Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search
I know I said last week that I couldn't care less about these rib cages with attitude, but for some reason, they're sucking me in tonight. Perhaps it's because Bora Bora looks like Nirvana compared to my chilly Philly. Or that we're down to the last three wannabes and I know it's going to be done soon. Whatever the case, it won't be over as soon as it was for poor Stacey, of course. But it really was time. Getting all weepy in front of the judges about feeling "not good enough," right after Alicia had her breakdown felt just a wee bit forced. Actually, those tears were about as faux alligator as a cheap pair of Fayva boots. And speaking of, either Shannon or Alicia is going to get the boot next week, so cast your votes, people. Or don't, and respect yourself in the morning. It's your call.

I can't watch this one tonight. I know, it's a repeat, but I can't bear to see Claire suffer any more. OK? And ABC, could you quit it? I need my fix of new episodes. Seriously, the doctors say I'll die without it.

American Idol
Why are people crazy? I mean, I get that these folks want to be on TV and all that, but come on. Matthew Miller, the Kelly Clarkson impersonator? That truly unsettled me. Rapping nanny Christopher Scott Noll, with his Napoleon Dynamite vibe and ill rhymes? Damn sad. As am I for the rest of the kids who had to go before Simon and crew in San Francisco. Granted, I would probably line up days in advance for a chance to meet guest judge Brandy, but that's me, and it's weird. I know. Thankfully, there were a few standouts among the women. Little Elizabeth Pha, who showed up looking like a hooker caught in a schooner's net, had a killer voice despite her obviously DOA fashion sense. And Nadia Turner, with the Macy Gray 'do and pipes of glory is so Top Ten. Holla!.

Aside from the fact that Lois reminds me way too much of Julie Cooper on The O.C., I am right there with this show. It's so clever without being smart-alecky. Chloe blames Lana's attack on Alicia's "meteor-induced powers" and nobody bats an eye! And Jane Seymour as the baddie is terrific with a capital English Breakfast T. Even if her Mommy Dearest act with Jason gives me the bad-touch willies, I dig that there's someone else stirring up Metropolis other than Lionel, you know? It's just too bad about the time slot. This one deserves a bigger audience. And we deserve to have better dramas on the other nights of the week.

Son of the Mask ad
Or as I like to call it, "straight to video."

Project Runway
First off, who ever drew on the picture of Wendy's kid? Bad fashionista! Poor form! I like what you're thinking, but dropping a house on her would be so much more effective. Or we could just let her hang herself on the runway with another "farty" outfit like her redesign of the Postal Service uniform. Hello, dowdy. Secondly, who doesn't love Kara Saum? Honey, you are going to own Fashion Week. And finally, to all of you who e-mailed me the name of the Banana Republic singer, bless your hearts. Now, can someone please tell me how the hell that beeyotch back-stabbing Mama SkunkMop gets to stay and Robert has to go? Not even right. Especially since her gear didn't even have kicky zip-off pants. Oh, well. Hang in there, Robbio. If you need a shoulder to cry on, drop my editor Tracy a line. Trust me, OK?

State of the Union Address
Yeah, and people think reality shows suck. Click.

Jack & Bobby
And the award for Worst Mother of the Century goes to... Grace McCallister! What a selfish, druggy mess of a role model. It amazes me that any of her kids would grow up to become president. Cripes, Judy Garland was half as horrid and look how Liza's turned out. So I'm thrilled that Bobby, though bratty as a Supernanny nightmare, let loose on her for playing "surprised" that Tom just so happened to be on the same stargazing camp-out as they were. Even more thrilling is that Jack finally ditched Missy. Ugh, between the gas-leak voice and her crippling codependence, she was about as welcome as a cold sore on prom night. Seeya, blondie. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

State of the Union Address
Oh, look. ABC finally got a good sitcom. Oh, wait. Never mind. Click.

Queer Eye for the Straight Girl
I swear, by the year 2027, everyone will have been made over by at least one gay man. And maybe even a lesbian. They are everywhere! Which is great, when you think about it. Used to be the only place you'd find gays on TV was in the center square, Cell Block H or playing at Wimbledon. Unfortunately, according to Dubya, we'll also have a $200 billion Social Security shortfall. So tonight's straight slob had better enjoy her new glassware, Kate Spade bag and those very cha-cha boots. Because when it's her kid's turn, "fab" will be all about Dixie Cups, knockoff Louis Buttons and Chic jeans. God help us all. Oh, and one more thing...