Before tonight I — and I think it's pretty safe to assume most of the US population — knew his song "What Is Love" by its more common name: "The One Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell Bop Their Heads To." But the guy is a fellow George Washington alumnus, so I was half-rooting for him tonight. Go Colonials! All that said, Vanilla Ice, aka Rob Van Winkle, won and money was donated to his charity. Really, the announcement of the winner is so anticlimatic.

My deep thought, er, question of the night is: How do you think they got people to be on this show? I can just picture the conversation with the singer's agents — "Hey, we're doing this great reality show about washed-up pop stars and one-hit wonders. Do you think your client would be down with that?" It makes me wonder what shows these people turned down. — Ali Gazan