Before we get started, let me just say that sports commentary from me is about as useful as career tips from Joyce DeWitt. So instead of trying to sound like an Olympics pro, I humbly offer the perspective of someone whose knowledge of jocks is limited to the old Ewing guy from Dallas and Mandy Moore's ex. God help us all.

2004 Summer Olympics
Wow. The men's shot put finals. Not the big-ticket item I was hoping for, but still pretty cool. Huge guys throwing a 16-lb. stone and yelling a lot. Like a frat party gone really wrong. Been there. Plus, this is going on over in ancient Olympia, which hasn't hosted a competition in like, 2000 years. American Adam Nelson did us proud, not that it's a surprise. After all, his neck is thicker than his head. That's gotta lend some sort of heft, right? Though I thought tonight was all about gymnastics. Where the hell are those Hamm boys? And why do the announcers keep talking so much?

When Metal Ruled the World
As a recent survivor of a Sebastian Bach concert (don't ask), I can safely say that there are a lot of people out there who think that rock's big-haired offspring still rules. Of course, they also think shoe boots are acceptable and that Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is the world's greatest power ballad. Which, as we learned tonight from Mr. Bach himself, is actually M&#246tley Cr&#252e's "Home Sweet Home." Obviously, he has yet to embrace the Whitesnake oeuvre. Not to mention the benefits of cream rinse.

2004 Summer Olympics
Awww, look at Rebecca Giddens getting all teary over silvering in the kayaking finals. That's so sweet. Of course, it's hard to hear what she's saying since the damn announcers keep yabbering. Somebody send NBC some Ritalin. Those jabberjaws needs to simma!

Amish in the City
So the other city kids are turning against Kevan, huh? Sounds about right. He's the nice one. Speaking of nice, check out Mose calling Ariel "a bitch" for hitting on Meagan's sweetie, Nick! Between that and his fondness for the "hot" yoga instructor, it's looking like our resident robot is becoming a real live boy. With a good eye, too. Nick fell for her act faster than a Lenny Krayzelburg record at the...

2004 Summer Olympics
...where U.S. fishboy Aaron Peirsol handily sank his countryman's previous time in the men's 200m backstroke semifinals. Way to go, son. You too, Brendan Hansen. I know you had your eye on a breaststroke gold, but Japan's Kitajima is freakishly fast and that surge from Hungary's Gyurta in the last five meters totally earned him the silver. Bronze is great, though, dude. When you come home to Havertown, PA, look me up. We'll hit the Oakmont Pub. It's good people there and my roomie Melany really wants to meet you.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
How sad is it that a confessed sports moron completely missed the Lacheys' third-season finale for a swim meet? Sorry, but Jess kicking off her tour can't hold a torch (get it?) to Michael Phelps setting a new standard in the 200m individual medley and Kaitlin Sandeno trashing a 17-year-old record while anchoring our girls to a gold in the 4x200m freestyle relay. Besides, you know MTV is going to repeat this one until kingdom come. Or at least the next Olympiad.

2004 Summer Olympics
Did Paul Hamm just fall coming off the vault? No. That means... no!!! He was supposed to be our individual all-around champ! Tell me I did not just see that. No. Uh-uh. Nope. See, this is why I don't get sports! They're too heartbreaking. You take your "agony of defeat" talk and shove it. I can't watch anymore!

Rescue Me
Ahhh... much better. Dag, I love this show. Even when it goes nuts with the macho and the metaphors. I mean, obviously we're dealing with heroes who suck as humans. Do they need to be the worst fathers on the planet, too? Franco, sure. It was a safe bet he'd ship his baby girl off to an orphanage after Nes' overdose. That pretty boy couldn't raise someone cuter than he is. And Jerry, definitely. Denying his gay son — who lied on the stand to save his pop's career! — earns that globular homophobe a special place in hell where Freddy Mercury and Liberace perform the hits of Cher 24/7. But Tommy lying to Colleen about the Murphy kid? That ain't right! I don't care if his own dad is bonkers. I expect more from Mr. Gavin. And though it was sweet how he bonded with the little girl trapped in the collapsed building, the twist after her rescue, as well as Rog's buds kicking the snot out of him, gave me a buzz. Unless that's the intoxicating realization that I may hear "Emmy winner Denis Leary" in my lifetime.

2004 Summer Olympics
OK, so I kept watching. Well, sort of watching. More like jumping up and down and screaming in joy. Paul Hamm, you complete me. Pulling it out like that, nailing the high-bar landing and grabbing the all-around gold by 12-thousandths of a point. I don't even care if you were stone-faced during the National Anthem. I was weeping like I birthed you myself. And there is no shame in that game, ya hear?

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