Smallville Oh, my god, I just...

Smallville
Oh, my god, I just had as much fun at Clark's prom as I did at my own! And trust me, I was tanked that night. From the get-go, I knew this was gonna be a riot, with convention-hating Chloe up for queen and that insipid clique-monster Dawn Stiles running around triggering flashbacks of the good old days at Monsignor Bonner High. Which is sort of weird, since it was an all-boys school, but whatever. It only made things merrier when vile Stiles met her end in a meteor-laden gorge while talking on her cell and driving — that act should be punishable by death anyway. And the whole Mean Girl Ghost body-jumping joke gave nearly everyone on the Smallville call-sheet a chance to let, like, totally loose. Though I'm not sure what was more of a hoot: Lois' Patty Simcox persona, the regressed Martha moaning about Lana being "so last year" or Clark's campy "that crown is mine, bitch" smackdown on Chloe. Let's just say a good time was had by all. Especially anyone who saw Lana show up at the end in that knockout outfit. Yowza. Is it even legal for teens to be that hot? Oh, and as for that twist with the DOA Bridgette Crosby, I guess those rumors about Jason's future are true after all, huh? Oh well. Laters! — Damian J. Holbrook

Lost
I smell bacon! Sawyer thinks that one of the wild boars is out to get him in this rerun, but hey, it's another chance to watch the sexy bad boy traipsing through the jungle. "Peed on my shirt. Took it out of the bag and peed on it," he insists when Kate and Locke think he's had a few too many of those teeny bottles of alcohol. Love when Kate finally gets boared to death with Sawyer's antics and leaves him stranded in the wilderness. Hate when Sawyer turns my pity into disgust when he doesn't tell Jack how much his deceased pop loved and respected him. Guess we can't expect too much from a guy who wants to know if he has to take a swig of his drink for each and every one-night stand that he's had for the "I Never" game. And just because Sayid has some experience dealing with war, does that make him the island's resident expert on post-traumatic stress or coping with committing murder? I guess compared to Kate and Sawyer — who both still seem weighed down by their wrongdoings, as we learned in that hot game — Sayid, who used to torture people for a living, looks like a perfectly nice, well-adjusted guy. — Angel Cohn

American Idol
Are ya kidding me?! Seriously, I am thisclose to throwing my TV out the damn window because of this show! Another week and still the bane of my existence — I can't even say the name anymore — remains on that freakin' stage with his smug mug. And we lose Anwar, someone with actual promise? I don't know what to say right now. Actually, I do, but this is a family website and my mom always said, "If you don't have something nice to say, it's because our neighbors were trash anyway." OK, so maybe that doesn't really apply here. What does, though, is my unfettered disgust at the idea of a Final Five spot being filled by a singer who has zero personality, lacks the muscles that control one's smile AND has established permanent residency in the bottom three, yet still doesn't have the manners to just leave! You think he'd be as gracious as Bo and stand smack between the two groups if Ryan had asked him to pick which side was the safe one? Hell, no! Ugh. On a happier note, yeah for Vonzell, Bogart, Constantine and Carrie. Well done, kids. And yes, if any of you were wondering, that kiss Baby V. blew walking across the stage was for me. I'm sure of it. Just as I'm sure that tonight's sing-along won't cause the night terrors in those of us traumatized by the works of songwriter John Farrar. And to think, Xanadu was so good. Huh. — DJH

(Can't get enough American Idol? Watch Kimberly Caldwell and Rosanna Tavarez dish about the music on Idol Chat, Thursdays at 8 pm/ET on TV Guide Channel. Catch a video preview of the show here. )

Alias
What a shocker. Sloane is exposed to a slew of Rambaldi elements and contraptions and — surprise! — he loses it in a big way. To be honest, that's the first time I can clearly remember Ron Rifkin actually raising his voice in a scene. Usually it hovers around a sinister slow burn. That was quite a maniacal look he had when he finished pummeling his doppelg&#228nger's main henchman. And the fresh blood on his face was a nice touch, too. Well, if anyone deserves a chance to deliver a thoroughly sarcastic "I told you so," it's Nadia.

Rifkin and Joel Grey's first meeting in full makeup must have been interesting to see. Imagine if your boss/teacher brought someone into your workplace/school and said, "We need someone to play your clone (or something like that), so be cool when he starts mimicking some of your more annoying character traits that you may not even be aware of. Now act natural. And go!" — Danny Spiegel

Revelations
"How could a child save the world?" asks Dr. Massey, having just been told about the miracle baby who survived the ferry sinking, and about Sister Jo's theory that the kid could be the Savior. Why not, when a child was able to cause a lot of trouble for it in the '70s? Didn't anyone see series creator David Seltzer's earlier go at this stuff?

Then again, given Massey's skepticism, he's obviously a bit slow to catch on. Exhibit B: "This is probably just a prank — there're some kids at school who are looking to start things up," he says after seeing surveillance photos that the minions of the Dark Lord have taken of his son Hawk. Well, I guess that could be the case, Doc, provided the junior-high photography club takes CIA-level spy shots and has the budget for a courier service. But no, a severed pig head crashing through his window in the night appears to kill that theory. Man, talk about your deviled ham. Or: "Pork. The other evil meat." (I know. That doesn't even make any sense. I just felt like typing it.)

Speaking of skeptics, though, Massey's dweeby assistant pipes up with this zinger: "There's this rumor going around that you're under the influence of some Svengali nun and you that think this child is Jesus Christ." Jeez, can't the scandalmongers make it fun by at least exaggerating it a little?

"He wasn't a scientist, so he knew that some questions have none," Sister Jo says about Jesus looking for an answer. Yeah, stupid rational scientists — always measuring and looking for repeatable results and proof and all that nonsense. Then the evil fashion models — are there any other kind? — across the plane sport glowing yellow cat eyes when the plane goes dark with turbulence. Now, I'm as traditional as the next guy much of the time, but just once I'd like to see servants of evil show up with, say, big-puppy-in-the-rain-painting eyes, or side-mounted, independently moving chameleon eyes, or even tiny little koala eyes, maybe. Surprise me.

And when they go to the burned-out church looking for the miracle baby after hearing that the ship that rescued the kid was destroyed and the people he healed later became ill and died, Sister Jo suspects the baby is actually a false prophet sent by Satan. And when Satan gets cross with the two of them — literally, by dropping a giant crucifix — it seems quite certain. Well, I could've told you that. I mean, when the guy at the waterfront said to get a table for four that night in order to meet the people who'd tell them more about the baby, he recommended the fish. You know what the mercury levels are in seafood these days? Evidence of the dark side right there. — Michael Peck

Eyes
You know, I'm thinking that corrupt judge was kind of cheap. He's saving a crooked contractor something like $6 million, and all he wants for putting his career on the line is a measly 55 grand? Shouldn't he be asking for at least as much as the defendant is paying his attorney? I mean as far as bribes go, this guy's working for minimum wage!

Jeff, on the other hand, knows the value of a dollar. He also knows the value of every other employee in the company, thanks to his collaboration with cyber-geek Tim. Nice of Jeff to return the favor by giving Tim a crash course in fieldwork. First lesson: When tailing a suspect, try not to wave your finger in his general direction and yell "There he is!" — unless your name is Harlan, in which case you'd probably get away with it. Yeah, Tim's about as awkward as Jeff is smooth, which means he's a perfect match for Meg.

So Harlan gets bonus points from Leslie for his ability to satisfy clients... hmmmm, didn't she have a boyfriend in the pilot? And what in God's name happened to her hair? Please tell me that is a wig. At first I thought maybe the color was off on my TV, but everyone else looked fine. Well, everyone else except Jeff, who seems to be having some hair issues of his own. Can you comb it into his face a little more? We can still see his eyes.

Oooh, was that Robert LaSardo I saw in the teaser for the next week's episode? He was amazing as a sadistic Colombian drug lord in the first season of Nip/Tuck. Confident, ruthless and extremely manipulative — kinda like Harlan with no hair and lots of tattoos — only shorter. Can't wait to see what happens when the two of them play guts! — Dan Roberts

Channel Surfing
This was actually (ding) one of the more entertaining America's Next Top Model eps. Tyra actually (ding) apologized for her vicious attack on Tiffany and the girls actually (ding) got the opportunity to conduct interviews and they all are actually (ding) guilty of overusing the word actually (ding) too often, which was exacerbated by that little bell. Poor Kahlen though, having to be stuck in an open grave right after learning about her friend's death. And despite all the Tyraging last week, it was nice to see Ms. Banks save Kahlen from Janice's sure-to-be-offensive line of questioning with a short "it's serious." The over-Botoxed Janice probably thought that Kahlen's hair weave went bad or that the bisexual Michelle made a move on the never-been-kissed girl (did I miss that episode?)... It is really, um, hard to write about tonight's South Park about elementary-school boys who, um, pitch tents during class. But more disturbing is Cartman as a date doctor trying to help Jimmy, a fellow fourth-grader, get "laid" so he can win a talent show. From there on it just gets so much worse in ways are just so inappropriate for this column. Funny, but so wrong.

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