Smallville
Oh my god, I think I owe an apology to the comic-book crowd. Seriously, I had written this off as the WB's geeky patch for their leaky Dawson's Creek last season. But after finding out that even my internist is addicted to the teen superhero drama, I just had to drop in. Turns out Tom Welling's more than just delts and dimples, but the hunk of steel better get that x-ray vision checked. He's gotta be blind, dumping doe-eyed li'l Lana.

It's All Relative
Love how Paige Moss's bottle-garish pixie cut turned into a wavy brown mop in a single week. Sure, time had to pass between the filming of the pilot and the second episode, but please, a little continuity, folks? And while you're at it, a few laughs, too? I get that you want to woo both straights and gays, but having a chick strip down to her bra in a boutique isn't so much funny or hot. It's really just against most store policies.

Tarzan Commercial
Lucy Lawless. Damn.

The Bachelor
What is with all the crying tonight?! Between Smallville's Clark-Lana bust-up and Meredith's Nana dying, I'm like Halle Berry on Oscar night. Good thing I still had some tears left for the ladies who had to endure Bob's rendition of "Open Arms" during the karaoke slumber party. Girls, when the man of your dreams trots out Journey, it's time to make sure those "dreams" aren't really acid flashbacks, OK?

The West Wing
Partisan politics. A bomb threat at immigration. Blah, blah, blah. How come nobody's talking about how great Allison Janney's hair looks, or why Stockard Channing isn't the star of this show? And Toby, seriously, Zoloft, bud. I know the situation with the new baby sucks, but you're bringing us all down.

The King of Queens
What a cute little show. Never watched before, mostly because I didn't think Leah Remini could ever top her stellar work on the Who's The Boss spin-off Living Dolls. But hey, any show that can snag roles for SNL's Rachel Dratch and Mad TV alum Nicole Sullivan can't be half bad. Unlike...

Becker
...which is barely half good. Ted Danson must have some very naughty pictures of someone at CBS to have kept them from pulling the plug on his so-called comedy this summer. If I wanted to see a grumpy doctor, I'd call my HMO.

The 101 Juiciest Hookups
Liza and David Gest are not juicy, people. Have you seen that wedding portrait with Jacko and Liz Taylor? It's like The Island of Dr. Moreau's class reunion. Now, Courteney Cox and David Arquette, they're juicy. If only because inter-species romances get such a bad rap.

The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire
Showed up late to this, but is Chris Penn supposed to be slow or something? Every time he was on screen, it looked like he should be wearing a helmet. And forgive me, but it's kind of hard to watch Tiffani Thiessen's ex, Richard Ruccolo playing a banker with the hots for Mare Winningham. Actually, the whole damn thing is kind of hard to watch. When does mid-season begin again?